174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”

1. 

   shelly

   111

   23rd December 2007

   okay dr.carver
   my question is in using stockholm syndrome as a defense. a family that i know well has unforuntely become involed in the murder of a child. my understanding of stockhom syndrome is that it takes months if not years to pentrate through denial of the victim. i would like to know if i am correct before i am able to offer support to one of the parties involved in this case. COULD YOU PLEASE SEND A REPLY TO MY EMAIL. THE INFORMATION I AM READING DOES COVER THIS AND I AM REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THIS. THANK YOU
2. 

   Josh

   112

   24th December 2007

   Dear Dr. Carver,

   Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and this one feels like quite a gift. My girlfriend, though still affected with stockholm syndrome after a 20-plus year marriage to an incredible abuser did sign separation papers, bought a new home, and has now been living there for a month. There are bumps with custody (he kept the family home, which the kids love)and she still “defends” him sometimes, or cliams to be free of him and her “sickness,” when she is not. But she is much, much better. She’s joined me in therapy and that has helped to show her how great a victim she has been…and remains. In a few days,though, with her permission, I will be calling her husband–who knows my name and that she and I have had an affair. (of course, he hates me and sees me as the man who stole his wife/victim). I need to have this contact with him, feel him out, etc., before I meet his and her children. Otheriwse, he would probably freak out and she would give in, keeping me from meeting them until she could “calm him down.” My purpose in opening communication with this man, ultimately, is to let this abuser know that his abuses are known and that abuses from this point forward will also be known. My contention has always been this: Only by exposing the abuser will the abuser ever stop his abuse. In short order, if things go well, I will be calling him each and every time he abuses my girlfriend verbally and I will politely request an end to this. I will continue to request an end to this, until his barrage of abuses cease. At some point, if they do not cease, I intend to expose him to HIS family (he’s afraid of his mommy and not getting his mommy’s money some day)-and so that would be some leverage, down the road, if necessary. I will also be meeting him in person, as soon as possible, in order to present a gentleman who is a true partner with his former wife and victim. I will avoid all forms of aggression, but I will clearly communicate that this is a woman who is not alone, not unprotected, and no longer his victim. In other words, his secret will be a secret no more.
   Just this, I think, letting him know that there is one other person who knows the sick secrets of his abuse will lessen that abuse–or even, over time, end it. What do you think? And do you have any advice for me about how I should best make my approaches to this sick man?

   Thanks,
   Josh
3. 

   Joseph M Carver Ph.D.

   113

   24th December 2007

   Dear Shelly: Let’s start this reply by stating that I’m not an attorney. Based on my experience however, Stockholm Syndrome (SS) as a legal defense has been used in the Patty Hearst case in the 1970′s – unsuccessfully. While SS explains why an individual may participate in a crime, especially when their partner is violent and intimidating, the “why” and excuse for a crime is a matter for the judge/court to decide. James Q. Wilson says it best: “Social Sciences is to explain – Courts are to judge”. The courts see the situation frequently when children are killed by a violent parent while the other parent fails to protect or even seek treatment for injured child. The SS weaker parent is also charged with the murder or a lesser crime.

   I would imagine that one issue is legal competency. While we can be found “not guilty by reason of insanity” – the court is unlikely to find us “not guilty by reason of intimidation”. The person with Stockholm Syndrome knows the actions are criminal – they have just made a lot of excuses to participate in the events. Partners of criminal adults are frequently involved in criminal acts such as assaults, drug traffic, theft/robbery, etc. While these noncriminal partners may be intimidated or even fear for their own lives or that of their children, the courts will rarely feel the situation excuses criminal behavior or participation.

   Stockholm Syndrome may be part of a legal defense or plea bargain. Social Sciences may explain why Patty Hearst ended up robbing a bank and thus prompt the courts to be more understanding of her participation in the criminal event. SS in this way might be used as a type of “diminished capacity” legal defense…that the individual would not have normally done the criminal act were it not for the strong influence and control of the intimidating partner.

   The denial involved with Stockholm Syndrome can last years. It’s often related to how long the victim was in captivity or under the control of the abuser. After a four-day hostage situation the denial phase may last only a few months as the person rethinks what happened to them. If we are involved in a prolonged period of abuse/control such as a concentration camp, abusive marriage, etc. – the denial period may last several years.

   In dealing with a victim of SS, provide them with consistent, reality-based support. Remember that they have been viewing their universe through the eyes and attitudes of their captor. Making them aware of the real world again will take time. However, as they begin to rethink their behavior and situation, your consistent support about the real world – not the captor’s world – will provide puzzle parts as their reassemble their life. Hope this is helpful.
4. 

