“The Mystery of Loving an Abuser” Comments, Page 5
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174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Trying Hard....
41Dr Carver,
I have been married for almost 7 years to an abusive husband. It has take 1.5 years of counseling to admit that he was abusive (and not just that he had a temper problem, or that he “touched” me in anger occassionally. He was given a mental diagnosis of bi-polar. I can’t tell you the number of hours over the years that I have spent consoling him after he physcially touched me, destroyed our personal property, and/or just called me names. He is currently seeking counseling and psychiatric counseling. Does someone who has been physcially abusive ever really change? I have lived apart from him for most of last 15 months. About six months ago, I moved back in for about 4-5 weeks, but he was already throwing empty bags at me telling me to get out of the house – so I left again. He has threatened over the years to kill both me and himself for various reasons. I have severed many friendships, and hurt my parents over the years by cutting out anyone in my life who has tried to suggest that my life could be better w/out his presense. Luckily my mom took a stand and said ‘No’ I won’t see you treated like that (she refused to visit me). Many people asked if it were going on (both families, our apartment manager), and I either lied and said no, or I told them it was none of their business.There have always been good times in between the abuse and violence. He has never broken any bones, but has done some very physcially violent, degrading things to me. Does medication and counseling ever change a person? We have no children. I still feel like mostly it is my fault. Not my fault that he has this “disease” (or even his fault) but perhaps he is sick and I should be a more understanding and supportive wife. I am happy that he is seeking treatment, but I have nothing left inside to give him. We are very near the end, and I am trying to file divorce papers. How do I get over feeling so responsible/guilty? Any advice? Thanks, Trying Hard.
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42
Dear Trying Hard… You’ve tried enough. Bipolar Disorder does not create an abusive partner, unless he’s obviously psychotic which clearly isn’t the case. His abusiveness has more to do with his personality and attitude – something unlikely to change. Your thought that somehow it’s your fault is common in abusive relationships, usually because you’ve been blamed for every physical and verbal assault due to something you said, did, didn’t do, or didn’t say. While he has offered apologies, his behavior remains unchanged. Your continued presence in the relationship will not change him, no matter how supportive you have been. In truth, you’ve spent the last seven years protecting him from arrest and keeping up his “good image” while you suffer abuse in silence.
Your guilt is also part of the emotional exhaustion commonly found after prolonged periods in abusive relationships. You are likely depressed and could benefit from counseling.
With nothing left to give, I’d recommend reuniting with your family and focusing on your recovery and new life. You will need time to heal. Dr. Carver
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DeeDee
43I know I was a victim of sexual sadist for 10 years. I can finally undertand why I ws there for 10 years and why I went along with so much now after reading about stockholm syndrome. My question for healing now, though, is this: I have violently fearful triggers (post-traumatic stress syndrome) that take me back to that expereince tho now I ahev been free of him for 17 years and I have NOT loved him/recognized what he was for 19 years now. But I am left with the absolute SHOCK of realizing WHAT I WILLINGLY DID in those 10 years. I can’t live with those memories and myself. How do I heal now that I am NO LONGER caught in stockholm syndrome?
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44
Dear DeeDee: While Stockholm Syndrome keeps folks in abusive relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) often remains years after the event. PTSD can be found in intense yet brief traumatic experiences (rape, accidents, natural disasters, crime victims, etc.) or prolonged traumatic events such as abusive relationships, captivity, prisoners of war, exposure to months of combat, etc. The intensity of the event AND the length of time exposed are related to the severity of the PTSD symptoms.
As you describe, PTSD’s classic symptom is “traumatic recollection” where a trigger event – something that reminds you of the experience – produces an intense emotional memory that literally takes you back to the memories, feelings, sensations, etc. of the original trauma. PTSD can remain at some level for many years as we have found in combat vets from World War II.
With each traumatic recollection, you are not only reliving the event, but the feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness, “absolute shock”, etc. you had at that time. Your current life may be far different but the emotional memories of those abusive times can intrude into your daily life at any time. Innocent comments, smells, songs, locations, and people can all trigger those memories.
