Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
You are browsing comments for the story “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here.
154 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
-
Kim30
Dear Dr. Carver,
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your informative website. My husband and I have been suffering at the hands of a SS Abuser for years and didn’t have a name for what we were experiencing with his children / my step-children until I found your article online “Love and the Stockholm Syndrome”.
Each detail of the SS you have listed describes what my step-children have been living and we have been witnessing for over 10 years. At the risk of appearing to be just targeting the children’s mother, we can validate her as a SS Abuser. Over the years communication with the children has been almost impossible. My husband had to fight in court just to have phone contact with either of them. The children were not allowed to acknowledge us in public places when she was present. If we attended a school function and their mother wasn’t present, they would joyfully and willingly come running to us for conversation and attention…with their mother present; they behaved as though we were strangers. We have endured several court hearings and false accusations and have had to prove our good intentions over and over.
Last summer, Jennifer age 14, was exploring the idea of “exiting” and told us so many things we had suspected all along. Her mother torments them with “ballistic” outbursts, physical harm, threats and bribery to make sure they don’t disappoint her. Jennifer made the comment that her step-father is not allowed to associate with his family any longer or her mother will mistreat him. Association with us has always brought her and her brother verbal abuse and threats. She spoke of being fearful of her mom and told us of the threats her mom made to her if she were to come live with us (her dad). She was told by her mom that she would be treated differently in the home if she spent more time at her dad’s, and if she chose to live at her dad’s that she (her mom) would never want to see her again.
My step-son has chosen to stop the “trouble” and no longer visits us. We have had no contact with him for 10 months. This coincided with his 16th birthday – as a measure of his mother’s control since he would have driving privileges and be able to visit us when he chose. Both the children and their mother have this talent of instigating issues and then somehow become the “victim” and blaming others…creating a reason for hostilities and separation from family members without just cause. There have been several instances when “problems” have arisen that made no sense and it felt like we were being “set up”.
The children are told to keep secrets from us and we have never been welcomed to any of their school functions, but choose to go on our own. Their mother has verbally abused us and has literally chased us out of places to keep us away from the kids, even in public. She has tried every thing in her power, and every accusation to cease our visitations, but through the local FIA and Courts, her accusations were always found false.
The kids have shared with us over the years of “why mommy acts like she does”…my step-son said once…”my mom lies all the time because her dad drank beer.” They have blamed their mom’s behaviors on her childhood and family.
Their mom often lavishes the children with expensive gifts with no apparent reason…seeming to “buy” them and keep them on her side.
My husband and I have always maintained a peaceful and stable home for them when they visit and try hard not to put the kids in the middle of the ongoing frustrations and unfairness that comes our way. We have raised my two sons in our household and they are emotionally stable and thriving young adults.
This is just a short overview of all the circumstances we have dealt with. I guess our main concern at this point, as we feel we are losing my step-daughter under her mom’s pressures, is that we need to know the correct way to handle this and if there have been parents successful in addressing this syndrome in the courts or thru counseling to “save” the kids and change the custody. Is the SS hard to prove in Court or through local Social Services intervention? We feel we are in dire need of direction in getting the children out of their harmful and mentally abusive environment.
Have you seen other cases similar to this where the children outgrow the mother’s control and manipulations and choose to free themselves? Any advice you could offer us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your time. -
29
Dear David: It sounds like you’ve found one of those folks I talk about in my article. It doesn’t sound like you are being abusive but as you know now, anytime you confront her behavior you will be accused of being unfair, abusive, or whatever. She never lets you talk because she isn’t interested in your opinion…only keeping you under her control. You have a right to be concerned and she is not worried about how her behavior might jeopardize you. Allowing underage drinking and pot smoking is also known as “contributing to the deliquency of a minor” where I come from…a criminal charge. You are the one being abused in this situation. By the way, this individual has lived in this manner for many years - you didn’t cause it. You may want to consider developing an exit plan before your self-esteem is damaged. Dr. Carver
-
david m.28
Dr. Carver Sir,
I met her 7 months ago. It was about one month after that, that she said to me one night… I love you, very loudly; I thought about it, said to myself, strange, but that sounds nice. I moves in with her two months after meeting her. She told me that she didnt want to live with her boyfriend, but rather a fiance. After moving in I started to notice her manipulation, and control, and disrespect, and humiliation. She had a rough childhood. She lets her son smoke pot in his bed room, and have parties with alcohol, with his friends, all of whom are 17 years old. She got a dui last year 06. Nothing is her fault, she blames me for a lot. She was married for 16 years, and cheated on her husband. She tells me things that make me feel like crap, then turns around and tells me that she is sorry, she was only joking around. She at one time flipped mo off, and locked me out of the house because I wouldnt give her a ride… she never asked me, she said I should have known….
