“The Mystery of Loving an Abuser” Comments, Page 6
You are currently browsing page 6 of comments on the article The Mystery of Loving an Abuser.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
-
51
Dear Ronnie:
Losers don’t show their behavior at first meeting and Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t develop overnight. As you articulately described, it’s a slow, emotionally cancerous process. You painted a perfect picture of how the controller and manipulator operates. Sucker you in with charm, attention, and empty promises, then slowly sap you of strength and resources, then invent vague reasons to treat you abusively and detach themselves. The end result is almost always predictable.In projecting the future in these relationships, several things can happen. First, some victims never escape and remain detached from their families for many years. Second, the smothering nature of emotional control and abuse take a toll on the victim as in your case. Your daughter became dependent, physically deteriorated, became unhealthy, etc. Eventually, the narcissistic nature of the Loser feels their victim is too much of a burden, at which time they promptly desert the family. In this situation, your daughter will show up totally devestated, with the children, and need a lot of help repairing her damage.
Third, the victims sometime realize their situation and begin to plan their escape. They send out “feelers”, inquiring about what support may be available should they make their move to escape. Families then develop an “escape plan” that might include money in savings for plane fare, attorney consult, etc. When involved this deeply, as your daughter, an escape must be planned very well.
Lastly, especially with kids, the plight of the family often comes to the attention of authorities in their area. Your daughter’s health, the behavior of the children, lack of finances, etc. will all produce unwelcomed “heat” or trouble on the Loser and Controller. Local agencies start being concerned. At that point, the Controller typically relocates or if the heat is too intense, detaches and leaves the victim to answer to the authorities.
It’s important to maintain the text messages, emphasize your support and love, and stand ready if needed. If and when your daughter returns, the Stockholm Syndrome will not be over. She will need therapy and mental health intervention as well as medical monitoring. She will still feel a pull back into the situation if the Controller is available. Hope this reply helps. Dr. Carver
-
Cowgirl Annie
52Dr Carver
I have kept up with your discussions and found that what Ronnie recently described and your reply to him closely mirrors my situation. I have written to you before. I agree with Ronnie that it is VERY difficult to stand back and “hang on loosely.” I have Grandchildren that have been kept from me, and the newest Grandchild born in March 2007 in that I have never seen or was even told about his birth. ( I found out from another family member.) My heart is torn into thousands of little pieces. I am sure that Ronnie; as well, other parents in this type of situation all share this pain. We want to help, but there is nothing we can do except –pray & wait. And we could wait for many years from what I understand. I want to say that reading your comments helps get me past the really bad days. Please keep your site open & your comments coming! WE need YOU!
Cowgirl Annie (still your biggest FAN) -
53
Dear Cowgirl Annie: Nice to hear from my biggest fan again. As you can tell from the discussions, many parents are in your situation. Ronnie gives us a great description of how it happens, usually in a very slow but manipulative process.
I once worked with a man who was employed as a “trapeze janitor”. It’s the guy who slowly sweeps the floor under the trapeze artist who is working without a net, always keeping one eye on the entertainer swinging over his head. His job is to catch them or break their fall if they fall. A lot of parents have the same job – keeping a loving eye on their son or daughter involved in a dangerous situation, always being there in the background to respond if help is needed.
Keep in mind that parents and family who write in and describe their situation provide a lot of help to others. You folks keep writing and Greg and I will keep writing. Thanks again. Dr. Carver
-
Ronnie
54Thank you Dr Carver for giving a clear picture of what may happen in the future. My husband,younger daughter and I appreciate this guidance. I like your analogy of the parental role to a trapeze janitor. It’s an apt description and we’ll try to be ready as and when things progress.
It’s a shock just how many families have this kind of experience. Until it happened to us, fiction that depicts this type of sociopathic behaviour seemed far fetched. We now know that it is all too common. Others sharing their stories has helped us and your guidance and support provide us with a positive way of dealing with a painful situation.
