Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
You are browsing comments for the story “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here.
146 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
-
mary90
I’m afraid I’m in an abusive relationship. Not physically, but psychologically. Can I post on this or do I have to join something?
-
Theresa89
I read the article about Stockholm and feel that some of the traits do fit my daughter. As I said on the other board, she is currently living with us again. She spends the night with him a few nights a week. I don;t know that she ‘fears’ leaving him, but does seem unnaturally attached. He has no positive character traits. We do not allow him at our home or family events. I read that we should back off from her and not press her about contact. Does this mean that I should not ask if she will be home for supper? How should I react when she tells me she is going to his place? Should we help her financially with car insurance, etc? She is in school full time and works full time (He has no job and depends on her to drive him places). I feel like when we help her financially we are indirectly helping him. She also has high credit card debt. I just want to help her without pushing her towards him.
Thanks so much. -
88
Dear Josh, If you think about it, God has intervened here - you’ve been shown the truth. Stockholm Syndrome is very difficult to treat because, as you discovered, anyone who tries to help is then considered a threat to the relationship - by both parties. Even if the abuser were to die, she would retain her current feelings. This is a deep, complex psychological situation as you know. Your best bet is to move on and let this go. She’s actually dangerous to you. As you mentioned, if you try to help, she’ll actually turn on you and make you the victim or intruder. You’ll notice that while she had the affair with you, she has “survived” the impact of the affair by making you the target - not her. It’s like talking someone into robbing a bank with you, then you agree to testify against your partner for a lesser sentence if caught.
If a change is to happen in her life, she has to make it. Learn this lesson and keep swiming away from this sinking ship. Dr. Carver
-
87
Hi Joe: In families with a history of abuse, there are many “unspoken truths” that become part of the family heritage. Every family member that hasn’t developed Stockholm Syndrome knows the truth - but it is never discussed as this would create more problems for the family and the family interactions. Your father’s attack on your sister threatened a family split with another sister trying to console her. At that point, your mother had to defend “Dad” and also attack your sister. If she had not done so, she would have faced a verbal attack by Dad and would have been accused of being unloyal to him. Her behavior is a survival strategy for her. In your frustration, you spoke the ugly truth that unfortuneately, shifted the family hostility to You instead of Dad. It did draw fire from your sister however.
In your family, this situation will continue to exist. Survival for all at the family get-togethers will consist of everyone walking on eggshells, keeping the family secrets, and trying to keep trouble low. Even when your father passes away, your mother will retain her position - it’s too uncomfortable to face the reality.
The solution, develop good relationships and activities around your parents. Socialize with your siblings independent of the parents, yet arrange brief (yet highly controlled) family get-togethers. Recognize that Dad will always be obnoxious and a bully. Use tag-team strategies against his behavior - teaming up with siblings when Dad targets a specific son or daughter as in the situation mentioned. If Dad is observed to be targeting someone, have a plan that everyone else joins in the discussion and defuses the situation by smothering it with conversation - stealing the conversation from Dad. This strategy also protects Mom.
You can protect the grandchildren in the same manner. Have very short, yet controlled visits with Grandpa/Grandma and maintain control of the conversation. Invite them to meet at public places as that often inhibits bad behavior in adults. Keeping the grandchildren at a safe distance from Grandpa is recommended. This cycle can be stopped with your generation.
-
Josh86
Dear Dr. Carver,
Thank you for responding and advising me to “keep my distance,” and for explaining the mind-set of the abuser, which was similiar to what I had suspected. What you said about the victim making the rescuer a “threat,” proved so true in my case. Example: Her husband violently assaulted her, and when I became enraged and intended to fight the man, she told me she would call the police–on me–and get an order of protection. (She never got Order of Protection against him…though she lied and said she had.) I fear for her terribly, and have gotten sucked back into this relationship many times. She IS a loveable woman–best I’ve ever known, except for this syndrome and it’s horrible effects. And I’ve had to go in therapy myself, which is helping. I do wish, though, that there was some way to expose her abuser, to have him arrested, locked up. And of course, I wish he would have a car accident, or a heart attack, or whatever. He has stolen a woman’s whole life! And is still torturing and controlling her after signing a divorce agreement. Let me ask you this: If the abuser died, would the victim get better? And if so, when? Would she finally be able to admit how sick she was? Or would she still insist he had a “good side?” And would such a person ever be capable of having a “normal” relationship–or would she secretly seek out another abuser?
If the monster did kick the bucket, would the victim finally be able to tell the truth…and truly heal? I am keeping my distance. I have to. I’ve paid a terrible personal price…but I do still hope that God might intervene in this story in some way. What does it actually take (other than the abuser’s passing away) for a victim of this syndrome to say, “No More!”–and start exposing him and fighting him? (I had secretly hoped that leaving her would do it, but that wasn’t enough…she weeps over me and keeps submitting to him.) What makes a woman finally tell the truth, press charges, fight in court? Is there anything specific I might pray for? Thanks. -
Joe85
My parents have been married for 50 years and are now in their 70’s. I am the youngest of six children and I am at the center of a family drama that erupted two weeks ago. My father has been abusive to my mother for their entire marriage. She is the primary focus of his abuse but all of us kids have taken peripheral abuse of the emotional flavor. Dad stopped the physical abuse of mom over 30 years ago when he quit drinking but the mental and emotional abuse continued and maybe got worse.