These are just a few of my moments with her. My freinds and family tell me I am not the same, I dont sound the same. Some of these people live in different states.
What I am writing about is that I tell myself that it will get better, I want her to just listen and meet me half way. She never, NEVER lets me talk, or try to explain why I did this or said that. The more I want to talk the more she talks, and the louder she talks.
I read dating a loser, and she fits the description to a tee. What bothers me though is that sometimes she will be lying in bed reading, and when I walk in, she will just ignore me. I once said, I need more from you, you are distant, cold, and unloving a lot of the time. She is only loving when I back off. Am I being abusive to her by telling her to give me more affection, because I want that in a relationship? I sometimes hang up on her because she just wont stop talkin, and I cant get a word in… Am I being abusive? I dont want to be. I have moved all of my things out of her house, have my own place now, and she is more angry with me than anything else, because I moved. She told me to get my own place, because she is sick of hearing me complain about her sons parties, loud music till about 2 am.
What do you think… Is there a point at which abuse is really really bad compaired to really mild?
Thank You,
David M. -
27
Dear Kathleen: Your father may have fallen for a con-artist. Sadly, this is more complicated than Stockholm Syndrome in a relationship. In fact, it borders on criminal and/or dangerous when you describe withholding medications, placing him out of a car, etc.
Sad to say, but your father is probably an emotional hostage. In this situation, the family must often press the situation from a legal standpoint. Con-artists are fearful of legal and law situations as the objective nature of the courts prevents their manipulations. You may want to seek the advice of an attorney regarding your legal options. You can also contact protective services for the elderly. Any hint, suggestion, or suspicion of mistreatment can prompt an intervention or investigation by community agencies. This type of pressure often puts the con-artist on alert that their behavior, manipulations, and schemes are under observation and monitoring. For example, she is using her “religion” in an attempt to deny him medical care. Her religion is not his religion however and you may be able to intervene legally to obtain proper care for him. Again, when con-artist schemes are brought into the light of day (or court) they tend to fall apart. She is hoping that her schemes will last long enough to inherit his wealth. Again, this is not uncommon from a legal standpoint and local legal and law enforcement resources may be able to help.
I might add that if your father has no other comfortable option rather than living with the con-artist, if you can’t offer an equal-value and desirable alternative, he is likely to return to her. Dr. Carver -
26
Dear Dr. Carver-
I’ll try to keep this as short and to the point as I can. I’m sure I could never address all that needs to be addressed here.
After my mothers death, my father has married a woman less that half his age. He is 86 and she is 44. My father is a man of considerable wealth and this woman had nothing. We (his children) were all suspicious of their relationship, but tried to support it. Over time she has changed him considerably. He displays every symptom of Stockholm Syndrom that you describe. He might be the Stockholm Poste child… She could have written the book on the abuser. He is not allowed to see his children or grandchildren. We are not allowed to go to his home. Nor are is friends. We are not allowed to call him, nor he us. Over the 5 years of his relationship with her, he has lost every friend he ever had. And he has had very little contact with his fmil. Eventhough we used to be a tight knit family. His world has become smaller and smaller. He will sneak out for a visit if she is out of town or away. She is an extremest in her religious beliefs and “beats” him up with that on a daily basis. He has signed over the title to his home, his vehicles, his life insurance policies are in her name as are his annuities. Heaven knows what else he has handed over to her to appease her. If there is an altercation of any sort, she shows up in town with a new Mercedes or some other bauble and a smug smile on her face.
She has had his children and grandchildren arrested just for showing up at his home. She had threatened to go after all of his family in one way or another. When he gains the courage cross her in any way-she threatens an “abandonment”lawsuit. He is 87-he has no idea what that means. She will let him visit his children only occasionally and I have heard him make many excuses for her behavior. “She’s really crazy, you know.” “If I don’t stay there she might hurt her girls.” “She had a very difficult childhood.” “People have always treated her poorly.” He always hopes it will get better.
