Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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144 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Kath110
Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your insight. It was helpful. I would like to share other things that may contribute to this situation and get your input on how they affect my son. I understand that his wife is threatened by me and my family, but what I don’t understand is why she likes my exhusband. He abandoned my son when he was 3, moved back when he was 15 and left again without a word to my son. There was a time that my son would not even consider talking to his father. However, know that his wife likes him, he’s great. His wife has told me that she likes him because he gives them money. She has also told me everything I have heard from every skirt he was with since my son was three. My exhusband was abusive to me for years. He did eveything he could not to pay child support and that ended with his arrest when my son was 25. My son was furious and I can only assume it was because his dad wasn’t delivering a check to his wife. I am sure they were short of cash.
I know a manipulator when I see one. I also know when someone will not take responsiblity for their onwn behavior. I also know when I’ve been treated badly. I don’t understand how my daughter-inlaw can believe I have treated her badly or even attempted to control her life. I won’t say I was perfect because I was not. I did not like when they scheduled my grandsons baptism because it was at a time most of my family could not come because of a preplanned trip. She also mailed out birthday invitations for my grandsons first birthday without postage to my entire family. When I emailed (becausse she will not answer her phone when I call she told me the invitations where in the mail. We got them two days before the party. Wouldn’t it make sense to email back the plans? I thought it was an attempt to manipulate not to come. This was during my son’s leave between training and leaving for Iraq. My exhusband spent days with him at that time and apparently his invites arrived on time. He had to drive 1000 mile to get there. At that party, my exhusband was treated like a king, she didn’t say one word to us. My son on the other hand was very attentive.
Does he understand this is wrong?
She also tried to keep us away from my son’s send off at the Armory. My son had told his grandfather the truth two weeks before she stood in my sister living room and lied to my family. He stood behind her with the deer in the headlight look. We found out about by chance and went anyway. I didn’t care if she was upset. I was upset too.
Can I believe it when he told me he loved me before he left for Iraq? Even when I didn’t hear from him except to tell us not to visit when he came home for his. His wife was having surgery and he didn’t want to upset her.
He did call and we were granted a three hour visit. It took me about two minutes to realize it wasn’t company she was uspet about, it was us company.I also hoped being Iraq and away from her, he could see what was going on. How did that make him worse? I didn’t email him because it was not private. He never acknowledged a package and I think it was because she is always watching.
Does he really think torturing his family like that is okay? I want to understand. Kath
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Josh109
Dear Dr. Carver,
I’ve written before and said I’ve fled the sinking ship of my lover, a victim of this syndrome, but I didn’t swim off, I swam back. In four days time, she moves into her new home, away from her abuser, and I am hoping that, over time, she will lose the addiction to him which, I must admit, she still has. His “small acts of kindess” almost had her agree to let him help her move her things into the new place, the night before our first night there. It’s so painful to be with her, but I do love her and God, how I hope this illness will leave her. I’m thinking that as soon as she and I can become a public couple–public to him–it will help. (We have been involved in an affair for a year till now.) She’s legally separated, moving to her own home this weekend, and has already had a few public dates with me. And she DOES love me; of that, I’m sure–she just can’ty stop letting him abuse her, direct her, trick her, use her, insult her, etc. What can I, her boyfriend, do from this point forward to influence her to finally break free of her abuser’s manipulations and control–and what can I say to him (in front of her) that will hopefully deter him from continuing his domination? Her addiction, submission and delusions to and about him are still so mind-blowing. I do know EVERYTHING about him and have irrefutable evidence-probably enough to turn his own son against him, which I won’t do. But I could blow this man away with I know about him. Will it help her to tell him I know these things?
