“The Mystery of Loving an Abuser” Comments, Page 13
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174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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121
Dear Amina:
He has you trapped by guilt and need. I’d recommend reading my Loser article on this website and prepare an exit plan. You can’t detach over an incident because his reaction is always too strong for you. Your self-esteem isn’t high enough to withstand his guilt attack. Keep in mind, while you feel he is your best friend, he clearly doesn’t treat you as a best friend. He sees you as something else. As we find in most abusers and controllers, he has aggressive reactions when his immediate needs are not met. Being his friend and loving him doesn’t protect you any more than loving fish protects you in a shark tank.
Don’t confuse “intimate” chemistry with emotional connections or true love. His chemistry is clearly different than yours, placing you in a dangerous position.
This is a toxic relationship for you.
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122
Dear Bruhvic,
I’m not aware of any websites that have testimonials or video clips from victims of abuse or controlling relationships. I would recommend using the technique used by video documentaries of World War II or other past events – having actors read/act the contributions written by victims of abusive partners. This website has over 300 entries from victims of controlling, abusive, and emotionally damaging individuals. Video historians use actors to express what has been written in letters of the time. You might be able to do the same. The letters are here….. Additional victim storie are available on the Identifying Losers blog, also on this website.
Dr. Carver
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123
Dear Natalia: Your friend/boyfriend of these many years is a manipulator and conartist. He verbally abuses you for bringing his infidelity, lies, and games to his attention. You are better off to detach and keep your emotional distance.
This is not to say an emotional bond doesn’t exist. Our “first” anything creates a bond, in may cases, an emotional bond. We always have fond memories of our first sweetheart, automobile, etc. Those memories are based on Emotional Memory (see article on this website). However, we often need to protect ourselves from our emotional memories as they can be very misleading. I have fond memories of my first automobile, but I now realize it was a bucket of bolts held together by duct-tape and wires. You’ve now discovered that your long-standing partner has serious personality and behavioral problems that are dangerous to your life. It’s time to recognize that you need to move on. You’ll also need to buy a new automobile eventually, recognize that many things you had fond memories of as a young adult might not be good for you later, and leave your past to improve your future.
Leaving toxic friends behind is part of life. Some folks can’t mature, won’t mature, or continue to treat people poorly. When this happens, we need to leave them and continue with our healthy life. We can still remember those fond memories, but with a recognition that we can’t and don’t live that way anymore. I fondly remember using pieces of ripped maps when I traveled, but I smile and remember those days while using my automobile GPS system. Dr. Carver
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124
Dear Ruth: Your daughter is actually more clinically depressed than “in love”. She is showing signs of a clinical depression. Depression is created by severe stress and is related to low levels of the neurotransmitter Serotonin (see my article on Chemical Imbalance at http://www.drjoecarver.com). Low Serotonin is also linked with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Anorexia, and several other problems. A relatively high percentage of depressed folks develop OCD symptoms such as obsessive thoughts, rituals, preoccupations, and even self-damaging acts. Like a moth drawn to a flame, she has become obsessed with her ex. This is how we get ex’s who stalk and develop bizarre fantasies about their ex sweetheart.
Look for signs of depression. She’ll have problems sleeping, eating, have no energy, no motivation (other than the obsession), poor concentration, etc. She’ll be socially withdrawn and will refuse to do anything that might improve her life in her hometown. She will be VERY bitter, hostile, moody and disruptive. Stockholm Syndrome features, as in this case, are amplified and intensified by her depression.
Counseling will be ineffective if the therapist doesn’t see the evidence of depression and changes in her neurochemistry. The counselor is likely to be focusing on the obvious complaints related to the relationship. Take a few depression tests, answering as though she were reporting, and you’ll see the depression. Your daughter needs a combination of therapy and probably antidepressant medication to combat the depression and OCD features. One way of encouraging treatment is to focus on the highly uncomfortable symptoms of depression – the dramatic mood swings, the sleep problems, etc. Family physicians or OB/GYNs can quickly recognize the depression with these symptoms.
