Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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148 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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manny70
hello dr carver i was in a abusive relationship for 6yrs i was blined by his love ..he promaised we would together forever and would take care of me guess what i ended up helping him though ime only 45yrs he is 34yrs i finally left him it has been 4months now but he all of a sudden calls me when i to the least expect it tells me how much he loves me and misses me why does he do that he knows that i have caught up to his mind controlling games after reading 7 books of abusive partners and going to therapy 2 times a week why wood he plays those stupid games of i love you wen he is a cheater and liar..and he knows i know him to well thxz
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Cowgirl Annie69
Dr. Carver
I have kept up with your message board, and I have found you to have great advice. I have written about my situation previously. Now I am giving you an update. Since I wrote last, I still have not heard from my Son. He still lives with his wife and children at some Navy base in Chicago area. This Christmas it will have been two years since he walked out of our lives. It will be two years since his sister & brother have seen him. The last time I saw him was this time a year ago when I went to his house & his wife slammed the door in my face. To know that he left for the Navy last December and never contacted us is like taking a knife and breaking it off deep into my heart & soul. I know that there is nothing I can do to make things right with him and his wife because I have tried from the beginning only to have hurtful things said to me. They have taken away the Grandchilden, and then there is the new baby just few months old. I have no idea what he looks like or if he is even a well baby. I know nothing about the children. In my heart, I just can’t get past how my Son…who I raised could turn into this heartless, cold person. Even if he were to come back to see us…I don’t know if I would know who he is. I try to get past the hurt, but I can’t! My husband is at a loss on how to help me. My daughter has heard me cry about it from the beginning, and she tells me to forget him and move on with my life. My two other children are really thoughtful, compasionate, and loving. My daughter is in her last semester for Nursing School and my other grown Son is a fireman. But, in my heart….I just can’t stop hurting. I don’t understand why I keep on dwelling on the Son that is hateful and wants nothing to do with any of us. How can I get past this and move on with my life. I would have thought that my eyes would dry up…but the tears never stop. (I am sure that it don’t help that I’m in menopause)
Your greatest fan,
Cowgirl Annie -
LaVonne68
I think I have Stockholm Syndrome AND think I have “loser” traits”. Is that possible? LaVonne
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Jill67
Thank you for that advice and encouragement.
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66
Dear Jill: Stress increases our normal personality and behavioral features. As you discovered, emotionally abusive spouses become more abusive during a divorce or separation. When we remain “all business” in our approach to the end of the relationship, it’s hoped the ex-partner will calm down and deal with the reality. Right now, his narcissistic pride is active - a sense of indignation that you would dare leave him, embarrass him in the community, and challenge his authority. He thus feels justified in using the children against you and continuing his attempts to hurt you in any manner possible.
Attempts at cooperation, 50/50 custody, etc. - all these things provide the abusive ex with the best possible situation in the divorce. You have operated in good faith and have considered both the ex and the children in these arrangements. We would hope he would recognize this at some point.
A period of turmoil will be present following any separation or departure. We must tolerate a certain amount of name calling, accusations, etc. during this time. If it continues, we want to remind the ex in legal and business terms that the current custody deal is courtesy and that you will take steps to protect to protect the children, including rethinking the current 50/50 arrangement.
As you monitor the reactions of the children, keep in mind that you are experiencing severe stress and possible depression as well. Your current situation can be emotionally exhausting. Watch for signs of depression.
Your approach is excellent but this is a difficult passage for everyone. In contact with your ex, remind him that the health of the children is the major concern. Also assure him that you will be using a non-blame “press release” to represent the divorce in the community and encourage him to do the same.
In response to his comments to the children, it’s ok to let the children know that he’s being “mean” or nasty right now. They’ve seen him be mean before and can accept that.
