Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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145 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Lucas Amuri80
Are Africans or African Americans who claim that the TransAtlantic slave trade is not such a big deal because some Africans participated in the trade suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome?
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Neil Kirk79
My abusers have been the drug companies and the doctors. As a lifelong diabetic, I got sucked into the diabetic profit machine. Like the Stockholm syndrome, the drug companies hold our wallets hostage, and the doctors act with such love. But the truth is known only insulin and exercise can maintain perfect health. That means, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual health. I subscribe to the idea posed by German brain researchers. We get diabetes of the brain too. This inhibits cognitive function affected by the hypothalamus. But exercise increases nitric oxide, and restoring the brain. It took me 2 years after finally abandoning the drug based Stockholm Syndrome. Despite my discoveries doctors deny every thing I say. I don’t get lows sugar levels either other than a minor one around 75. I no longer take any drugs not high blood pressure, not cholesterol not anything. My resting heart returned to my normal below 50 beats a minute. My approach will bring excess happiness, lots of love passion in the marriage and an incredible pleasure of life.
What do you prefer. Happiness or drugs.
Neil Kirk, Glenwood Iowa. -
78
Dear Debbie: You’ve had a relationship with a Loser - the type of person I describe in my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships available on this website. In your entry I can identify many of the Loser characteristics. Losers often become predators on the Internet, especially the dating websites. He is probably a conartist who moves from relationship to relationship trying to increase his finances (since they rarely work). Leaving him was absolutely necessary on your part. He would have totally destroyed you…then quickly moved on.
Now that you’ve left, he’ll be using every strategy in his con-book. He’ll flood you with messages, calls, etc. He’ll threaten suicide. Tell you that you’re mentally ill. Flood you with additional lies and promises. This character is a social predator and will not hesitate to damage you, your children, or even his child to get what he wants. Don’t believe the bull about antidepressants, etc. He’ll flood you with guilt. You’ll be hearing fifty different excuses and strategies.
Your bottomline….Get Away! Trust your parents and friends. Review my Loser article and just as important, read the Loser discussion log on this website. Many victims of these Loser conartists lose their homes, 20 years, their possessions, their finances, etc. He’s been setting you up to obtain half your house, cash money, etc. - all of which he would take and run. Use the advice of an attorney and use protection orders if needed.
This is not a time to be soft and understanding. Save those emotions for your children, family and friends. Don’t try to understand him - just protect yourself! Don’t agree to meet, have dinner, talk about old times, etc. That will also be a set-up. I’d recommend following my detachment recommendatiosn in the Loser article.
You can survive this brush with Evil with the support of your family and friends. You are not alone in this experience and it is becoming more common now that the Internet is providing so many options for social/romantic predators. I had a client last evening that had a nine-month dating relationship with a similar character, only to discover that all his background, living location, etc. was a fabrication. His basic response to her severe distress over the discovery was his concern that she might tell his wife and THAT would cause trouble for him.
Keep going out of this relationship and don’t look back. Dr. Carver
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77
Dear Thea: You are most likely have trouble with Emotional Memory and stress. Under stress or when we are depressed, our brain searches our memory for experiences that might upset or torment us. Your teenage experience traumatized you and now, eleven years later, your brain is vividly remembering the emotions of those days. It’s important to remember those are memories of where you’ve been in life, not where you are now. There’s no need to address those issues again. You have survived and have moved on. You feel the emotional of “shame” because that’s what’s in the memories of those times. I’d read my article on Emotional Memory on this website for additional help in that area.
I’d recommend reviewing your current life situation. Are you under stress, are you depressed, etc? Depression is the most common way that our brain forces us to remember our past (and never the good parts!). A mental health professional would be a good place to start. You’ll need to sort out current issues from the emotional memories that are intruding into your life at this time. Dr. Carver
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76
Dear Catherine: The concept of “stockholm syndrome” has been applied to children of abusive parents for years. Children are more likely to develop stockholm syndrome as they are totally dependent upon their parents…and the society supports that dependence. Imagine living in an abusive family when your teachers, other adults, television, etc. all tells you to respect and obey your parents. Some children, in a survival strategy, develop behaviors that are similar to their abusive parents. In this way, children of antisocial/criminal parents become adolescent criminals.
I would recommend caution as you try to help this young man. Abusive families are often very secretive and may view your help as an intrusion into their secret life. Dr. Carver
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75
Dear Donna: Your verbally-abusive ex’s situation has changed, but his personality probably hasn’t. In fact, his situation has gotten worse. I think you would be returning to an even worse situation. My advice is to keep moving on. Dr. Carver
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debbie74
Dear Dr Carver
I found your site after my sister suggested that I am in a Stockholm Syndrome relationship. I met a man on the internet and I thought he was wonderful. Very romantic- love songs, flowers and very intense from the start. He moved in with me and my boys from a previous relationship very quickly, and asked me to marry him. We were married and i have had a baby in the space of a year.
He became increasingly more controlling. He wanted to know who I was seeing and who i was on the phone to. He fell out with my brother and my parents through bad behaviour. He bacame very moody and angry over small things he preceived they had done. He began to call me names and put me down in front of the children, claiming I couldn’t take a joke when I asked him not to.He was criticising my older children and making them do more and more chores round the house. I was supporting him financially, and he was increasingly expecting more and more of me. He would have angry moods and ignore me and threaten to leave me if I didn’t do what he wanted including putting him on the deeds of my house and borrowing money. I have found out that he has lied to me about his background including wives he never told me about.He has a very strange relationship with his ex-wife, who seems to help and support him despite leaving him to go into a refuge for 6 months.I have eventually left him. My mother came to get me when he was out. Since then he has bombarded me with messages. I have now changed my phone numbers. I have managed to get him out of the house, but this has cost through solicitors. He left the house in a terrible mess and even smoked in the room we shared with the baby.He is saying that I am ill He doesn’t take any responsibility for his behaviour. His messages are all blaming me and saying he is going to kill himself and he is on anti depressants.I beleive he is already searching for a new girlfriend.He says he doesnt want a divorce and wants me back.I still have moments when I think maybe I have been wrong about him. He talks about mediation. My family keep reminding me of why I left and are keeping me strong. -
thea73
I experienced Stockholm Syndrome 11 years ago when I was 17 and dating a loser who continually abused and raped me. I only managed to get out of it when my parents sent me overseas for college. I blocked it out after a while, the whole experience, I think mostly out of shame. But now I remember everything and I still feel the shame for staying in that abusive relationship even after knowing that it was Stockholm Syndrome. How do I make peace with myself for what happened 11 years ago?
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Catherine Black72
I am trying to help a young man with abusive parents. Is there a specific term for a child who clings to abusive parents? This abuse is generally mental, destroying self esteem, negativity, lying, general big drama in everyday living. do you have a suggestion for further research so I might help him?
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donna71
I left a verbally abusive second husband over 2 years ago. He had a bad accident which has left him with a disability and hasn’t worked in almost 2 years. He says he’s had time to think and now understands that “he didn’t do everything right”. “Could we try again”? Why do I think maybe????????????
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