Treatment for the PTSD is available. As a starter, I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com
The article describes how emotional memory works and how to recognize, treat, and control it. You might also seek a therapist who specializes in PTSD treatment. It’s also important to remember that if you are depressed or stressed, the PTSD symptoms will increase. When depressed, our brain tortures us with any traumatic events in our memory and history.
Lastly, we have some medications that are helpful in the treatment of PTSD. A psychiatrist would be your best bet in that treatment.
Your situation is not unusual. It’s important to remember that memories of those events are a record of where you’ve been in your life, not where you are now. Hope this reply is helpful. Dr. Carver -
Tasha
45Hi Dr Carver
I emailed you about 2 months ago when I told you that the Loser I had been dating on/off for over 16 years immediately took up with a previous partner who he used and abused for several months and dropped my like a hot potato. I am not sure if I mentioned that he famously told me and numerous other people on all too many occasions that he knew he could always get me back whenever he wanted! Nice! Somehow I don’t think so anymore. Incidentally, I totted up 18 points on your ‘how to spot a loser list for my former narcissistic personality/borderline violent ex-partner’.
My confidence has come back in bucket loads since I left him and I can truly say that I have no desire to see or hear from him again – in fact I would deem it an insult if he did contact me which I am sad to see is what he probably will do when the dust has settled and he has got bored with the current ‘stepford wife doormat’ he is currently seeing.
My problem is that I keep having accidents, I have bumped my car, lost my housekeys and now recently inadvertently flooded the house. This is actually not like me at all as I am the most careful person you could wish to meet. I want to know is this normal and whether you can suggest anything that might help me. I have a responsible job, am regarded as very careful and capable lady who actually copes very well in a crisis and please note that despite the fact the above problems I am going through right now, I have no desire to contact my ‘loser’ who was only ever interested in himself and when I had problems once dumped me because he said I depressed him. I can cope with this on my own but it does make me feel quite vulnerable that I keep having these accidents. I have had counselling in the past but to be honest my family has been fantastically supportive and I don’t actually think a counsellor could offer better support. Your suggestions please.
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46
Dear Tasha: Your recent rash of accidents is probably related to inattention – a difficulty in paying full attention when doing routine things in life. We do most things in life automatically like start the car, lock doors, turn off faucets, etc. Even though these routine activities are done without much thought, there’s always enough attention to notice when something goes wrong or to remember that we did something like turn off a faucet or stove. When troubled by inattention, we forget steps (like taking off an emergency brake), become easily distracted, and don’t remember to do routine things – or if we did them.
Being very careful is the opposite of inattentive. Inattention is a common component of stress and anxiety. Even though the Loser is out of your life and your confidence is rebuilding, you are still recovering from 16 years of hell on earth. The average recovery time from a loss of a significant relationship, even if you didn’t like them, is about 18 months (same recovery time as a head injury!). During this time you’ll have lots of thoughts running in your head – creating the inattention. While family can be very supportive, they can’t calm the brain down. You’ll need to remind yourself to concentrate more when driving or engaging in risky activity. Inattention can be a job problem as well. Inattentive butchers lose fingers, drivers find themselves in a ditch, and electricians are in for a shock.
You can exercise, use relaxation methods, and try to reduce to stress to improve your attention. It’s not a serious problem but the inattention tells you that you’re still thinking too much and too fast. Try to slow down and return to being careful…and Loser-free. Dr. Carver -
Tasha47
Thank you for your help Dr Carver.
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Sally
48Can losers/controllers ever change ? Does counselling help them or are they destined to be a controller for the rest of their lives? Could it be circumstances or just a phase they are going through that triggers the behaviour ? I left my partner of 3yrs in April 2006. I read you article on Controlling Relationships and it was the single most useful thing I have done. I related to 18 out of the 20 points you raised. My ex is now living with a new partner and from what he tells me, he is treating her exactly the same way as me and I see she is heading for the same black hole. I wish I had been warned by his ex wife and I want to anonymously warn his new partner. Should I do this? The worse thing is I still find I need contact with him even though I know I never want to go back to that life again.
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Ronnie
49Dear Dr Carver, Your article on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and your website have been the most helpful of all the books and articles I’ve read on the subject, so thankyou for your help.
