“The Mystery of Loving an Abuser” Comments, Page 16
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174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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GerneyLee Carter-Cauffman
151I am in at the end of a marriage – more or less – because he is using it – the process to control and intimidate and make me feel unsafe. I KNOW I have Stolkhome sydrome and yet, yet, I cannot overrule it. I am terrified – and incapable of detaching totally from this man. I hate him and I want him. I am – horrors! 63 and he is 60 and we are both educated – he however, really is socially beneath me although I am penniless – he roped me in by providing food and shelter and now controls by the threat of and indeed has taken it away.
My question is: how to I get rid of this feeling that I know is incorrect, but is real and I cannot shake it. I am going to a counselor and she must be terribly upset. Just about the time I seem to be able to detach I get horribly scared and fight to maintain the relatinship even though he is devaluing me and acting like I don’t matter. I am very good looking – I am being candid here – and look nothing like you would expect in my reported age – he is a tobacco chewing farmer who braggs about himself and makes himself and his job at Penn State sound more important than it is and he pointedly devalues me. Everyone else is falling all over themselves about me, and I am drawn to this guy who holds my housing an food in his hands.
espcially housing. With him I go to senior housing – I cannot bear the thought.
Tell me how to shed this feeling.
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Kath
152Dr. Carver,
Not long ago my son’s mother in law forwarded an email from one she received from my daughter in laws work address. I know this was a done to inform me her daughter had a job. Her job history was to say the least horrible. My son would always tell me how her employer was being mean to her or asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. Well I have recently found out my daughter in law is no longer at this job. I of course know I should not sink to her level and ask her why she sent me this email. I instead had written a letter to my son. I explained that he had gone out of his way to make sure I have no information regarding their life and I trusted he would be sure it never happened again. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t want to forward it back to her with a nasty comment about how long that lasted. But I won’t. I wanted to plant a seed that his mother in law may be a bit of a trouble maker.
I still send my son greeting cards. They usually are non threatening and say, “Just checking in to see how you’re doing” or something of that nature. He and “his family” are invited to every family function. I do receive the cards back. They used to be glued shut and pretended not to be read. Now they come back opened and just mailed back to me. I am confused about one thing. My parents had sent my son a card inviting “his family” to our 4th of July party. They also enclosed $5 for my grandson. They did not get their card back. I know my son well enough to know he does no like being controlled. He comes by that trait very honestly because he is very much like me that way. I feel it is very likely he was the one who received that card before his wife saw it.
If he did receive that card before his wife saw it I know it is probably the first $5 dollars he did not have to account for since I gave him money to go on training manuevers with the National Guard. Of course I always heard that his wife thought she gave him enough money, but he filled up his truck and he had none left. I was asked not to let her know because “it would make her feel bad.”
I of course saw through that. I gave him the money because I didn’t want him to be gone for two weeks without any money. I also sent him with cookies and other things I know he liked because he would accept them with no resistance. And that was because he was not taking them home.When my son was in Iraq his wife told me she would go on line every day to see if my son made any purchases. I thought that was amazing since he was risking his life every day doing convoy security. She monitored his every move and I know that is why I did not even get an acknowledgement that I sent him packages.
I want to believe that my son got this card first and is possibly seeing that there is no solution with his wife. And is doing what is necessary to survive in that relationship. Even if that means hiding simple things like receiving a few dollars in cash that she is unaware of.
I did send him two certified letters that he had to sign for. One he did not pick up for 14 days and the next he picked up immediately. The one that waited 14 days was picked up on their anniversary when she would probably allow him out of her sight to purchase her a gift that she gave him the money for. The other was the day after the attempt to deliver, but that could have been because he received the notice first.
Dr. Carver, is there a chance he knows what is going on?
Kath
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Karen Pooley
153Dr Carver,
My niece is a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. It has to do with parent alienation that my ex-bro-in-law has for the last 5 years of her life done to alienate my niece from my sister (his ex-wife) and now encompassing all of my sister’s family, which includes myself.My ex-bro-in-law (let’s call him B) has sysetmatically brain-washed my niece and eventually my niece has succombed to the child abuse known as PAS (parent alienation syndrome.) The little known fact is that this syndrome is very very similar to Stockholm Syndrome as the victim is really enduring child abuse of the worst sort. We have now been cut off from even telephone communication from my niece. She will not come home to my sister’s house, even though my sister has residential custody. My sister has not seen her daughter now for 4 months now.
We are in a law suit against her ex husband to regain control of my niece through a court order.
My question to you is: Where can we seek help for my niece once my sister gains physical control of her? Is there a de-programming facility where we can pay someone or a team to help her? Please help give us some sort of assistance as we are unsure of where to go for help.
