Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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145 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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130
Dear Kath: Controllers justify their hostile, nasty behavior with various excuses regarding what relatives did or didn’t do. If the relatives keep a healthy distance and “hang on loosely” - the present no target. As a result, since controllers are hostile and nasty by personality - the victim of the controller notices that when the targets go away - the nastiness remains. Exactly as you suspect, the controller must then create targets, drama, or problems to justify their continued hostile, nasty and controlling behavior. They start looking for a fight….
Here’s the bad part. That email was probably sent to your mother with the full understanding that YOU would respond. By responding you will now probably receive an email that tells you to mind your own business - that the email was to your mother, not you - that kind of thing. Keep in mind that controllers and abusers often have hidden and multiple agendas to their behavior. When we follow this current scheme - Your parents send cards with money -> Cards and money returned -> They receive an email that clearly states I’ve-got-a-job or I-don’t-need-your-money -> You spring to defend your parents and send a brief email to them. In short, it’s a set-up. I’ll bet my five bucks that you’ll get a nasty-gram within the next 30 days that will reference this chain of events. Maybe not…but I bet.
By the way, Return to Sender doesn’t provide any ammunition. By opening the cards and letters, the controller/abuser is looking for excuses to be angry. They look for anything to be angry about - money, references to the family, comments about them, etc. This is why I recommend a very polite card/letter that provides little ammunition to the abuser. The card does remind the controller/abuser that you are still “in the wings” and monitoring the situation. Now THAT bothers them.
Good luck with this situation and let me know when you get the nastygram. Dr. Carver
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Kath129
Dr. Carver,
I have followed your advice about holding on loosely. I have sent Christmas cards and recently a valentine card. My parents sent valentine cards with money in them and the cards where mailed back to them opened and the money returned. If they didn’t want the cards, would there be a reason to open them and then send them back? Wouldn’t be return to sender just be easier? I sent a card with nothing in it and it has not returned.
Recently my mother received an email that had been forwarded from my daughter in laws mother. To me it was very apparent it was done to dig at us that she had a job. The original email came from her work address, phone number, with her signature, title and email. I don’t know if this was done with my daughter in laws knowledge.
I responded 10 days later with a short email. I told my son that he chose for us not to have this information and we had respected their wishes. I told him that I trusted he would make sure this would not happen again. I explained that his grandmother was depressed and when she gets upset it makes his grandfather angry. I also told him I was always open for open healthy communication.
There has been no contact with them other than the cards and the email that responded to her mothers email. I have sent my grandson two books and I wonder if they will come back.
I don’t believe this email from her mother was an accident and I don’t believe she chose to send it to my mother in error. I personally thisk I scare her because I sent her one email and I don’t think she can handle that I am as strong as I am. My mother would be the easier target. I think it was an attempt to start up more trouble because they need and we have removed ourselves as their target. Could this be a good sign that they are desperate for somebody to blame and need to start up the drama we have removed ourselves from? If we don’t react she needs to focus on someone else?
Kath
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natalia128
Dr. Carver thanks a ton for your invaluable comments. They have done a lot to bolster my confidence. Because everytime I think of moving away I feel how can I go on without talking to him despite what he has done. And then I feel i ought to say sorry though its never my fault. I hate myself for this. Also in the past I have successfully moved away from him but after three months he sweet talked me back into it. And now am worried that after a few weeks of not talking to him he will again try to persuade me. One thing I have understood is that he needs me as am the only one who actually does not reproach him for anything or is rude with him. But also when he uses hurtful and hateful words when I confront him for his lies it really makes me believe that I am what he calls me. But your reply has made me realize a lot of things. I shall try to emotionally detach and not mess up my life further. There are loads of other people who think he is a prankster and tell me not to take his lies too seriously and that I am overreacting. And that he does not mean any harm. But these lies are of the worst kind and it really hurts me. Thanks again Dr. Carver. Your response is truly appreciated. ~Natalia
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127
Dear Bob: My opinion expressed in entry #104 remains the same. After many years of manipulations and lies, you now suddenly feel she might be telling the truth? She has found herself in a difficult position due to her antisocial and even criminal behavior and is now trying to save herself…not save you. She is attempting to overpower you with promises, sex, guilt, apologies, etc. If one strategy doesn’t work, she’ll switch strategies. If dirty talk, sex, and promises don’t work - she’ll go to rehab, go to church, etc.