She has two daughters from her first marriage and she doesn’t hesitate to use them to hurt my father as well. She has him convinced that their own father doesn’t help and doesn’t want them-eventhough they spend summers & etc. with their father and he is very supportive. We have talked to him and she apparently treated him the same way. He says it took him years to get his head on staight after his marriage to her. He also told us that she had been diagnosed as Bipolar, but would never take medication for it.
I have purused this site and others, but haven’t found any case similar to mine. What can his family do to help him? What can we do to protect ourselves from her crazyness? Are there any elder laws that would apply to our case? I am afraid my father is just too old and not strong enough to see the end of this tunnel. I feel like we should help him, but don’t know how. We have tied to be a s supportive as we can under the circumstances. We have played by her rules. We don’t call or go to his home. We stay as far away from her as we can but we refuse to give up hope of having our father back. She has him convinced that we really don’t love him and that she is the only one who really likes him and will take care of him. She has kicked him out of his house countless times-for some silly thing…he came home too late or he waved to someone that she did not approve of. She kicked him out of their car in the middle of November, on a busy highway last year, because my sister had left a message on his cell phione concerning a doctor appointment. His wife will not allow him to take his heart medicine nor will she support any medical help in any way. She even refused an ambulance transport for him when he has some heart issues! She said she would just take him home and pray for him! We didn’t know about all of this until much later. Help-what we need is help and guidance. Anything you could do would be appreciated. There re hundreds of incidents that we have documented and been witness to. As have others in the community. For all of this evidence-we are at a loss. He just keeps going back-hoping things will get better… -
25
Dear James: Partners and children who live with personality disorders report feeling programmed or trained. We feel programmed because we have developed strategies and behaviors to survive in the relationship. We learn what not to say or do - fearing an outburst. As a victim, our behavior changes over time to survive. However, these changes in behavior or attitude- our “programming” - are quickly noticed by family and friends. Family notices that we don’t smile anymore, walk with our head down, or excessively try to keep the children quiet. As you mention, part of our recovery is the deletion of those programmed behaviors and attitudes. Dr. Carver
-
James24
Dr. Carver,
Even after losing a partner with NPD. I still feel that must tell myself each day that she will never be allow back into my life. It feel more like I am de-programming myself the way I think and feel. Is this part of the Stockholm Syndrome? I can’t fail in this! I must not allow this person to do any more damage to my children and I! She is now in another state and we hope that she will stay there. But afraid if this relationship doesn’t work she might try to re-connect with us. As in your paper on a Controller/loser traits. This is my worst fear and nightmare. I know that if she can make this relationship work, she will leave us along like she (forget about us) did with her pass relationship with her ex and her two other children.
Anyway I feel like I am de-programming myself. Have you even been told this by other people? Thanks! -
23
Dear Christine: The best way to minimize a bad influence is to maintain a healthy environment. At the current ages of your children, attempts to negatively influence them will produce more confusion than long-term problems. Children don’t understand adult situations. You may find that he is more concerned with using the children against you than maintaining his role as a good parent. Many antisocial & narcissistic Losers gradually detach from their children, blaming the ex-spouse as a way to move on to their next relationship. Being a parent requires almost-always putting the needs of the children first - something Losers find almost impossible to do. It sounds like you’re on the right track. Dr. Carver
-
Christine22
Six months ago I left what I now know to be a stockholme syndrome man. We had been married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful sons aged 4 and 6. I eventually left him thanks to my family encouraging me to leave on the spur of the moment one day. I am now back in the family home after having him arrested for his behaviour for which he received a police caution. My fear is for my children and his access to them and the negative influence he has. What can I do about this? Have my sons already been scarred?
-
21
Dear Mandy, You mention “If he feels rejected he’ll dump me”. That probably says it best. He sounds pretty narcissistic and maybe a controller, providing and promising a lot…as long as everything goes his way. As the relationship continues, he’ll “feel rejected” by more and more things, even small behaviors on your part, justifying his outbursts and threats. As you suspect, there’s a lot of risk in this relationship. It’s likely to be more of the same..a rollercoaster. I also suspect that you’ll “pay” in some way for everything you receive. If you question his behavior, he’ll bring up all he has done for you and pretty soon, you don’t question anymore. As for money, people in relationships help each other all the time - sometimes with money, car repair, help paint a room, etc. If he is a controller, you’ll just hear about it later when he tries to make you feel guilty or control you. He already has you worried about who calls your home phone. He’s not likely a prince and may show more negative characteristics as time passes. Be careful. Dr. Carver
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can post a comment there.
Pages: « 16 … 7 6 5 4 [3] 2 1 »