Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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155 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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60
Dear Evelyn:
Thank you very much for sharing a heart-breaking situation. I often mention that life with controllers, manipulators, and/or abusers can be “emotionally exhausting”. That emotional exhaustion leads to depression, then to despair. A relationship with someone with Loser features can also change our personality - typically in a negative way.
Your brother’s situation also reminds us that loving, taking care of, and meeting all demands of an abusive, controlling, or manipulative person does not change or even improve the way they behave and feel. Part of the Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is the fantasy feeling that the situation may change - perhaps if we just worked harder, did things differently, etc.
Your family will also be saddened by her inappropriate or unusual bereavement. While the family reacts to his death, she may be scrambling to find a new source of support. Just be prepared for anything.
I’m happy to hear your daughter is doing better. I wish your family the best during this difficult time. Dr. Carver
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59
Dear Allie,
Controllers, abusers, and manipulators have “narcissistic pride”. If a situation doesn’t go their way, if their demands aren’t met, or if they are confronted regarding their behavior - they actually feel entitled to punish the victim. He feels entitled to punish you for the end of the relationship so now he’s trying his best to hurt you emotionally. His contacts are very mean-spirited and intentional. Sadly, he’s already targeted another victim and may have had the ex on “back burner” anyway.
Keep in mind that these mean-spirited contacts are an attempt to keep you on back burner as well. A Loser sees each contact as an opportunity to revictimize you. He’s hoping you will become angry and contact him. In that contact, he may apologize, explain that he was so “hurt” that he overreacted, ask for your forgiveness, and then ask if he can make it up to you in some way. If you agree - it’s round two of the same hell. You’ll be hooked again.
As I emphasize - NO CONTACT is the best policy. Ignore, burn, bury or destroy anything sent to you. Mentally rate each attempt on a 1 to 10 mean-spirited scale and be entertained by his efforts, not suckered in by them. He’s fishing, trying to find something (picture, comment, etc.) that will make you take the bait…then you’re hooked again.
Keep in mind he’s not changed in the least. He’s returned to victimize his ex-wife again - yet remains totally disloyal to her, spending time secretly sending you messages/mail. He doesn’t care who he hurts and you’ll find that is a consistent theme in his behavior.
Keep going and NO CONTACT is your best bet. His contacts will drop off eventually when you don’t take the bait. He’ll find another target and start “grooming” her, “grooming” being a prison term for the sweet-talk and nice behavior used to set someone up to be manipulated and victimized. Dr. Carver
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Evelyn Du Val58
Dear Dr Carver
I wrote to you in September last year and you kindly responded about my fears that my daughter had become involved in a “Stockholm Syndrome” with her teacher. She is doing better now, but her psychologist is her lifeline. The perpetrator has now remarried, and I am wondering what kind of lies he spun to his new wife. But that is how the cycle will perpetuate, as no-one really took any interest what he had done to our daughter, and no laws protected her, except the school laws, so at least he was prevented from interfering with another vulnerable girl at the school. Sadly however, since then, my younger brother who was in an unstable marriage for 22 years, took his life in October. I did not see it coming, as I was too busy concentrating on our daughter’s recovery. I did not even tell him about her ordeal and the worries that we nearly lost her, so none of the ugliness of my daughter’s problem contributed to his passing. I am sapped of emotional energy, when a person dies through their own wishes because life has been unfair, I feel it is useless to rationalise why they did it. I just know in my heart that your discription of “Loving an Abuser” fitted my brother’s profile - sadly his wife was a whinger, complainer, self-centered, she met him when he was building his own home and pursued him - a quick engagement, and then she stopped working after marriage. She did not enjoy married life, and frequently called him away from his work during the day for trivial complaints. Within two weeks of marrying they had a priest and her parents in to resolve some problem. But never did they take advice to divorce, we got phone calls when they were fighting. If we gave advice it was ignored, and they would forget to tell us they had patched things up. Towards the end my brother was exhausted but she could not contribute financially. He took her and the children out for a meal after every fight, and to my knowledge he did all the providing and the cooking. Their finances did not build up the home, just went towards cheering themselves up. He bought all the presents and birthday cards for everyone, and she relied on him for everything. He said she could not read or write. She could not keep a conversation. He said that if he divorced her, he would not be free of her. How chilling. When he had died, she complained we did not rush to see her and give her a meal. Who eats when they are bereaved. On one occasion she told me my brother must leave and she must keep the house. I was so upset when he died, I told her that now she had got what she wanted, the house and my brother gone. For this reason I cannot bring myself to see her. My brother was not an angel, however he loved his children and spoiled them. I never fought with him, she called him names and belittled him. He was highly qualified, but in the end as you described, I believe that stress related depression caused him to become abusive and violent when she goaded him on an empty stomach. She sees him as a bully, but I saw him as a man who loved his family, worked hard, was generous but eventually could take no more.His mother-in-law stated in the death notice “Always willing to help others”. I believe they are now missing him for the things he provided them with. What worries me most is are we as a family unable to say no? My daughter at 16 became involved with an abusive man, and my brother endured a lifetime of “being taken advantage of”. He died out of frustration that his best efforts to have a happy family life came to nothing. He was 45. Evelyn -
Allie57
I thought I’d escaped from my abuser, but he keeps doing things that hurt me emotionally. I have cut all ties, changed phone numbers, changed email addresses, the only thing i havent done yet is moved house (that will be next if i can get it organised) so he has a mail address. Last month he sent me a photograph of him on holiday at the place we were meant to go together. Two weeks ago he sent me a postcard from Canada, he has now gone back to his wife, who had left him, but why send me a postcard? Is it to keep me hanging on, well i’ve had it, i dont want to know, i just wish he would leave me alone.