Will that make him hesitate? What does a man in my position do? I want her with all my heart. I haven’t been able to leave her, no matter how great her submissions to him, and I want her to some day be free. I want to marry her some day. I pray constantly God will heal her, but that hasn’t happened yet. What atittudes, words, actions can I render to her, and to him, that might turn the tide? Thank you again. -
108
Dear Kath: When we think of Stockholm Syndrome (SS), we normally think of a violent, intimidating hostage situation. Males tend to create a SS using physical violence and intimidation. Females tend to use manipulation, guilt, and even physical illness. The bottomline is still the same - the victim is being controlled by the behaviors of the captor. In SS cases, the captor (his wife in this situation) makes a strong attempt to separate the victim from family, friends, and any sources of support. Once isolated, the brainwashing begins. Many of the techniques used by Abusers/Captors are outlined in my article entitled Identifying Losers in Relationships - available on this website.
In such situations, I recommend the strategies I’ve organized in my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. Strong interventions on your part will only increase her desire to separate you from your son, feeling you are a threat.
The extent to which she will manipulate is demonstrated in your son’s last contact. He announces he’s coming home to pick up some things…on the way there she calls to announce she’s going to have surgery (That Day!)…ruining any chances of a normal family conversation. She then calls to assure that he’s gotten the message and will be leaving your home. This is a classic example of the theatrical drama used by a female manipulator. Other ploys are “spells” of various kinds, mystery illnesses, fake pregnancies, etc.
What to do??? These captors/manipulators are often considered “personality disorders” in mental health work. As a personality disorder, these folks are extremely difficult to work with as they tend to be totally self-absorbed, never accept responsibility, manipulative, conning, and have few boundaries regarding what they are willing to do to get what they want. On the positive side (yes, there is a positive side) - a person with a personality disorder can’t shut it off! Once people who try to help (you and others) become less of a target - their hostility and control doesn’t decrease. They find new targets. In short, she will remain the “queen of drama” and eventually “burn out” your son and those around her. Your son will never be able to “work it out” with her and will eventually recognize that - hopefully. Using the strategies I outline in my article such as “Hang on Loosely” - the family stays at a safe distance until the victim needs help. It’s like being a lifeguard at a pool…we monitor them from a safe distance yet are prepared to jump in and help at a moments notice. Keep in mind that she will be using the child against your son, threatening to take the child far away, prevent visitation, etc. if he tries to end the relationship. She’s betting your son will put up with a lot of abuse/control for the sake of his child….and people do, at first.
This is just a battle in a long war of control and influence. Monitor from a safe distance as I describe and let her destroy the relationship. At that time, you’ll need to prepare for the return of your son who will be emotionally exhausted from the ordeal. Dr. Carver
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107
Hi folks,
I’m sorry to report that we had a server hiccup last night which resulted in the loss of a small number of user comments which had been submitted on that day. I have already contacted some users who left comments, but if you left a comment between the hours of roughly 1800 GMT and 0300 GMT yesterday, and you don’t see it here now, please accept my apologies for the fact that it will have been lost.
All the best,
Greg -
Kath106
I believe my son is suffering from stockholm syndrome. Since he’s been with his wife he has become distant, bitter and I see someone suffering from deep depression. He has accused my entire family of behavior that is just not true. He was always telling me how his wife had been a victim of every employer she ever had, every room mate she had treated her badly. He now refuses to talk to any of us. At their wedding reception I was told by a friend she bites, kicks and hits him. He used to call me when he was at work but now he doesn’t even do that. He spent a year in Iraq and at the welcome home ceremony he pushed his grandmother. She walked away from my entire family and her mother told us she could understand the reception. I know he’s paying dearly for being away. I know I can’t help him until he sees that what the problem is. They have a two year old child, she hasn’t worked most of their time together, yet controls all the money.
He would always telling us he was “working on it,” and I don’t know what that means. I had words with her once because I had just had enough. She told me that I don’t know what she had done for my son. I don’t know what that could possibly be when he’s supported her as long as he has. The stress on raising a family on his income is to hard for me to watch. But I know not to do anything, because if anything is offered a drama is to follow that I can’t bear. The last time I saw him he was coming to pick up the remainder of his things. He walked in my home, told me he had 20 minutes because she was having surgery at 2pm and he had just found out on the way to my home. Of course his phone rang and he had to reassure her that he loved her.It’s become very difficult not to say anything. I know it’s the best thing to do. What can I do?