Our situation is that our daughter fell for and married a guy, who fits the descriptions of a loser, very fast. Almost immediately he asked her to marry him and moved in with her. He also worked on us, bombarding us with his attention which I assumed was to gain our approval. Whatever we were interested in he mirrored it. I felt it was over the top and was uncomfortable with it. Our daughter bit by bit changed from a loving caring daughter/sister/friend and over time cut off relationships first with friends and then family. She also changed almost overnight from a confident, intelligent, independent, career-minded person to someone who had lost all ambition apart from becoming a wife and feeling ‘there’s only room for one career in our household’. Her confidence and health also deteriorated. She became pregnant very soon after getting together with him. My husband and I, although having (unvoiced) reservations about the speed of the relationship supported her in her decisions and did our very best to welcome him into the family and accept him as a family member. We gave financial support to enable them to get a home. We noticed that close friends were dropped. She went from being fit and slim to putting on lots of weight. She seemed to leave all major, including financial, decisions to him. They now have three children and are talking of having more, but have always had financial difficulties and spent way above their means. Worryingly, they didn’t have any medical aid when she had her last child. She seems to have little or no money whereas he spends freely. He always has an answer for everything. He continually paints a picture of how things will be better, eg he’s in line for promotion, he’ll be on x salary when he qualifies etc. These things never seem to happen as he finds reasons to move on.
We also feel we have suffered abuse from him. We had been so drawn into their life together, welcomed to visit a lot, always encouraged to stay longer or bring visits forwards (never mind our jobs or other family needs). We did give continual support to them and their children including occasional financial support. Our daughter became increasingly withdrawn.
His emotional abuse of us began subtly, then he starting encouraging us to distance ourselves from other family members – and at times tried to divide my husband and myself. He derided our close friends. All this was done by him with a mixture of derisive humour, mock exasperation, allowing no time to think when in his presence as he would keep up a stream of comments, jokes, etc. I began to feel as though on sand, never knowing what he would suggest next, what would displease him. I felt I had to be on guard for self-preservation. While caught up in the situation we could only deal with the day-to-day and could not see what was really going on. There was a lot of guilt and manipulation used by him, which we were only vaguely aware of until things became increasingly difficult.
We are now estranged from our daughter and grandchildren. Trumped up reasons were made to sever their contact with us. Our daughter has said she is in agreement with his actions. At first there was no contact at all but now text messaging occasionally seems to get through and we get a short response from her. They have moved a number of times and now we have no telephone no or address for them.
In trying to make sense of what had happened to us we bit by bit gathered information and talked to various bodies, and realised that we had been vitnessing increasing domestic abuse. My husband and I, and our younger daughter all felt the need for some counselling to help us with the situation and now do have a better perspective on it.
However, we still feel appalling sadness, loss and helplessness at what is continuing to happen to our daughter and our grandchildren. As we have such limited contact it is not easy to talk to her. We know we have to wait until she realises what is happening. I wonder how much our daughter realises about what he is doing. She has never said so much as smallest criticism of him and in fact only mentions him in almost superhuman terms. A fear is that she will never see it and continue to suffer all that he inflicts on her.
We know that our role is to maintain contact in unthreatening ways and not judge or blame her for the hurt inflicted. We know she had no choice.
I suppose I am asking for some reassurance that she will eventually realise what he is and make a break from him. I realise that this is more than you can do but I would welcome your comments as it is still very hard to live with this situation despite having understanding of it.
Thankyou in anticipation
Ronnie -
50
Dear Sally,
I replied to your questions in the Ask the Psychologist section but a few things are worth repeating. Losers in a clinical sense are Personality Disorders. They rarely change and from their standpoint, rarely see a need to change. The Loser views the negative consequences of their behavior as a problem with the victim – not them.The biggest issue is your continued contact with the controller/abuser. Losers try to keep their victims on “back burner” and you’re currently at the back of the stove. Those contacts are opportunities for continued victimization. The Loser will make you feel guilty, openly discuss their current victim, etc. You’ll stay a victim as long as you have contact with the Loser. Each contact is evidence to the Loser that you are ripe to be victimized again, he still has you in his grasp. No Contact is the best policy. Dr. Carver
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