Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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154 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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mandy20
Hi,
I recently left a several year marriage with what had turned into a emotionally abusive man. He slowly undermined my abiliy to socialise, any confidence in myself and would threaten me with the loss of my children if I left him and told me that no one would ever want me if i left him. Well finally i did after five years of trying to get up the courage and after trying alot of other bad behaviours to support myself in the emotionally desolate place I found myself.So now I’m free of him but found myself meeting another man soon after my separation. He is great but does have some of the chateristics that you list and then some. He has built me up and is forever teling me how beautiful, clever, interesting and pleasant I am. He is protective of me and seems to care about what is happening in my life. He claims that I am the love of his life and he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me. The relationship started slowly due to my hesitancy and as I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Other characteristics that he exhibits is paying for everything and offering me quite extravagent gifts, trips away, he buys me clothes, offers to pay my debts, and even a salary from his busniness. He is a potentially rich man but at times this makes me feel uncomfortable, although it is very sweet and a wonderful thing for a otherwise broke solo mum.
He seems very stable then every so often be will just flip. If he feels rejected he will suddenly dump me and say that its over. He refuses to discuss things and I have found myself begging him to stay or just to talk about the issue. I have spoken to him about these moments and he keeps on saying that he will stop but then he does it again. In the course of these moments he has pushed redial on my phone and I am now careful about what i say and do around other men in some situations.
So prince or a loser?? He has hit a guy recently on the rugby field,(apparently his fault) he has a great deal of very long term friends and is very loyal with them. I like his friends on the main part although some are a bit sexist and look at woman like objects. He drinks more than I am comfortable with, he treats waitresses ok and is a great dad to his two kids although some of his boundaries have been a bit suspect around sexual and drug taking stuff.(more exposing his kids to a sexuaised environment through his behaviours) My kids love him due to his firm boundaries but good fun attitude. Being with him is somewhat of a rollarcoaster ride some amazingly good times and alot of love but some points of unease.
What do you think of how he offers me money etc?
Mandy
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19
Dear Danielle,
Abusive partners are rarely abusive on the first few dates. Instead, they slowly prepare their victims to be abused - and stay - by using methods I describe in my article on Identifying Losers on this website. By the time the abusiveness begins, they’ve convinced you that you are at fault or you are a bad person for not understanding their abusive behavior. I’d recommend reading my article on Identifying Losers (and abusers). It’s unlikely that doing things differently would have prevented the abuse. Abusive individuals are violent and abusive because of who they are - not who the victim is or what the victim does. If you did things differently, your abuser would simply have abused you for a different reason. You would have still been abused. I would suggest counseling/therapy to deal with the loss of self-esteem you have probably experienced in this situation. Dr. Carver -
DANIELLE18
i was just abused and feel sometimes like it was my fault that i shouldve done something differently.
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17
Dear AJ: I’ve seen your situation many times in clinical practice. The law is difficult to work with in this situation. Your father has not been declared incompetent so little action can be taken. On the other hand, proving incompetency or excessive control and influence (not to mention fraud) is also difficult and expensive. Working with authorities is often our best bet, especially those monitoring abuse of the elderly. A caretaker con-artist is often comfortable fighting with relatives but often backs off when confronted by legal and protective authorities who like I, have seen this situation many times over the years.