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Jill105
Dear 10/16th and Amy,
I am a surviver of a verbally and psychologically damaging relationship and I found two books particularly helpful.
“The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, by Patricia Evans provides a really detailed explanation of how a couple in an abusive relationship are basically in two completely different realities and experience the relationship differently. The abuser is in a powerover relationship in which the only concern is keeping control, while the partner continues to justify and explain behaviours in the mistaken belief that the abuser will change if they could just explain their actions better. This attempt to explain comes from a genuine desire to build a mutally respectful relationship in the belief that the abuser essentially has a goodwill towards the partner.
“But he says he loves me” by Dama McMillian tracks what is going on in the mind of the abuser while trying to hook you into a controlling relationship. This is based on the research of over 700 abusers.
Both book are well written and easy to read. They are comforting because they reinforce the reality of your own truth; they confirm the reality that no victim is alone and finallyt that it IS NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT.
Warning - while easy to read these books may be hard to process! Any reading like this may churn up some uncomfortable feelings that may need to be aired and talked through with understanding people/professionals!
Good luck to you Amy in your recovery and to you 10/16th in helping your friend, she will need all the genuine love and support that she can get.
Best wishes
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104
Dear Bob: You’ve married a conartist from an antisocial family. Individuals who operate this way have “personality disorders” and in her case, criminal behavior. They are extremely selfish and have no difficulty ruining the credit, lives, and health of those around them. They manipulate everyone in their environment, including members of their family who in this case also manipulate others. Conartists also “con” other conartists. There are no true apologies from individuals who operate like this. They have the ability to lie, exaggerate, and fabricate theatrical dramas with a goal in mind. They develop “schemes” that involve abortions, pregancies, get-money-quick, medical illness, etc. with some selfish goal in mind. When caught, they create another scheme to get out of the first scheme. Her major fear at this time is the separation has left her unshielded and unprotected regarding her criminal behavior (bad checks, forgery, etc.). She may have criminal charges if you aren’t around to cover for her. She will be using promises, guilt, sex, and any other manipulation to get the marriage back - then the games begin again. As should be obvious by now, this woman is very dangerous to you. You are a victim here - of both a conartist AND a criminal. You will need to take steps to protect yourself and your future. Dr. Carver
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103
Dear K Sue: Physical and emotional trauma create Emotional Memories - memories that contain details of the experience PLUS the emotions recorded at that time. The Emotional Memories of your experience with your father were “triggered” by this student experience, making you relive the depression, helplessness, emotional pain, etc. that you experienced as a child. In this way, an assault (the violent handshake) turned into an overwhelming emotional experience. You can read more about Emotional Memory in my article on this website. Had you experienced a normal, healthy, nonabusive childhood - the student’s behavior would have been viewed as an assault by a sociopath and you would have clearly recognized his letter as court-ordered and another attempt to con/manipulate his way out of his court charges. The incident would have triggered indignation rather than emotional pain.
As you discovered, Stockholm Syndrome involves Emotional Memory. After being traumatized several times in a relationship (although the aggressor apologizes), we develop a survival strategy to avoid that emotional memory and another trauma.
When we have a background of emotional/physical trauma, our Emotional Memory system is on-alert everyday. Prolonged exposure to emotional/physical trauma - as in child abuse, combat, spousal abuse - increases the frequency and intensity that the Emotional Memories surface on a daily basis. If we were traumatized by an amusement park, those Emotional Memories may surface during the summer. If we spent 15 years with an abuser - the memories may surface once an hour!