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Ronnie56
Thank you Dr Carver for giving a clear picture of what may happen in the future. My husband,younger daughter and I appreciate this guidance. I like your analogy of the parental role to a trapeze janitor. It’s an apt description and we’ll try to be ready as and when things progress.
It’s a shock just how many families have this kind of experience. Until it happened to us, fiction that depicts this type of sociopathic behaviour seemed far fetched. We now know that it is all too common. Others sharing their stories has helped us and your guidance and support provide us with a positive way of dealing with a painful situation.
Thank you
Ronnie -
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Dear Cowgirl Annie: Nice to hear from my biggest fan again. As you can tell from the discussions, many parents are in your situation. Ronnie gives us a great description of how it happens, usually in a very slow but manipulative process.
I once worked with a man who was employed as a “trapeze janitor”. It’s the guy who slowly sweeps the floor under the trapeze artist who is working without a net, always keeping one eye on the entertainer swinging over his head. His job is to catch them or break their fall if they fall. A lot of parents have the same job - keeping a loving eye on their son or daughter involved in a dangerous situation, always being there in the background to respond if help is needed.
Keep in mind that parents and family who write in and describe their situation provide a lot of help to others. You folks keep writing and Greg and I will keep writing. Thanks again. Dr. Carver
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Cowgirl Annie54
Dr Carver
I have kept up with your discussions and found that what Ronnie recently described and your reply to him closely mirrors my situation. I have written to you before. I agree with Ronnie that it is VERY difficult to stand back and “hang on loosely.” I have Grandchildren that have been kept from me, and the newest Grandchild born in March 2007 in that I have never seen or was even told about his birth. ( I found out from another family member.) My heart is torn into thousands of little pieces. I am sure that Ronnie; as well, other parents in this type of situation all share this pain. We want to help, but there is nothing we can do except –pray & wait. And we could wait for many years from what I understand. I want to say that reading your comments helps get me past the really bad days. Please keep your site open & your comments coming! WE need YOU!
Cowgirl Annie (still your biggest FAN) -
53
Dear Ronnie:
Losers don’t show their behavior at first meeting and Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t develop overnight. As you articulately described, it’s a slow, emotionally cancerous process. You painted a perfect picture of how the controller and manipulator operates. Sucker you in with charm, attention, and empty promises, then slowly sap you of strength and resources, then invent vague reasons to treat you abusively and detach themselves. The end result is almost always predictable.In projecting the future in these relationships, several things can happen. First, some victims never escape and remain detached from their families for many years. Second, the smothering nature of emotional control and abuse take a toll on the victim as in your case. Your daughter became dependent, physically deteriorated, became unhealthy, etc. Eventually, the narcissistic nature of the Loser feels their victim is too much of a burden, at which time they promptly desert the family. In this situation, your daughter will show up totally devestated, with the children, and need a lot of help repairing her damage.
Third, the victims sometime realize their situation and begin to plan their escape. They send out “feelers”, inquiring about what support may be available should they make their move to escape. Families then develop an “escape plan” that might include money in savings for plane fare, attorney consult, etc. When involved this deeply, as your daughter, an escape must be planned very well.
Lastly, especially with kids, the plight of the family often comes to the attention of authorities in their area. Your daughter’s health, the behavior of the children, lack of finances, etc. will all produce unwelcomed “heat” or trouble on the Loser and Controller. Local agencies start being concerned. At that point, the Controller typically relocates or if the heat is too intense, detaches and leaves the victim to answer to the authorities.