As you mention, your father may have only partial understanding about what is happening to him (and his interests). Keep in mind that the con-artist is counting on you to be polite, not want to hurt your father’s feelings, and be frightened by threats of legal action. When a criminal threatens you with a knife, he assumes you don’t have a gun. Keeping the legal pressure and third-party monitoring often makes the con-artist uncomfortable, feeling they are walking a thin line between pulling off a scam and being charged with a criminal offense. Dr. Carver -
AJ16
Dr. Carver,
Can Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitivie Dissonance be applied to Adult Abuse, particularly through Undue Influence and Manipulation? My 74 year old father has been cared for by the last 2 years by woman who has sytematically isolated him from his family, friends, his church and the community at large and has depeleted his life savings, building herself a new house, buying a new car and then dumping him in a long-term care facility where he is now on Medicare. At the outset, she brought a no-contact order against me so that I could not see my dad or try to tell him that the things she was doing, taking his belongings, using his money, etc. were not normal and very damaging. Your discussion of Cognitive Dissonance describes how he has gone from being a loving, social, kind man who fully engaged in a normal father-daughter relationship with me to someone who no longer goes to church or other social functions and will not engage in familial relationships–not even with my children–and openly accuses his loved ones of theft and causing trouble for him. There are no legal actions that we can take right now to get the caregiver out of his life short of filing for a Guardianship, which we tried and was contested, so due to lack of financial resources, we withdrew. He has Parkinsons’ Disease and diabetes and is frail. I have to go back to court this Thursday as he wishes to renew the no-contact order against me, the petition having been filled out in his caregiver’s handwriting, and I am confused about what I should do. I do not want to further his beleif that I will stir up trouble, yet I do not want a legal aciton against me. This of course is besides that fact that there has been investigation into abuse by the state APS and local law enforcement is aware of the undue influence and even legal fraud, but as long as my dad suffers Stockholm Syndrome, no one can bring charges against the caregiver or make the situation different. I want to be able to convey to my dad that I love him and miss him without there being some sort of backlash from the caregiver, but I’m not sure if the courtroom is the right place for it. At any rate, your article has helped me realize that his actions do not equate conscious rejection of me as his daughter, but are indications that he is abused and is now in survival mode. Thank you for putting complicated material into real life situations and terms that are easily understandable. -
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Dear Cowgirl: In Stockholm Syndrome, the captor can be male or female as you’ve discovered. Your son is currently doing everything in his power to avoid trouble - including rejecting his family. Keep in mind that Voodoo woman needs hostile enemies to keep up her level of turmoil and attention. She will try many manipulations to provoke your family into a response - using your response to justify her behavior. The only way to win a game with a severe personality disorder is not to play. Don’t fall for the provocations, keep your distance, and hang on loosely. Your son knows he is in an extreme situation…but he’s trapped by the children. If the family keeps a safe distance, her behavior will explode in other directions. He’ll then hopefully realize that she is the problem, not the family. He may then contact family members in a very quiet manner to plan his detachment. Dr. Carver
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Dear Evelyn: We can be held hostage with more than a gun or knife. Guilt, fear, intimidation, lies, and other emotional conditions can hold us in abusive relationships. You and your daughter are taking the correct approach toward recovery - learn about it, seek treatment, address any mental health conditions (depression, PTSD, etc.) and support each other. Your daughter’s experience, like my article, remind people that Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t always occur in bank robberies. I wish you success in your family recover. Dr. Carver
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13
Dear JS: Your story addresses a very common situation regarding past abuse, control, and ex-partners. Kenny Chesney has a song entitled “I Go Back” in which hearing a song from his past triggers intense memories and returns him to those days. In truth, you have dealt with and survived those times…very effectively.
Your recent contact with your ex has triggered “emotional memory”. Our memories are stored with the feelings we had at the time. We automatically smile when hearing a song of our childhood (assuming it was happy) and become distressed when a bad memory comes up. When a memory surfaces…so do the feelings of that time. This contact has returned you to an emotional state of feeling threatened, helpless, intimidated, etc. The feeling in these memories has nothing to do with our current life situation. Very strong people have been reduced to emotional helplessness when memories of their past surprise them. Combat vets have emotional “flashbacks” of their combat experience that can hit them driving, with friends, or when shopping.
To deal with these emotional memories and develop an effective strategy to deal with this situation, I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory. It’s available on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com under the Articles section. It describes how emotional memories work, for good and bad, and how to effectively manage them in our daily lives.