Emotional Memory is the foundation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’d read on that topic as well as you work to understand this experience with a sociopath. Dr. Carver
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bob102
I met a girl around 25 years ago when i was in my very early twenties at a local bar. During that period of my life, everything was a party, while I balanced a non-career type job and college studies. We became very close, spending an enormous amount of time with each other. Sex in our relationship was frequent, which I never experienced before to that degree. I was actually afraid for so many years. Anyway, we fell in love (or thought we were in love). I went over her house often and became close to her family, however, there was always a distance between her father and me. He shook my hand loosely (like a wet dish rag)and he had a full beard. He rarely talked. I actually thought he wasn’t aloud to get a word in edgewise, between his controlling wife and four daughters. But I never respected him and always felt he was hiding something. Anyway, one day my girlfriend told me she got an abortion and her friend took her there. I didn’t even know she was pregnant, nor did she tell me ahead of time or what her intentions were. She said her stomach was sore. I really didn’t know what to say or think. In all I was overwhelmed with guilt that it was my fault. I tried everything to keep her spirits up. She recovered and it was back to having fun, dining, drinking, laughing, etc. A few years later she called me and told me her house was robbed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She wanted me to come over and take a look at what the robbers had done. At the time I was working a part time job as a security guard and she thought (or played it) as if I had investigative experience. So I went to take a look, and couldn’t believe what I had seen. The whole house was turned upside down. The matresses were turned over, drawers were pulled out, clothes were strewn all over the place. A real crime scene. A few days later, she calls me and asks to talk to me. We talked and she dropped a bomb on me saying that she robbed her parents house. I could not believe her admittance. She said the Police are aware and so is her parents and family. Of course, I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, but at the time I still loved her and thought that she needed help. Her parents supposedly sent her to see a psychologist for therapy. I never really asked too many questions, because it bothered her. I assumed that she was treated and better. Remember, I was young, non-assuming, and ignorrant. Life went on and we began enjoying ourselves again. A few years later I asked her to marry me. I’ll never forget it. I had a ring custom made with the diamonds of another ring that I had found and no one claimed, clustered on the side of a nic diamond. I couldn’t afford a big diamond, but I was very proud of the ring. We came back to her mothers house and announced our plans. I didn’t ask her father for his daughters hand, because I was too embarrassed. Maybe that was wrong, but it didn’t really bother me too much. In any event, my future wife and her mother began discussing the wedding immediately, by the time I knew it I was getting married a year later. They set the date and everything without consulting me. I would have agreed anyway, because I didn’t want to hurt her. During our engagement, I was working for her father in his business and getting paid under the table. Not a lot of money, but it was a job. I asked if he could pay me leaglly and take taxes out, so I could get some credit and prove a continued work history to maybe qualify for a mortgage on a house. He took taxes out,and reduced my take home pay, but when it came time to filing he didn’t give me a w-2. I asked and asked and never got it until I pressured him. He eneded up giving me a w-2 showing less taxes deducted than what he actually deducted from my pay. My trust and opinion of him diminished greatly. My perception of him from the first time I met him was confirmed. In any event, I didn’t let that stop me from marrying his daughter. So we got married and went on a honeymoon that my father gave us as a gift. I few weeks later, my wife tells me that she’s pregnant. I didn’t even get to enjoy my newlywed status. Her mother, (being the professed catholic that she is or made herself and everyone around her believe that she is) was actually counting the months from the expected due date backwards, to grill her daughter for having sex before she got married. Her mother is a control freek. She thinks she is right about everything and everyone (her whole family) just goes along with her to avoid confrontation (except me of course). So I asked my wide how she got pregnant if she was on the “pill” and she said her gynocologist told her that drinking orange juice negates the effects of the pill. I thought that was ludicrous and so did everyone else on my side of the family, but who were we to argue a doctors opinion. In the meantime, we purchased a house to move into that was basically a fixer-upper. I had had some carpentry experience and began work on this hosue as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. I wanted to make a nice home for our family. I took a week off in November to go hunting with my father, which i always did, and she stayed home pregnant. When I returned, we had Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. worked on the house. After Christmas, I began getting collection calls from credit card companies. My wife had run up credit cards way past the maximum limit. She was handling bills and I had no reason not to trust her with that task until I began getting numerous calls. I looked into it further and she could not prodcue bank statements, credit card bills, other bills, etc. She said they must have gotten