Part of your attraction back to the quicksand is probably the instability of your own situation. As you describe, you don’t have much joy, fun, or interest in your life and she’s certainly willing to provide that - in exchange for her demands. My recommendation would be to focus on your children, improve your living situation, and remain detached. Keep in mind that she has never exhibited any concern for how her behaviors have ruined your life, your finances, or your emotional health. She has engaged in criminal behaviors that placed your son in legal difficulties - yet still wants to talk dirty talk to you. #104 still stands for me. Dr. Carver
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126
Dear Ruth: Your daughter is actually more clinically depressed than “in love”. She is showing signs of a clinical depression. Depression is created by severe stress and is related to low levels of the neurotransmitter Serotonin (see my article on Chemical Imbalance at http://www.drjoecarver.com). Low Serotonin is also linked with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Anorexia, and several other problems. A relatively high percentage of depressed folks develop OCD symptoms such as obsessive thoughts, rituals, preoccupations, and even self-damaging acts. Like a moth drawn to a flame, she has become obsessed with her ex. This is how we get ex’s who stalk and develop bizarre fantasies about their ex sweetheart.
Look for signs of depression. She’ll have problems sleeping, eating, have no energy, no motivation (other than the obsession), poor concentration, etc. She’ll be socially withdrawn and will refuse to do anything that might improve her life in her hometown. She will be VERY bitter, hostile, moody and disruptive. Stockholm Syndrome features, as in this case, are amplified and intensified by her depression.
Counseling will be ineffective if the therapist doesn’t see the evidence of depression and changes in her neurochemistry. The counselor is likely to be focusing on the obvious complaints related to the relationship. Take a few depression tests, answering as though she were reporting, and you’ll see the depression. Your daughter needs a combination of therapy and probably antidepressant medication to combat the depression and OCD features. One way of encouraging treatment is to focus on the highly uncomfortable symptoms of depression - the dramatic mood swings, the sleep problems, etc. Family physicians or OB/GYNs can quickly recognize the depression with these symptoms.
As a parent, or desparate Mom, focus on your daughter’s feeling state - not her comments about the boyfriend. The boyfriend has recognized her as a liability which is why he’s keeping his distance. Abusers are totally selfish and don’t want the emotional drama unless THEY are creating it. Focus on her moods, her distress, and help for those issues. Assure her that she can’t maintain a healthy relationship if she’s crying, can’t sleep, worries all the time, etc. She can’t see these features because her brain is going 100 mph/160 kph. This is why she’s so unreasonable.
Focus on getting her to feel better and she’ll then make better decisions about the long-distance abusive boyfriend. Dr. Carver
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125
Dear Natalia: Your friend/boyfriend of these many years is a manipulator and conartist. He verbally abuses you for bringing his infidelity, lies, and games to his attention. You are better off to detach and keep your emotional distance.
This is not to say an emotional bond doesn’t exist. Our “first” anything creates a bond, in may cases, an emotional bond. We always have fond memories of our first sweetheart, automobile, etc. Those memories are based on Emotional Memory (see article on this website). However, we often need to protect ourselves from our emotional memories as they can be very misleading. I have fond memories of my first automobile, but I now realize it was a bucket of bolts held together by duct-tape and wires. You’ve now discovered that your long-standing partner has serious personality and behavioral problems that are dangerous to your life. It’s time to recognize that you need to move on. You’ll also need to buy a new automobile eventually, recognize that many things you had fond memories of as a young adult might not be good for you later, and leave your past to improve your future.
Leaving toxic friends behind is part of life. Some folks can’t mature, won’t mature, or continue to treat people poorly. When this happens, we need to leave them and continue with our healthy life. We can still remember those fond memories, but with a recognition that we can’t and don’t live that way anymore. I fondly remember using pieces of ripped maps when I traveled, but I smile and remember those days while using my automobile GPS system. Dr. Carver
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124
Dear Bruhvic,
I’m not aware of any websites that have testimonials or video clips from victims of abuse or controlling relationships. I would recommend using the technique used by video documentaries of World War II or other past events - having actors read/act the contributions written by victims of abusive partners. This website has over 300 entries from victims of controlling, abusive, and emotionally damaging individuals. Video historians use actors to express what has been written in letters of the time. You might be able to do the same. The letters are here….. Additional victim storie are available on the Identifying Losers blog, also on this website.