Thank you
Ronnie -
Allie
55I thought I’d escaped from my abuser, but he keeps doing things that hurt me emotionally. I have cut all ties, changed phone numbers, changed email addresses, the only thing i havent done yet is moved house (that will be next if i can get it organised) so he has a mail address. Last month he sent me a photograph of him on holiday at the place we were meant to go together. Two weeks ago he sent me a postcard from Canada, he has now gone back to his wife, who had left him, but why send me a postcard? Is it to keep me hanging on, well i’ve had it, i dont want to know, i just wish he would leave me alone.
-
Evelyn Du Val
56Dear Dr Carver
I wrote to you in September last year and you kindly responded about my fears that my daughter had become involved in a “Stockholm Syndrome” with her teacher. She is doing better now, but her psychologist is her lifeline. The perpetrator has now remarried, and I am wondering what kind of lies he spun to his new wife. But that is how the cycle will perpetuate, as no-one really took any interest what he had done to our daughter, and no laws protected her, except the school laws, so at least he was prevented from interfering with another vulnerable girl at the school. Sadly however, since then, my younger brother who was in an unstable marriage for 22 years, took his life in October. I did not see it coming, as I was too busy concentrating on our daughter’s recovery. I did not even tell him about her ordeal and the worries that we nearly lost her, so none of the ugliness of my daughter’s problem contributed to his passing. I am sapped of emotional energy, when a person dies through their own wishes because life has been unfair, I feel it is useless to rationalise why they did it. I just know in my heart that your discription of “Loving an Abuser” fitted my brother’s profile – sadly his wife was a whinger, complainer, self-centered, she met him when he was building his own home and pursued him – a quick engagement, and then she stopped working after marriage. She did not enjoy married life, and frequently called him away from his work during the day for trivial complaints. Within two weeks of marrying they had a priest and her parents in to resolve some problem. But never did they take advice to divorce, we got phone calls when they were fighting. If we gave advice it was ignored, and they would forget to tell us they had patched things up. Towards the end my brother was exhausted but she could not contribute financially. He took her and the children out for a meal after every fight, and to my knowledge he did all the providing and the cooking. Their finances did not build up the home, just went towards cheering themselves up. He bought all the presents and birthday cards for everyone, and she relied on him for everything. He said she could not read or write. She could not keep a conversation. He said that if he divorced her, he would not be free of her. How chilling. When he had died, she complained we did not rush to see her and give her a meal. Who eats when they are bereaved. On one occasion she told me my brother must leave and she must keep the house. I was so upset when he died, I told her that now she had got what she wanted, the house and my brother gone. For this reason I cannot bring myself to see her. My brother was not an angel, however he loved his children and spoiled them. I never fought with him, she called him names and belittled him. He was highly qualified, but in the end as you described, I believe that stress related depression caused him to become abusive and violent when she goaded him on an empty stomach. She sees him as a bully, but I saw him as a man who loved his family, worked hard, was generous but eventually could take no more.His mother-in-law stated in the death notice “Always willing to help others”. I believe they are now missing him for the things he provided them with. What worries me most is are we as a family unable to say no? My daughter at 16 became involved with an abusive man, and my brother endured a lifetime of “being taken advantage of”. He died out of frustration that his best efforts to have a happy family life came to nothing. He was 45. Evelyn -
57
Dear Allie,
Controllers, abusers, and manipulators have “narcissistic pride”. If a situation doesn’t go their way, if their demands aren’t met, or if they are confronted regarding their behavior – they actually feel entitled to punish the victim. He feels entitled to punish you for the end of the relationship so now he’s trying his best to hurt you emotionally. His contacts are very mean-spirited and intentional. Sadly, he’s already targeted another victim and may have had the ex on “back burner” anyway.
Keep in mind that these mean-spirited contacts are an attempt to keep you on back burner as well. A Loser sees each contact as an opportunity to revictimize you. He’s hoping you will become angry and contact him. In that contact, he may apologize, explain that he was so “hurt” that he overreacted, ask for your forgiveness, and then ask if he can make it up to you in some way. If you agree – it’s round two of the same hell. You’ll be hooked again.
As I emphasize – NO CONTACT is the best policy. Ignore, burn, bury or destroy anything sent to you. Mentally rate each attempt on a 1 to 10 mean-spirited scale and be entertained by his efforts, not suckered in by them. He’s fishing, trying to find something (picture, comment, etc.) that will make you take the bait…then you’re hooked again.