It’s important to maintain the text messages, emphasize your support and love, and stand ready if needed. If and when your daughter returns, the Stockholm Syndrome will not be over. She will need therapy and mental health intervention as well as medical monitoring. She will still feel a pull back into the situation if the Controller is available. Hope this reply helps. Dr. Carver
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52
Dear Sally,
I replied to your questions in the Ask the Psychologist section but a few things are worth repeating. Losers in a clinical sense are Personality Disorders. They rarely change and from their standpoint, rarely see a need to change. The Loser views the negative consequences of their behavior as a problem with the victim - not them.The biggest issue is your continued contact with the controller/abuser. Losers try to keep their victims on “back burner” and you’re currently at the back of the stove. Those contacts are opportunities for continued victimization. The Loser will make you feel guilty, openly discuss their current victim, etc. You’ll stay a victim as long as you have contact with the Loser. Each contact is evidence to the Loser that you are ripe to be victimized again, he still has you in his grasp. No Contact is the best policy. Dr. Carver
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Ronnie51
Dear Dr Carver, Your article on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and your website have been the most helpful of all the books and articles I’ve read on the subject, so thankyou for your help.
Our situation is that our daughter fell for and married a guy, who fits the descriptions of a loser, very fast. Almost immediately he asked her to marry him and moved in with her. He also worked on us, bombarding us with his attention which I assumed was to gain our approval. Whatever we were interested in he mirrored it. I felt it was over the top and was uncomfortable with it. Our daughter bit by bit changed from a loving caring daughter/sister/friend and over time cut off relationships first with friends and then family. She also changed almost overnight from a confident, intelligent, independent, career-minded person to someone who had lost all ambition apart from becoming a wife and feeling ‘there’s only room for one career in our household’. Her confidence and health also deteriorated. She became pregnant very soon after getting together with him. My husband and I, although having (unvoiced) reservations about the speed of the relationship supported her in her decisions and did our very best to welcome him into the family and accept him as a family member. We gave financial support to enable them to get a home. We noticed that close friends were dropped. She went from being fit and slim to putting on lots of weight. She seemed to leave all major, including financial, decisions to him. They now have three children and are talking of having more, but have always had financial difficulties and spent way above their means. Worryingly, they didn’t have any medical aid when she had her last child. She seems to have little or no money whereas he spends freely. He always has an answer for everything. He continually paints a picture of how things will be better, eg he’s in line for promotion, he’ll be on x salary when he qualifies etc. These things never seem to happen as he finds reasons to move on.
We also feel we have suffered abuse from him. We had been so drawn into their life together, welcomed to visit a lot, always encouraged to stay longer or bring visits forwards (never mind our jobs or other family needs). We did give continual support to them and their children including occasional financial support. Our daughter became increasingly withdrawn.
His emotional abuse of us began subtly, then he starting encouraging us to distance ourselves from other family members - and at times tried to divide my husband and myself. He derided our close friends. All this was done by him with a mixture of derisive humour, mock exasperation, allowing no time to think when in his presence as he would keep up a stream of comments, jokes, etc. I began to feel as though on sand, never knowing what he would suggest next, what would displease him. I felt I had to be on guard for self-preservation. While caught up in the situation we could only deal with the day-to-day and could not see what was really going on. There was a lot of guilt and manipulation used by him, which we were only vaguely aware of until things became increasingly difficult.
We are now estranged from our daughter and grandchildren. Trumped up reasons were made to sever their contact with us. Our daughter has said she is in agreement with his actions. At first there was no contact at all but now text messaging occasionally seems to get through and we get a short response from her. They have moved a number of times and now we have no telephone no or address for them.
In trying to make sense of what had happened to us we bit by bit gathered information and talked to various bodies, and realised that we had been vitnessing increasing domestic abuse. My husband and I, and our younger daughter all felt the need for some counselling to help us with the situation and now do have a better perspective on it.
However, we still feel appalling sadness, loss and helplessness at what is continuing to happen to our daughter and our grandchildren. As we have such limited contact it is not easy to talk to her. We know we have to wait until she realises what is happening. I wonder how much our daughter realises about what he is doing. She has never said so much as smallest criticism of him and in fact only mentions him in almost superhuman terms. A fear is that she will never see it and continue to suffer all that he inflicts on her.
We know that our role is to maintain contact in unthreatening ways and not judge or blame her for the hurt inflicted. We know she had no choice.
I suppose I am asking for some reassurance that she will eventually realise what he is and make a break from him. I realise that this is more than you can do but I would welcome your comments as it is still very hard to live with this situation despite having understanding of it.
Thankyou in anticipation
Ronnie
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