Dr. Carver
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123
Dear Amina:
He has you trapped by guilt and need. I’d recommend reading my Loser article on this website and prepare an exit plan. You can’t detach over an incident because his reaction is always too strong for you. Your self-esteem isn’t high enough to withstand his guilt attack. Keep in mind, while you feel he is your best friend, he clearly doesn’t treat you as a best friend. He sees you as something else. As we find in most abusers and controllers, he has aggressive reactions when his immediate needs are not met. Being his friend and loving him doesn’t protect you any more than loving fish protects you in a shark tank.
Don’t confuse “intimate” chemistry with emotional connections or true love. His chemistry is clearly different than yours, placing you in a dangerous position.
This is a toxic relationship for you.
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Bob122
Hi Dr. Carver,
You replied to my post #104 back in November. I filed for divorce prior to that, but am in total limbo. I ran as fast as I could when I found out my wife used my 18 year old sons checking account (that she supposedly closed for him), bouncing 44 checks with bank fees alone totalling $1,750.00. He could have been arrested for something he had no idea what was going on! She says she has hit rock bottom and is a new person now. She says she realizes what she has done and why she did it. She constantly sends me texts. Starting with enticing dirty sex talk to get me back, then pictures. I had sex with her many times. She is doing things she never did before. I told her she is only trying to get me back through sex and she said no. I can’t resist it however. Here I am trying to make a life chnaging decision and I am letting her get to me. I really think I filed for divorce because of the damage she has caused and is capable of doing to me financially. On the other hand, I dont think I could go through with it. I feel sorry for her and actually pitty her. I can’t crush my kids, and I will be financially better off married (unless she does not live up to her “I’m all better” theory. I shake at the thought of going back. I could whenever I want, She wants me back, but for some reason I’m not. Time is ticking however, because the divorce proceedings are getting closer. Maybe I like my independence I have gained since moving out on Labor Day. (Actually she threw me out and told me to come back one week later). I dont do anything other than go to work, come back to my mothers and go in her basement office I set up. I see my kids in the morning because I pick them up for school. My little one sleeps over on the weekends. The others are older and want to play with their friends. (kids ages 18, 17, 14, 10). I am really messed up. No one will tell me what to do and I realize I need to amke that decision myself. I’m going to a Psychiatrist to try and get me head focused in the right direction to make that decision ans STICK with it, but it’s not working. I care about her. We have dated for 5 years and been married for nearly 20 years. We grew up together from 19 years old to 44. BUT she has lied and deceived me about money the whole time. I can’t put that behind me. The lack of trust in that area has made me think bad things she has done in other areas. Maybe not true but how do I know. Do I take her word for it that she has not fooled around? How could I believe her. I’m from the school, once a liar, always a liar. I cant explain why Im ojut to the kids. It is very, very hard. But I need to make a decision to move on with my life, one way or the other. Please give me your honest professioanl opinion. If you need more info. please respond. Thanks -
Ruth121
Dear Dr. Carver,
My 19 year old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for 2 years. She has broken up with him several times and now lives at home. He is 1000 miles away and she keeps calling him and re-starting the relationship. I can see that she has both Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance. She keeps thinking that she can fix it or he will change. She breaks it off, then she contacts him, he starts talking to her again, he gets verbally abusive, she can’t take it anymore and the cycle starts all over again. How can we help her break it off for good. This has gone on like this for 2 years. She can’t have a normal relationship with other guys because she still loves him. He does not initiate the contact after she has broken it off, she always does. She can only go a few days before she starts trying to figure out how to make the relationship work. Thankfully she is here and he is there and she won’t move to where he is, but it is driving us crazy. Her mood swings are so hard to deal with. You can tell immediately by her voice and demeanor that she has started talking to him again. She tried counseling, but she didn’t see a need to keep it up. I am ready to put her on a bus and send her to him. She treats us so unkind when she is back together with him. I can’t focus on my own life! I wouldn’t put up with her behavior if I didn’t truly believe she has been brainwashed in a way and can’t find her true self, the person she was before she met him. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
Desparate Mom
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