Each of us kids grew up and moved out but mom is stuck with him. She doesn’t even see leaving as a option any more. She says she is too old and has spent too many years with him to change things now. Since she retired 8 years ago things have only gotten worse. She used to have a break from him by going to work but now he dominates her every single minute of every day. Even in their 70’s he is still insanely jealous. If she is out of his site long enough to even go to the bathroom he accuses her of “getting it on” with someone in the bathroom. Over time he is wearing her down. In some cases she seems to be adopting some of his hatefulness. I assume this is a survival technique.
Dad still gets his digs in on us kids as well. At family gatherings he will stroll around until he thinks one of us is far enough away from group for him to say a few words quietly and cut us to the bone. Two weeks ago he did this to my sister. He questioned her parenting in relation to some issues she was having with her son. He basically told her she was a bad mother for not controlling her son (adult son) better. She was very hurt and went off to her car to cry. My other sister tried to console her and then I took a turn trying to calm her down. As I was getting ready to head back to the party my mother came out to see my sister. I thought she would try to calm her down as well, but she didn’t. She tore into my sister for being too sensitive and defended dad by saying that nobody is perfect and if my sister ever becomes perfect we will all bow down to her.
I came to my sisters defense and told mom she needed to rethink her f***ing priorities. I said that she married a real sh**head who had abused all of us while she stood by and let it happen and now she has the nerve to defend him and attack her own daughter. I really unloaded on her and that ended the evening. A few nights later I argued with my parents again on the phone and recounted all the abuses I could remember from childhood. They actually had the nerve to pretend like they didn’t remember our entire lives together. Since then a large portion of the family is mad at me because I “made things worse for mom”. I “caused trouble”. They all agree that what I said was true but they claim I should know better than to say these things out loud.
After reading your article I feel I may have unfairly blamed mom the night of the family gathering. I’m so confused right now. Somehow I have become a bad guy for defending my sister and being honest about the abuse we all grew up with. I can’t even simply cut my ties with them because I have all of my brothers and sisters who hound me for “making things harder on mom” if I do. I can’t stand up for myself or walk away. They leave only one option - play along and let dad do as he pleases. They have started treating their grandchildren the same way and a whole new generation of abuse has begun.
Is there any way to end this cycle of abuse?
-
84
Dear Josh: Your statement about being a victim of the victim is very true. In the romantic form of Stockholm Syndrome (as opposed to criminal hostage situations), the families and loved ones also become victims. Parents lose their sons and daughters to these controllers and abusers. Grandchildren are also lost to the family. When Stockholm Syndrome is active, the person who attempts to help is actually considered the dangerous intruder - be it a parent, sibling, agency, etc. The controller considers the individual a serious threat to his/her control and the Stockholm Syndrome victim feels the helper is causing trouble in the original relationship. As attempts to help continue, the helper/rescuer is abused, rejected, threatened, and emotionally damaged.
In your situation, the victim will be forgiven for the affair, their abusive relationship will continue, and you will be blamed for the situation as the intruder. Protect yourself, remain detached, keep your distance, and move on.
As to the whys…individuals who are severe controllers, manipulators, and abusers are considered Personality Disorders. Their behavior is based on near-total selfishness and they feel justified, in fact entitled, to have their demands met - despite the cost to those around them. They attempt to control, intimidate, manipulate and exploit anyone in their range of influence. Spouses and children receive most of their efforts due to their closeness to them, but they also use their techniques against co-workers, friends, and family members. While abusing others, they take no personal responsibility for their abusive behavior, having no guilt, remorse, or concern for their behavior or their victims. Their behavior, attitude, and lack of human warmth is so significant that they qualify for a psychiatric diagnosis - Personality Disorder. Dr. Carver
-
Josh83
Thank God, I read this article and researched this illness further. My gitrlfriend has this syndrome. We had an affair and she told me about her abusive husband and that she was leaving him. I fell deeply in love with her–still am–and I have gone through hell. He’s assaulted her, sexually abused her, used her children against her, gotten her to sign a divorce agreement which will leave her financially wrecked in a few years–and she still says “He’s got a good side.” I took her to a ploice station to file a report on the day she signed her divorce papers and she said she couldn’t do it, “because they’d arrest him, because what he did to me is a crime.” I called on all her family and friends to help me to help her–and in every case she convinced them that I was the crazy one, that I was causing trouble. A few weeks ago, I looked up this syndrome, found your article, and others. If only I had learned about this a year ago! I became the victim of the victim, the hostage of the hostage–and worst of all, the witness of the destruction of the woman I love. But because I learned about this, I jumped ship. I had to. I cannot bear the pain of seeing such good person allow herself to be destroyed and protect the man who’s destroying her. Why would anyone do this to his own wife–that’s what I’d like to know. Why would anyone do this to anyone?
-
Jenny82
I would like to know why is it so hard to get rid of the loser boyfriend. I live with him and your posting sounds exactly what I went through before. I have stood up to him and lately his been leaving me alone not picking on me or humilating me anymore. I am planning on leaving him in a few weeks after I get my check I can stand they way he has messed up my life.
-
81
Dear Lucas, That’s an interesting question. I think there’s reason to believe that something psychological is going on when prior hostages or hostage-participants deny, minimize, or ignore the reality of the human suffering that took place in an event. This is especially true when supporting the event is no longer a requirement for their personal survival. Some may be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome while others may be minimizing the horror in the situation due to their personal guilt.
Dr. Carver
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can post a comment there.
Pages: « 15 … 12 11 10 [9] 8 7 6 … 1 »