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Suzanne
154Dr. Carver, I have been told that I have had stockholm syndrome after being treated for sexual assult 13 years after it happen. I was married to a fella that controlled me and physically abused me. I have sense divorced him and moved on but I am at a place in my life that I morn the loss of the person who was so hurt and wondered why I allowed someone to hurt me. I am in a loving relationship where the person cares about my thoughts and feelings but I can’t explain things. I was also in the military and served in the 1st Gulf War. There wasn’t very many of women serving in the gulf and my job was male dominate.
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155
Dear Suzanne: While you are describing some symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome, it’s more like that something else is involved. That something else is likely to be depression. When depressed, our brain searches our memory files for experiences it can use to torment us. Many depressed adults are tormented by memories of events in their childhood which led the first psychotherapists (like Freud) to assume that most adult mental health problems had their roots in childhood. We know now that decreased levels of the neurotransmitter Serotonin not only produce depression, but cause the brain to search for tormenting files/memories. Your brain has found that abusive relationship. Those memories contain emotions and have now given you an uncomfortable combination of feelings. I’d recommend reading on depression and Emotional Memory (article on this website).
You are likely to be experiencing a depression rather than reconsidering your feelings for your abusive ex. You may also be reexperiencing many of your Gulf War memories as well. I’d consult with your family physician first. He/She may be able to provide an antidepressant medication that would be helpful. Understanding Stockholm Syndrome will be helpful, but recognizing that your brain is working in the memory banks – not in the here-and-now – will also help. During this memory torment, don’t reconsider, don’t contact him, and don’t make big decisions until your head clears. Your ex isn’t an “old flame”, he’s an old abuser. Your life is better in the present than in the past. Stay in the present. Dr. Carver
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Suzanne
156Dr Carver, Thank you for commenting. I have been seeing a theraphist for 6 years and take SSRI’s for my PTSD. I am in a point in my recovery that I haven’t gone anywhere other than backwards. My theraphist has been very difficult to get in to see with all her responsibilities. I did call her line direct after I wrote the message. The literature is very educational and has help a great deal. Thank you.
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Ashley
157I was in an abusive relationship for 2 1/2 yrs. 3 yrs ago last June it came to a boiling point where he did things to me infront to the children, I left, he went to jail, havn’t seen him sence. The problem is that even after all this time away from him, I still love him so much. I actually hurt because I miss the “good times” we had together, as few and far between as they were. I know I can never be with him and I know he can never be in our lives so why can’t I hate him for what he did? Why do I still love him?
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kate
158hi im 22 and have come to the conclusion that i have got stockholm syndrome my ex boyfriend of 5yr the father to my son purposely crashed the car we were in intending on killin us both because we split up he got on drugs but i moved on after 4month and found myself another boyfriend, he found out therefore tried to kill us both he didnt want to live and didnt want me 2 either none of us were seriously hurt thank god hes in prison at the moment and i go visit him once a month and we plan on startin a fresh when he gets out much to my families discust as they all hate him now this is why i think i have it because i can see why he would of wanted to do it, we broke up he lost his house job girlfriend son and car due to drugs and fell into deep depression but yet i was doin just fine and he couldnt handle it and didnt want me to be with any1 else,so although i see where my family is coming from i still love him when we were together the 5yr it was perfect and i know he wouldnt of done this if he hadnt been on drugs its my dad who said iv got this syndrome i just think im in love and understand my boyfriend more than any1 else i am the only person he has ever told about his abusive childhood in and out of abusive childrens homes, abusive foster parents(physical and mental) he isnt very close to is mum or dad, me and his son are all hes got, iv tried hatin him, thinkin of what could of happened in that crash but i just cant i love him to much can u try to explain this to me please thanks.kate..
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Kath159
Dr. Carver, It seem as if I have been waiting a very long time for my son to see that he is in an abusive relationship. He has recently lost his job.I fairly confident that I know how it played out. They instantly picked up and moved near his wife’s family. He no longer has contact with any of his friends and family and he is very angry and depressed. I have had some contact with their Pastor and I can see he believes my daughter in law is a victim also. Something has recently happened in their family that makes me wonder if she was not a victim at the hands of a family member. This family lives in a small community and for the most part own a large part of a county. They are very cult like and protective of each other. We know abusers have been abused. A family member of hers was recently arrested for attempting to solicit sex from a sixteen year old. Since that arrest it has come out that he has spent over $50,000 calling sex lines and has numerous contact with other prostitutes. Could this have an effect on her abusive behavior and her mistrust of everyone? It doesn’t explain what I see is a very strong attachement to a very distrubed family. Her pastor has even said he is “working with her.” I personally don’t believe her seeking help from her pastor will help save their marriage. I think is is nothing more than a desperate attempt to convince my son she wants to change to save their marriage. Is this a random act of kindness?
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Cathie Dethick
160Hi,
I have googled this subject for the first time.
I think I have suffered from this syndrome since I was a child, in one form or another.
Most of the relationships I am in suffer because I am replaying the symptoms of the syndrome.
I don’t really know any other way to be.
Maybe this is the start of something else.Cathie.
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