Good luck in this difficult passage. Don’t worry about leaving the security of your home. In truth, it wasn’t secure and didn’t have a “home” feel. Billy Joel has a song (”You’re My Home”) that contains the line “Where ever we’re together, that’s my home”. You and your daughters are together - that’s home. Dr. Carver
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Jill65
Dear Dr. Carver, Thank you so much for your essays on SS and Losers. Your advice has been instrumental in helping me excape from my own DV situation with a pyschologist. The abuse that I have survived is ongoing psychological, verbal and emotional violence. The criticism was so bad that even my 7yrs old daughters tried to stop him from name calling.
I left last December while he was at work for fear of him trying to stop me. I was fortunate to have the help and support of my Mother and Father who had come to Australia from the UK for a holiday. Secretly we rented a flat and furnished it and on the day they returned to England I moved out, picked my children up from school and took them with me to my new flat. Leaving my house, my security and the place that my children call home was the hardest thing that i have ever done.
My concerns are for the mental welfare and development of my girls. My belief is that children have the right to know and love both parents. I have therefore facilitated for my children to be with me and their father 50/50. This has been difficult, unpredictable and I continued to ‘walk on eggshells’ to make it work but it seemed an appropriate compromise to know that they were getting fair access to us both.
Since I started legal action in May to get my half of the house, my ex-partner is acting like a a loose cannon ball. It is as though all the time he thought that I might come back eventually, he was contained. Now he appears to have started emotionally battering our children with statements like ‘your mother prefers to work and go to uni rather than look after you’, or ‘I am concerned that you mother doesn’t look after you properly’, ‘It’s not my fault, you need to ask your mother why she just upped and left me without warning’. I know that these things are said because I am told my distressed daughters (who cannot sleep at night) and their father who rings me to tell me what he said to them.
Both of my girls are very upset by these type of hurtful comments. I am trying to use the experience to build up their resilience in a safe place and console my self that I could not do this if I was still there in the house with their father, rolemodelling that this is ok behaviour. I tried talking to their father, but (surprisingly!) he is not prepared to take responsiblity for his actions stating that this this is the consequence of my irresponsible and abusive move. That he is being ‘honest’ and is not prepared to ‘pretend’.
For me this talk is solely about using the girls to get at and hurt me and completely disregards their feelings. However though I can see this talk for itself, i continue to feel guilty that I have unnecessarily exposed them to some of the emotional abuse that I was suffering from.
I also worry that I am being irresponsible by allowing their father too much access i.e. to say such damaging things. I am begining to feel that I should try and legally restrict his access if he continues his unnecessary attacks and I also worry that the behaviour will esculate into a different type of abuse if it goes unchecked.
On the other hand I am way from him. The girls have access to me, both side of the extended family, and a number of close frieneds (old and young) who they can talk to. I hope that the calm side of their lives will eventually outweigh the chaotic messages that they get from their father. I also take comfort in the thought that it will be harder for my ex-partner to justify legal action against me for 100% custody if I have gone out of my way to ensure that he is treated fairly (as in has the same access as me)? I also secertly hope that in time the girls will be able to make their own choices as to where they want to stay.
What do you think? is 50/50 a dangerous situation or a good compromise considering the circumstances (a volotile angry ‘professional psychologist’ keen to be seen by society as a successful member of the caring profession. A devoted responsible family man who has suvived and escaped his traumatic childhood)?
Thank you for your help in this I found your advice to others very helpful.
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64
[...] website offers a discussion group on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. You may be facing some of the issues reviewed in that discussion as the ex tries to restrict [...]
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63
Dear Rose: Your daughter hasn’t been mean and nasty to you - she’s just plain mean and nasty - to anyone who crosses her path. As a parent, we often take the behavior of our children very personally, as though their behavior was somehow directly connected to us. Your daughter has been mean and nasty to everyone - boyfriends, her own children, ex-partners, your husband, etc. Your husband and therapist are correct, your daughter is a danger to you. For whatever reason, she has strong evidence of a personality disorder in psychiatric terms - probably Antisocial Personality. She lives with abusive partners because they tolerate her abusiveness - “peas of a pod” as we say where I live.