Remember, while you retain memories of those days, you are not living in those days. You need to develop a legal and business-like strategy to protect your children (and yourself) from this abusive individual. Depend on your attorney…not on memories created years ago. If you think about it, you and your husband probably know how to deal with “jerks”. I would also let your husband read the article as it will help him understand the sudden mood changes you will experience as you deal with this situation. Dr. Carver -
12
Dr Carver,
Thank you very much for your amazing and heartstopping description about what our 16 year-old daughter experienced at the hands of a 36 year old male teacher at her school. He seduced her (using the cell phone mostly)and systematically broke her will to resist him. He raped her on more than one occasion. Of course in this instance she kept her secret for over a year, and was naturally terrified of speaking out. When she did the teacher was allowed to resign. She was cutting herself. The whole episode was frightening and life-threatening. I took her out of the school, with no assistance from them or the State. She has been brave enough to write a book and her description is amazing - her psychologist used the term Stockholm Syndrome. I also used this in my section of the book, to try to make people understand why she kept the secret. Laws in this country (South Africa) make it very difficult to lay charges, - she was 16, at the age of consent. I really appreciated therefore seeing such an apt description - my daughter was not at fault although the school and the community went into denial. She was abused and discarded, by the abuser and her school. We have spent a year coming to terms with this. Thank you for helping people learn about this terrible psychological condition. It is very real, very frightening and victims need a lot of understanding, support and love. The abuser uses a terrible method of instilling fear and guilt. It is around us everywhere and in this country I believe that almost one in four women (maybe even men) suffer from the effects of abusive relationships.My daughter is on anti-depressants and consults her psychologist once a week. We are worried about the long term effects, but at least she is back and understands what she experienced. Terrible for some-one under 18 years, even worse when it is not properly reconised by those in authority! She and I both suffer with post-traumatic stress. My only way to cope is to continually write and research the subject. Thank you again. -
JS11
Dr. Carver,
When I was 16, I started dating a man who was 23. He was the “cream of the crop” in the church in which I grew up. He was attending Bible College to be a minister. He was physically, emotionally & sexually abusive. When the abuse started (gradually & then intensified), I was already “in love”. Also with my family situation (parents divorced, etc.) it caused me to cling to the relationship. He sexually assaulted me, and the College did not call the police because they did not want to be in the newspaper (this was a very fundamental “Bible Belt” area of the U.S. He left the State. I found myself alone, embarrassed and obviously messed up mentally. He started calling again, with all kinds of promises, and I ran off and flew to the other State and married him. 8 years and 3 kids later, I left him with $5 in my pocket and my 3 children in my arms. That was 6 years ago, and I never went back. I went to college, earned a B.S. degree, and have worked hard to raise my children normal and happy (and away from their real father). Now, I am 32, and I think about the past and am trying to figure out “why”. Why I dated him, why I stayed with him, etc. I know I was so young and my parents were not available. But also, He was soo soo soo manipulative. I check the newspaper in the city he lives in, online from time to time because I just KNOW he will be on the news, arrested someday for some horrible crime. Now he is living with his mother and he wants to see the children, which scares me so much. I have retained an attorney and am fighting it. This has brought up so many emotions and fears that I thought I had long ago dealt with. Here I am happily remarried, with beautiful children, this should be the happiest time in my life, and yet, honestly, I still have to deal with my emotions and fears, and some days are very difficult. I would really like to find a psychologist for counseling, one that has advanced experience and knowledge of abuse, because what I went through was very chilling and horrible. And what’s worse is everybody just thinks my Ex is so great. But I know his dark side. I need the skills to deal with this day to day, because its like always having a dark cloud hanging over me, even when I am taking a walk on the beach on a sunny day. It’s hard, and I don’t think anyone ever truly fully recovers. I also think if I could tell my story, and get it “analyzed”, I think it could help others. Do you do over the phone counseling? Can you recommend someone in my area? And if you ever write another book, my story may help. I just want to be as close to normal as possible.
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