   Michael Wolff

   114

   29th December 2007

   Hello. My name is Michael Wolff. I have what I believe is a variant of Stockholm Syndrome. This may take a while, because there is a complicated background to this case. It may even sound silly, so please suspend your disbelief and let me finish my note before commenting.

   I was born with cerebral palsy. I was stuck in the womb and was deprived of air for a few minutes. The brain damage atrophied the cells responsible for the maniuplation and use of my left side.

   I have always been an atheist. I do not see the reason why God would purposefully make me a cripple, and besides, when one boils down to it, God does not hold any superiority. The Egyptian god Ra had creation powers. Zeus was known for acting in secret and through people. Basically, anything God can do, other gods can do.

   I mention God because it is the crux of my problem. In senior year of college I roomed with three born-again Christians. I got involved in an argument that ended in the roommate used his physical presence to intimdate me.

   Afterwards I began to feel guilt. I was the one who started the fight. I began to grow attached to the roommate, thinking of ways I could be more agreeable. This thought process continuted until I “realized” God had planned this all along. God became suddenly real. And here I was, spitting in the face of my “creator,” while all He wanted for me is love and happiness.

   I fought this. I take anti-depression pills. My relapses manifest themselves in feeling guilt, like someone is watching me. Another form of the relapse is an after-thought. Any decision I make has to be followed with God’s approval for the plan (agreeing with everything because He “loves” everything). My affirmations include comparsion to other gods (Zeus could have sent the bus at 9:50. So could Ra and Odin and others). There’s always a bit of guilt, like I need God’s approval to deny that He exists.

   I want that piece of guilt gone. I am ready for suggestions: doctors, support groups, anything to help.
5. 

   Eric Fairfield

   115

   30th December 2007

   For Michael,
   I believe in G-d. The G-d that I believe in seems to differ from the one that you believe in. Mine expects me to handle difficulties as well as I can at all times. I believe that I will be rewarded for trying.

   At one point, I asked a preacher, who had been talking about “God’s plan,” what God’s plan was. There was a lot of silence.

   At another point, I tried to figure out a tiny part of God’s plan. I created a plan for me, then one for me and my daughter, then one that included a few friends and colleagues. As I added more people, I could no longer understand what the plan might be.

   So, now, I give people to God so that he/she/it can deal with them and I no longer have to. This has been liberating. Jerks in my past or present have lost their control over me.

   The approach above does not depend on believing in a ‘Christian God.’ It seems to work no matter the nature of the entity to whom you give the problem.

   I am sorry for your pain and hope that the suggestion helps (Or the improved suggestions that others will post).

   2. Thanks for the clear discussion of Stockholm Syndrome. I am living in a town that seems to be showing these signs. Now I know, a bit better, what I should do or not do.
6. 

   amina

   116

   13th February 2008

   dear dr. carver

   i have been dating a man for nearly a decade, and i am deeply in love with this man. i’m a psychology major and i’ve begun to realize how unhealthy our relationship really is. i know he exhibits some of the characteristics of an abuser but i keep making excuses for him and feel like i owe it to him somehow to put up with his behavior. he has been there for me financially throughout the years and sometimes he makes me feel guilty about it. he does not realize how abusive he can be. he enjoys mocking me at times and saying hurtful things to get back at me for things that i say that may unexpectedly irritate him. i always feel like i need to be careful with what i say to him and sometimes i have to choose my words very carefully so i don’t upset him. if i try to end the relationship he suddenly becomes sweet and says all the right things but instantly transforms into a cynical, cruel monster once i give in. i’m terrified of living without him and i’m very needy towards him. he is my best and maybe only friend i have. when i ask him to get counseling together he refuses unless he’s desperate but never really goes. he made me cancel an appointment because he wanted us to go on a trip. he made me feel very guilty for making the appointment on the same day he wanted us to go. my question to you is what do i do? right now he broke up with me because i tried to explain his symptoms nicely and how he can improve our relationship by making some subtle changes. he overreacts and is totally unreasonable. but i don’t know how to let him go. we have so much chemistry and he is like family to me.
7. 

   bruhvic

   117

   18th February 2008

   Dr. Carver,
   I am a playwrite and I was very enlightened at a church service when the District Attorney of Fulton county (Alanta Ga.) visited and launch a campaign to stop “teen abusive relationships.” I have attacked this problem in the form of a play. Are there any websites that have videos that I might hear verbal testimonies? Thanks for your help.
8. 