As a parent, or desparate Mom, focus on your daughter’s feeling state – not her comments about the boyfriend. The boyfriend has recognized her as a liability which is why he’s keeping his distance. Abusers are totally selfish and don’t want the emotional drama unless THEY are creating it. Focus on her moods, her distress, and help for those issues. Assure her that she can’t maintain a healthy relationship if she’s crying, can’t sleep, worries all the time, etc. She can’t see these features because her brain is going 100 mph/160 kph. This is why she’s so unreasonable.
Focus on getting her to feel better and she’ll then make better decisions about the long-distance abusive boyfriend. Dr. Carver
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125
Dear Bob: My opinion expressed in entry #104 remains the same. After many years of manipulations and lies, you now suddenly feel she might be telling the truth? She has found herself in a difficult position due to her antisocial and even criminal behavior and is now trying to save herself…not save you. She is attempting to overpower you with promises, sex, guilt, apologies, etc. If one strategy doesn’t work, she’ll switch strategies. If dirty talk, sex, and promises don’t work – she’ll go to rehab, go to church, etc.
Part of your attraction back to the quicksand is probably the instability of your own situation. As you describe, you don’t have much joy, fun, or interest in your life and she’s certainly willing to provide that – in exchange for her demands. My recommendation would be to focus on your children, improve your living situation, and remain detached. Keep in mind that she has never exhibited any concern for how her behaviors have ruined your life, your finances, or your emotional health. She has engaged in criminal behaviors that placed your son in legal difficulties – yet still wants to talk dirty talk to you. #104 still stands for me. Dr. Carver
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natalia
126Dr. Carver thanks a ton for your invaluable comments. They have done a lot to bolster my confidence. Because everytime I think of moving away I feel how can I go on without talking to him despite what he has done. And then I feel i ought to say sorry though its never my fault. I hate myself for this. Also in the past I have successfully moved away from him but after three months he sweet talked me back into it. And now am worried that after a few weeks of not talking to him he will again try to persuade me. One thing I have understood is that he needs me as am the only one who actually does not reproach him for anything or is rude with him. But also when he uses hurtful and hateful words when I confront him for his lies it really makes me believe that I am what he calls me. But your reply has made me realize a lot of things. I shall try to emotionally detach and not mess up my life further. There are loads of other people who think he is a prankster and tell me not to take his lies too seriously and that I am overreacting. And that he does not mean any harm. But these lies are of the worst kind and it really hurts me. Thanks again Dr. Carver. Your response is truly appreciated. ~Natalia
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Kath
127Dr. Carver,
I have followed your advice about holding on loosely. I have sent Christmas cards and recently a valentine card. My parents sent valentine cards with money in them and the cards where mailed back to them opened and the money returned. If they didn’t want the cards, would there be a reason to open them and then send them back? Wouldn’t be return to sender just be easier? I sent a card with nothing in it and it has not returned.
Recently my mother received an email that had been forwarded from my daughter in laws mother. To me it was very apparent it was done to dig at us that she had a job. The original email came from her work address, phone number, with her signature, title and email. I don’t know if this was done with my daughter in laws knowledge.
I responded 10 days later with a short email. I told my son that he chose for us not to have this information and we had respected their wishes. I told him that I trusted he would make sure this would not happen again. I explained that his grandmother was depressed and when she gets upset it makes his grandfather angry. I also told him I was always open for open healthy communication.
There has been no contact with them other than the cards and the email that responded to her mothers email. I have sent my grandson two books and I wonder if they will come back.
I don’t believe this email from her mother was an accident and I don’t believe she chose to send it to my mother in error. I personally thisk I scare her because I sent her one email and I don’t think she can handle that I am as strong as I am. My mother would be the easier target. I think it was an attempt to start up more trouble because they need and we have removed ourselves as their target. Could this be a good sign that they are desperate for somebody to blame and need to start up the drama we have removed ourselves from? If we don’t react she needs to focus on someone else?