lost in the mail or she threw them out by accident. She even blamed me for throwing out bills, whihc I know for a fact that I never did. Our credit got worse and I had to take out another loan on the house to refiance and consolidate our debt. I took over the bills at that time. Then my wife got more creative with her desire to get extra money. Over the next 18 years of marriage she has done the following: taken out numerous credit cards in my name, her name, or both without my knowledge, taken out home equity loans from subprime lenders (Houshold Finance, American General, Citifinancial)in my name, her name, or both. She intercepted mail and phone calls from collection agencies. She hid bills from me and never paid them. I switched to a Post Office box in my name only to try and get all the bills. She obtained a secondary key by charming the USPS employee. I found out and she handed over the key to me. She continued to intercept the mail by having it handed to her through the service window saying she “forgot her key”. She kited checks between checking accounts, and credit cards. She was responsible for having our car reposessed, our house went into foreclosure because she wasn’t mailing the payments that I gave her to mail, because she needed the money in the account to cover her hidden financial dealings, I was kicked out of the local bank and termed a “security risk”. She has forged my name on numerous occasions including the signing over of the car title to her name only so she could get another loan and use the car for collateral. She said she closed my sons (19 year old) bank account, because he lost his wallet with his ATM card. When in fact she used his account, forging his name and writing out bad checks. This activity led to forty bad checks being written out with over $1,750.00 in bank fees for overdrafts, non-sufficient funds, etc. in a three month period. I found out and froze the account before my son was about to get arrested. She has lied to me and deceived me for most of our marriage. This activity was constant and consitant. We have four kids together, the youngest being 10 through 19. I have continually threatened divorce and she would always apologize and say she was sorry. At one point she said she had a gambling problem and I took her to an outreach program. recently, however, she said she never had a gambling problem and that she just said that to shut me and my mother up. So where did all of the thousands of dollars go, she cannot explain. There is much more that she has done, but this is just a sampling. Oh, by the way she pawned her engagement ring that had meant so much to me (at least) the third year of our marriage. She also pawned her wedding ring and other jewelry. Long story short, I have been living with my mother for nearly 60 days. I filed for divorce, but feel guilty about the kids and her. I have been flip flopping for so long it is killing me. I was told today by a coworker that I am suffering form stockholm syndrom, which led me to your website. I am not sure if I am in love with her, feel sorry for her, accept her for waht she does while I keep bailing her out, which is really enabling her. What do I do. No one will tell me to get a divorce or stay home. I need answers or need to know how I can get answers. I really think it is time for me to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid and will most likely be jealous if she gets another partner. But she has blown my credit score down to 480. It has never really moved for the 19 years of marriage even when she said it will get better “wait seven years”. I waited seven years nearly three times in a row and its not happening. I analyze evrything she says and does. The trust just isn’t there anymore. She wants me to come over and have sex with her, but I feel (as much as I want to) that it is her way of trying to get me back home and not thinking clearly on what really needs to be done. Divorce or no divorce. I feel like I am the victim. Any suggestions?
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K Sue101
About a six weeks ago, I was injured by a student in class when I shook hands with him. He crushed my knuckles several times and dug into a nerve. It was a really weird form of completely unpredictable violence that has left a lot of people wondering if he is sociopathic (he’s 20). He was removed from my class and he was charged with battery.
After about 2 weeks, I got a letter of apology from him. He was asked to write this letter and it was not written soley by himself. However, after I got this letter, I started to get very depressed. I fantacized pouring out my soul to him about how much he had hurt me, and that somehow it would all make him into a better person because he would accept everything I had to say and would let me process everything I needed to process. I also started to be afraid that if I didn’t respond in some way, I’d be the cause for his downward spiral into something worse.
The words Stockholm Syndrome started running through my head not long after that. I started interpreting so many moments of my life in terms of his existance. It seems to me that I wanted to play out some sort of drama with him that I could not play out with my father. “Oh, please understand and feel my pain!”
As I processed this, I began to understand more about controlling behavior, and that I have to process my own feelings instead of getting lost in finding excuses for the controller. I have to say I have learned volumes from this experience (though there are probably still some aspects of it that are affecting me).
My life was not threatened (although after that incident, I had no idea if he would do something else), but I can just imagine that for some people, emotions bourne through the Stockholm Syndrome could even raise to the level or erotica or tap into intense childhood fantasy.
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