   natalia

   118

   18th February 2008

   Hi Dr. Carver. am 27 years old. I was going around with my best friend of 8 years and was very serious about him. One day I got to know that he was two timing me with my other good friend. I felt shattered. I also got to know that he had gotten physical with her. When confronted though he made it seem like he was an innocent pawn. I forgave him for it and we resumed our relationship but still i kept coming to know of his infidilities with my friend. Till date he keeps denying it. I just could not trust him though and this eventually made me break away from him and I did find someone else. He took this very badly and started blackmailing that he is going to kill himself and that he cannot live without me. Life was hell and eventually because of all this i broke up from the other guy too. time passed and things got back to normal and me and my friend continued being friends. But he could not bear it that other guys in my life were also my friends. He started calling me all kinds of names like cheap, a flirt etc though he knew they were just friends of mine. He used to put down every guy friend. Recently I got to know that he was lying about a lot of things though he had promised me to never break my trust again as a friend. I was very shattered and when I confronted him he made me look like the guilty one saying that I believed everyone else over him and hence he lost his respect for me. The fact is that I have proof that he lied to me but yet he denies it. Things like this have happend repeatedly and now I do not know if I should talk to him or confront him or just stay away even if he tried to talk to me again. One, he was my first love and somewhere I still care for him, two he was my best friend for eight years and three we have the same circle of friends so its inevitable that I meet him. he admits that I have done lot of things for him and have supported him always. but he often says such hateful things that shatter me. I seem to be having an emotional bond with him even though he has given me nothing but pain. Plz help.
9. 

   Ruth

   119

   18th February 2008

   Dear Dr. Carver,
   My 19 year old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for 2 years. She has broken up with him several times and now lives at home. He is 1000 miles away and she keeps calling him and re-starting the relationship. I can see that she has both Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance. She keeps thinking that she can fix it or he will change. She breaks it off, then she contacts him, he starts talking to her again, he gets verbally abusive, she can’t take it anymore and the cycle starts all over again. How can we help her break it off for good. This has gone on like this for 2 years. She can’t have a normal relationship with other guys because she still loves him. He does not initiate the contact after she has broken it off, she always does. She can only go a few days before she starts trying to figure out how to make the relationship work. Thankfully she is here and he is there and she won’t move to where he is, but it is driving us crazy. Her mood swings are so hard to deal with. You can tell immediately by her voice and demeanor that she has started talking to him again. She tried counseling, but she didn’t see a need to keep it up. I am ready to put her on a bus and send her to him. She treats us so unkind when she is back together with him. I can’t focus on my own life! I wouldn’t put up with her behavior if I didn’t truly believe she has been brainwashed in a way and can’t find her true self, the person she was before she met him. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
   Desparate Mom
10. 

    Bob

    120

    19th February 2008

    Hi Dr. Carver,
    You replied to my post #104 back in November. I filed for divorce prior to that, but am in total limbo. I ran as fast as I could when I found out my wife used my 18 year old sons checking account (that she supposedly closed for him), bouncing 44 checks with bank fees alone totalling $1,750.00. He could have been arrested for something he had no idea what was going on! She says she has hit rock bottom and is a new person now. She says she realizes what she has done and why she did it. She constantly sends me texts. Starting with enticing dirty sex talk to get me back, then pictures. I had sex with her many times. She is doing things she never did before. I told her she is only trying to get me back through sex and she said no. I can’t resist it however. Here I am trying to make a life chnaging decision and I am letting her get to me. I really think I filed for divorce because of the damage she has caused and is capable of doing to me financially. On the other hand, I dont think I could go through with it. I feel sorry for her and actually pitty her. I can’t crush my kids, and I will be financially better off married (unless she does not live up to her “I’m all better” theory. I shake at the thought of going back. I could whenever I want, She wants me back, but for some reason I’m not. Time is ticking however, because the divorce proceedings are getting closer. Maybe I like my independence I have gained since moving out on Labor Day. (Actually she threw me out and told me to come back one week later). I dont do anything other than go to work, come back to my mothers and go in her basement office I set up. I see my kids in the morning because I pick them up for school. My little one sleeps over on the weekends. The others are older and want to play with their friends. (kids ages 18, 17, 14, 10). I am really messed up. No one will tell me what to do and I realize I need to amke that decision myself. I’m going to a Psychiatrist to try and get me head focused in the right direction to make that decision ans STICK with it, but it’s not working. I care about her. We have dated for 5 years and been married for nearly 20 years. We grew up together from 19 years old to 44. BUT she has lied and deceived me about money the whole time. I can’t put that behind me. The lack of trust in that area has made me think bad things she has done in other areas. Maybe not true but how do I know. Do I take her word for it that she has not fooled around? How could I believe her. I’m from the school, once a liar, always a liar. I cant explain why Im ojut to the kids. It is very, very hard. But I need to make a decision to move on with my life, one way or the other. Please give me your honest professioanl opinion. If you need more info. please respond. Thanks

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