Keep in mind he’s not changed in the least. He’s returned to victimize his ex-wife again – yet remains totally disloyal to her, spending time secretly sending you messages/mail. He doesn’t care who he hurts and you’ll find that is a consistent theme in his behavior.
Keep going and NO CONTACT is your best bet. His contacts will drop off eventually when you don’t take the bait. He’ll find another target and start “grooming” her, “grooming” being a prison term for the sweet-talk and nice behavior used to set someone up to be manipulated and victimized. Dr. Carver
-
58
Dear Evelyn:
Thank you very much for sharing a heart-breaking situation. I often mention that life with controllers, manipulators, and/or abusers can be “emotionally exhausting”. That emotional exhaustion leads to depression, then to despair. A relationship with someone with Loser features can also change our personality – typically in a negative way.
Your brother’s situation also reminds us that loving, taking care of, and meeting all demands of an abusive, controlling, or manipulative person does not change or even improve the way they behave and feel. Part of the Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is the fantasy feeling that the situation may change – perhaps if we just worked harder, did things differently, etc.
Your family will also be saddened by her inappropriate or unusual bereavement. While the family reacts to his death, she may be scrambling to find a new source of support. Just be prepared for anything.
I’m happy to hear your daughter is doing better. I wish your family the best during this difficult time. Dr. Carver
-
Evelyn Du Val59
Thank you Dr Carver. I really appreciate your reply.You are so right about expecting anything – just as a footnote, she has spread the story that my brother died from a “heart attack” to an eligible acquaintance who then phoned us to get her telephone number. It is only seven months and my brother’s estate is not even wound up yet but she is okay – her mother takes care of her and the children. I have found the best form of defence has been silence, because exactly as you describe, my feeling was that she would seek a new source of support through my father who lives with us. I feel that I needed to stop her from reaching another vulnerable member of my family who she has been rude to in the past. It is difficult, but my brother’s passing is a huge loss to our family. I cannot risk losing another family member to her selfishness. I have to be strong after all the assaults on our famiy. I do feel sorry for their two sons but perhaps being boys they will be able to manage her and understand what my brother went through.(They sided with her and I can understand that). Their futures worry us. They are missing their dad, but she is in control and has started hinting about their needs.The older boy is already working and I believe that he is contributing to her finances. The cycle of life continues… Thank you for helping me to clarify this difficult time in our lives. Evelyn
-
Rose
60My 43 year old daughter has been mean and nasty to me for the last 20 years. Her father beat and abused me for 25 years before I divorced him. I remarried 19 years ago and her stepfather is a wonderful man who stepped in and helped me to “help” her. We even built a new home for her so her and my grandchildren would have a safe home from her abusive boyfriends.We told her the only condition was that the house was only for her and her children. She moved her abusive boyfriend in and now her children have to witness that in what was to be a safe home. To make a long story short, my husband said he had had it. He told her to either get a restraining order against her boyfriend or find a new home. He had the insight that I didn’t to see that she was a very sick and abusive woman. She reacted with a rage I have never seen. She even acused him of wanting to leave me to be with her. I don’t even know this person anymore. She called and threatened me and told me she had no mother. That I was dead to her. I didn’t even have anything to do with asking her to move out. I am supporting my husband though as he spent a full year of his life building this house for her. I have been working with a therapist and I know I have to detach from my daughter.
I am actually even physically afraid of her as she had fist fights with her teen age daughters. We broke up these fights and took them to live with their fathers ( yes 3 different fathers). She has even tried to secretely harm some of her boyfriends. I just don’t know how far to go with detaching from a daughter that I love very much. My therapist says I may have to never speak to her again. She says any love I show her will only set me up for another attack. My husband is a saint in my eyes. He is very loving and before he ask her to move out, she had even told him he was more of a father to her than her real father had ever been. Her father is also a very disturbed man. Very meant and self centered. No conscience at all.
Any suggestions on how to handle this will certainly be considered.
The comment form is currently closed.
« Older Comments Newer Comments »