Your attempts to protect the grandchildren and take a stand against the abuse in the home have now placed her in survival panic. Antisocial personalities are totally self-centered and self-justifying and feel entitled to punish and abuse those around them. She will now feel entitled to punish you and your husband. Her first goal will be to break up your marriage, feeling she has a better chance to con and manipulate you alone without your husband and his “interference”. Your husband should be prepared to protect himself - never be alone with your daughter, no phone calls, etc. Don’t be surprised if your daughter states he “hit on her” or wants to marry her. In the military, it’s called divide and conquer. Split up a team, then attack each leftover part separately.
To protect yourself, you’ll need to be strictly business. Be prepared for anything, including daughter’s threat to bring your ex-husband (her Dad) into the picture. At 43 years old, this is both a personality and a lifestyle for her. Change is highly unlikely.
I love bonfires - but I keep my distance. You’ll need to do the same thing - keep your distance, don’t feed the fire, don’t let it spread to your marriage or other relatives, etc. You’ve already done what’s right to do - supported her, helped keep her children safe from abuse, and provided her guidelines. As your therapist says, you must now move back to a safe distance and await any moves from her in your direction.
Dr. Carver
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Rose62
My 43 year old daughter has been mean and nasty to me for the last 20 years. Her father beat and abused me for 25 years before I divorced him. I remarried 19 years ago and her stepfather is a wonderful man who stepped in and helped me to “help” her. We even built a new home for her so her and my grandchildren would have a safe home from her abusive boyfriends.We told her the only condition was that the house was only for her and her children. She moved her abusive boyfriend in and now her children have to witness that in what was to be a safe home. To make a long story short, my husband said he had had it. He told her to either get a restraining order against her boyfriend or find a new home. He had the insight that I didn’t to see that she was a very sick and abusive woman. She reacted with a rage I have never seen. She even acused him of wanting to leave me to be with her. I don’t even know this person anymore. She called and threatened me and told me she had no mother. That I was dead to her. I didn’t even have anything to do with asking her to move out. I am supporting my husband though as he spent a full year of his life building this house for her. I have been working with a therapist and I know I have to detach from my daughter.
I am actually even physically afraid of her as she had fist fights with her teen age daughters. We broke up these fights and took them to live with their fathers ( yes 3 different fathers). She has even tried to secretely harm some of her boyfriends. I just don’t know how far to go with detaching from a daughter that I love very much. My therapist says I may have to never speak to her again. She says any love I show her will only set me up for another attack. My husband is a saint in my eyes. He is very loving and before he ask her to move out, she had even told him he was more of a father to her than her real father had ever been. Her father is also a very disturbed man. Very meant and self centered. No conscience at all.
Any suggestions on how to handle this will certainly be considered. -
Evelyn Du Val61
Thank you Dr Carver. I really appreciate your reply.You are so right about expecting anything - just as a footnote, she has spread the story that my brother died from a “heart attack” to an eligible acquaintance who then phoned us to get her telephone number. It is only seven months and my brother’s estate is not even wound up yet but she is okay - her mother takes care of her and the children. I have found the best form of defence has been silence, because exactly as you describe, my feeling was that she would seek a new source of support through my father who lives with us. I feel that I needed to stop her from reaching another vulnerable member of my family who she has been rude to in the past. It is difficult, but my brother’s passing is a huge loss to our family. I cannot risk losing another family member to her selfishness. I have to be strong after all the assaults on our famiy. I do feel sorry for their two sons but perhaps being boys they will be able to manage her and understand what my brother went through.(They sided with her and I can understand that). Their futures worry us. They are missing their dad, but she is in control and has started hinting about their needs.The older boy is already working and I believe that he is contributing to her finances. The cycle of life continues… Thank you for helping me to clarify this difficult time in our lives. Evelyn
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