Kath
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128
Dear Kath: Controllers justify their hostile, nasty behavior with various excuses regarding what relatives did or didn’t do. If the relatives keep a healthy distance and “hang on loosely” – the present no target. As a result, since controllers are hostile and nasty by personality – the victim of the controller notices that when the targets go away – the nastiness remains. Exactly as you suspect, the controller must then create targets, drama, or problems to justify their continued hostile, nasty and controlling behavior. They start looking for a fight….
Here’s the bad part. That email was probably sent to your mother with the full understanding that YOU would respond. By responding you will now probably receive an email that tells you to mind your own business – that the email was to your mother, not you – that kind of thing. Keep in mind that controllers and abusers often have hidden and multiple agendas to their behavior. When we follow this current scheme – Your parents send cards with money -> Cards and money returned -> They receive an email that clearly states I’ve-got-a-job or I-don’t-need-your-money -> You spring to defend your parents and send a brief email to them. In short, it’s a set-up. I’ll bet my five bucks that you’ll get a nasty-gram within the next 30 days that will reference this chain of events. Maybe not…but I bet.
By the way, Return to Sender doesn’t provide any ammunition. By opening the cards and letters, the controller/abuser is looking for excuses to be angry. They look for anything to be angry about – money, references to the family, comments about them, etc. This is why I recommend a very polite card/letter that provides little ammunition to the abuser. The card does remind the controller/abuser that you are still “in the wings” and monitoring the situation. Now THAT bothers them.
Good luck with this situation and let me know when you get the nastygram. Dr. Carver
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Kath129
Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your insight. Since my email to my son I had actually hoped he would be angry with his mother in law for sharing the information about my daughter in laws job and a few email addresses I know he did not want me to have. And I hoped my daughter in law didn’t have a clue about her mothers behavior. A little breakdown in that situation couldn’t hurt me. I thought she provided us with the information so we would try to contact her there. I will not give her the satisfaction. If she quits this job I don’t want anyone coming back at me and said it was because I called her at work. She hasn’t kept a job since I have known her and I am sure she will take care of this one too.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and waiting it out has not been easy. I refuse to be the target.
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Kath130
Dr. Carver,
I did not receive the nasty gram and don’t think I will. The reason I don’t believe I will is; because I told my son that we have respected their wishes and I trusted that he would make sure information “he” chose not to share with us did not get passed on. Even if his mother law claims it was an accident, that “accident” won’t be so easy to make again. If they can’t have that “accident” again they will have to find another scapegoat. Even he knows not to argue that point with me. He knows he would lose.
What I did get is the books I sent to my Grandson. And the valentine that I sent to all of them. What I find the most interesting is; this was not addressed in my handwritting and it had no return address. When I pulled it out of the mailbox it was very apparent that it had been not so carefully open and then glued shut. They slapped a label on it and sent it back refused. The card said, “like or not we are family.” and I like you. Then it played “We are Family.” They must be very smart to know that card was from me without opening it.
What I didn’t share with you from my post in November when my son came to my home to get his things was this: He left there after his grandfather grabbed him by the collar and asked him what we ever did to him. He would not answer, got in his truck and said, “Love my family and I’ll love you.” This is why I chose that particular card.
Please correct me if I am wrong, but what I interperted from your last post is: They have noticed we are not around and she needs to find a reason to continue with her nasty behavior. Is she trying to get a reaction by this and once again dragging us in to their drama? I sent them a fruit basket at Christmas and they sent it back. The fruit was really good too. I did not acknowledge their behavior then and I will not acknowledge it now. I may send the books to their church and donate them in my grandsons name.
If I don’t react, will they try to keep stirring the pot? I am sending my grandson cards and gifts on the advise of an attorney and don’t want to stop doing that. And if I continue not to react will they give up on me and fight with each other or will she look for someone else.
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