The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. This is just one aspect of Stockholm Syndrome, as described by our guest contributor, clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph M. Carver.
Stockholm Syndrome
Following on from his guest contribution Are You Dating a Loser?, Dr Carver’s article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser explores a situation that will be familiar to all too many people.
Part 1 of Dr Carver’s article describes the formation of bonds between victim and abuser, while Part 2 continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers a list of 14 suggestions for friends and family of victims.
The article introduces Stockholm Syndrome this way:
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!
Relationship Questions or Comments for Dr Carver?
As a special bonus, Dr Carver has generously offered to drop by now and again to answer any questions that may come up for readers who find that Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser sounds just a little too familiar.
So, fire up your keyboard if you’d like to put a relationship question to him, and leave your question in the comments section of this blog posting. We’ll let Dr Carver know when your questions or comments are posted, and he can take a look at them.
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Other articles by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor
This article was last reviewed by on Monday, 6th March 2006. You can leave a response below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/03/06/stockholm-syndrome/
154 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Kath154
Dr. Carver,
Not long ago my son’s mother in law forwarded an email from one she received from my daughter in laws work address. I know this was a done to inform me her daughter had a job. Her job history was to say the least horrible. My son would always tell me how her employer was being mean to her or asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. Well I have recently found out my daughter in law is no longer at this job. I of course know I should not sink to her level and ask her why she sent me this email. I instead had written a letter to my son. I explained that he had gone out of his way to make sure I have no information regarding their life and I trusted he would be sure it never happened again. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t want to forward it back to her with a nasty comment about how long that lasted. But I won’t. I wanted to plant a seed that his mother in law may be a bit of a trouble maker.
I still send my son greeting cards. They usually are non threatening and say, “Just checking in to see how you’re doing” or something of that nature. He and “his family” are invited to every family function. I do receive the cards back. They used to be glued shut and pretended not to be read. Now they come back opened and just mailed back to me. I am confused about one thing. My parents had sent my son a card inviting “his family” to our 4th of July party. They also enclosed $5 for my grandson. They did not get their card back. I know my son well enough to know he does no like being controlled. He comes by that trait very honestly because he is very much like me that way. I feel it is very likely he was the one who received that card before his wife saw it.
If he did receive that card before his wife saw it I know it is probably the first $5 dollars he did not have to account for since I gave him money to go on training manuevers with the National Guard. Of course I always heard that his wife thought she gave him enough money, but he filled up his truck and he had none left. I was asked not to let her know because “it would make her feel bad.”
I of course saw through that. I gave him the money because I didn’t want him to be gone for two weeks without any money. I also sent him with cookies and other things I know he liked because he would accept them with no resistance. And that was because he was not taking them home.When my son was in Iraq his wife told me she would go on line every day to see if my son made any purchases. I thought that was amazing since he was risking his life every day doing convoy security. She monitored his every move and I know that is why I did not even get an acknowledgement that I sent him packages.
I want to believe that my son got this card first and is possibly seeing that there is no solution with his wife. And is doing what is necessary to survive in that relationship. Even if that means hiding simple things like receiving a few dollars in cash that she is unaware of.
I did send him two certified letters that he had to sign for. One he did not pick up for 14 days and the next he picked up immediately. The one that waited 14 days was picked up on their anniversary when she would probably allow him out of her sight to purchase her a gift that she gave him the money for. The other was the day after the attempt to deliver, but that could have been because he received the notice first.
Dr. Carver, is there a chance he knows what is going on?
Kath
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GerneyLee Carter-Cauffman153
I am in at the end of a marriage - more or less - because he is using it - the process to control and intimidate and make me feel unsafe. I KNOW I have Stolkhome sydrome and yet, yet, I cannot overrule it. I am terrified - and incapable of detaching totally from this man. I hate him and I want him. I am - horrors! 63 and he is 60 and we are both educated - he however, really is socially beneath me although I am penniless - he roped me in by providing food and shelter and now controls by the threat of and indeed has taken it away.
My question is: how to I get rid of this feeling that I know is incorrect, but is real and I cannot shake it. I am going to a counselor and she must be terribly upset. Just about the time I seem to be able to detach I get horribly scared and fight to maintain the relatinship even though he is devaluing me and acting like I don’t matter. I am very good looking - I am being candid here - and look nothing like you would expect in my reported age - he is a tobacco chewing farmer who braggs about himself and makes himself and his job at Penn State sound more important than it is and he pointedly devalues me. Everyone else is falling all over themselves about me, and I am drawn to this guy who holds my housing an food in his hands.
espcially housing. With him I go to senior housing - I cannot bear the thought.
Tell me how to shed this feeling.
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Jill152
My brother is a victim of abuse, and we are all certain he has Stockholm Syndrome. His wife, abuser, has managed to alienate all of us, three sisters and his own 81yr old mother……through much brainwashing and manipulation, he has turned on all of us.
He left her and they were seperated for 9 months. During that time, we all saw what he had been living in for 15 years. He seems a shell of a person…he could never not answer her incessant phone calls, most to just cuss him and beat him down, and of course, not letting him see his two children, having the children say mean things to him, anything that could hurt him. Anything!
She called his executive job over 40 times a day, every day.
He is now unemployed, partially because of that.
When he was separated, he still gave every penny to her..and lived off of 40.00 a week. He listens to no one about anything, but believes every thing she tells him? She has caused financial ruin, and although he made a three digit salary, they are on the brink of foreclosure and bankruptcy, not to mention homelessness. He put her through 4 years of college, but she has never worked. When they had credit, she would forge his name, constantly overdraw the bank account, etc., all this after she overextended her own credit.
She has to be spending money, even when now, they don’t have it.
He takes all the blame for everything, always….. defends her to no end, and no one can convince him that not all the problems they have are his fault.
She has forbidden him to talk to any of us at this point……
It is killing my mother, for it’s her only son, and the three of us girls know it’s always been her favorite.
We accept now that we can’t help him….but it hurts us all so much. We miss him, and we worry about him. If I weren’t seeing this with my own eyes, and knowing someone so well, before and after, then you can have never convinced me that something like this could ever happen to an intelligent human being.
How can I help my mother to cope with this? -
Kath151
Dr. Carver,
It’s wonderful to understand the problems and even the causes of stockholm syndrome. What do the families do when they are so heartbroken and can’t see and end to the pain?
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