Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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144 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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10/16ths100
Thanks Amy. Any help would be appreciated. I am concerned about pressuring her and pushing her more towards him.
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Amy Kyriazis99
Send her the link to this website. I am still looking for a book on the topic. I will check into it more and comment back.
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10/16ths98
I have a friend who I believe may be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in her marriage. She has been married just over two years. Things were fine and he was the perfect gentlemen when he was courting her. However, on their honeymoon he turned into himself. That being a controlling, manipulative and abusive person. He has verbally, sexually and physically abused her. He has only physically abused her once but once is more than enough. She is torn about leaving because she feels a connection to him. He is now on medication to control his temper but still sexually abuses her. He is constantly molesting her. She cannot even sleep through the night without waking to him groping her. She is committed to trying to make the marriage work because he is “trying”. She says things aren’t really “that bad” but she also feels sympathy towards him and is afraid of hurting him. They have a child together which complicates matters even worse.
My question is regarding sending her a link to your topic on Stockholm Syndrome. How should I go about this. Every time he does something bad towards her it’s as if her resolve to stay in the marriage grows stronger. Can you please be of some assistance?
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Amy Kyriazis97
Oh, I am 31 now by the way. It had been 16 years when I called him.
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Amy Kyriazis96
When I was 5 years old I was molested by my older cousin. The sexual abuse continued until I was 8, at that point we were having intercourse. I moved out of state, at 15 I saw him again, he was 20. He again tried to coerce me into having sex. I was older, I told him no that I knew what he had done to me. I have gone through drug and alcohol addiction, poor relationships, you name it. I went to treatment 3 1/2 years ago and it was then that I told my family and I finally had a voice. In July I wanted closure, validation, an apology, I don’t know what I wanted, but I people searched my cousin and I called him. He apologized, tried to minimize, but more than anything I felt an immediate connection like nothing I have ever known. We met a month later and the relationship quickly turned sexual and I fell in love with him. He fell into love too. I recently told my mother who filled me in on Stockholm Syndrome. It has almost turned into an addiction in itself, waiting for calls, emails, etc. Please tell me your thoughts, anyone.
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Madeline Roberts MSW95
I was “kicked out” of my long-time friend’s home yesterday (37 years!) because I witnessed his sadistic behavior toward his quadriplegic wife (she has MS–he has been her sole care giver for the past umpteen years).
His excuse was that I called him an “idiot.” That was just an excuse. Verbage. The REAL excuse was because I SAW Him sadistically throw her into a steaming hot shower-stick her poor clawed and withered left arm into the shower rail bar on the wall so violently (so that it would keep her body in place–while she was crying & moaning all the while–I do believe that she “went away” in a disassociative mental state at that time) that it took me 10 minutes to slowly wiggle it out (after his tantrum). He literally put a bruise about the size of a silver dollar on her arm.
As far as getting her legs in the shower–he told me in the MEANEST voice I have ever heard come out of his mouth, “You just have to pick up her legs and put them where YOU want them–THE HARDER the BETTER! Don’t pay any attention to what she says! She is going to complain!”
You may ask me, what my friend’s wife did to deserve such terrible treatment? She pooped. She pooped in her diaper. That’s it. No biggie, as far as I am concerned. I was gladly caring for her, with love & affection. I had been in the act of giving her a sponge bath when all of this UGLY scene took place.
My friend of 37 years had a sudden heart attack last Monday. Knowing that he is an only child, and the sole caregiver of his wife (they married in March of 1980–my husband & I married in May of 1980), I and several other friends jumped to their aid.
After he came home from the hospital on Saturday, with doctor’s orders to do no lifting, etc. I (because of my social work degree & home health work background) offered to assist them until they could get their home health care aides in place.
Now I am deeply depressed, especially after reading this Stockholm Syndrome article.
I believe he has been hurting her BADLY. She has DISLOCATED shoulders. Her feet are MANGLED. This couple has no children, and they are NOT poor.This man was the best man at my wedding 27 years ago. I thought he was my best male pal. I am truly STUNNED and SICKENED. I NEED HELP and Direction.
What should I do?
Can you advise me on this touchy situation, please?
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94
Hi Jill and Antone: Detaching from a Loser/Abuser can be difficult. The Stockholm Syndrome described in my article is actually a survival strategy from that abusive relationship. When the relationship ends, the victim must learn to live again very differently. Jill’s brother is detached for example, yet still living the same way. Losers and Abusers often selfishly interfere with the victim’s recovery. I’d recommend reading the article I’ve written called Identifying Losers in Relationships (on this website). As I mention in the article, Losers and Abusers always consider their ex-partners/victims on the “back burner” - still keeping contact and control of them although the relationship has ended. There is also an excellent discussion group on Losers on this website.
Victims of Losers/Abusers/Controllers can recover and have normal, healthy lifes. To do so, they need to understand the situation they have, detach from the Abuser, maintain no-contact forever, and rebuilt/recover their damaged self-esteem and self-confidence. Professional mental health intervention is often needed in this recovery process. The Loser discussion group contains stories of folks in various stages of their recovery - some just recently detached and dealing with the Loser contacts and others with many months since the detachment who are now experiencing their new-found sense of freedom and independence. Dr. Carver
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Antone93
The articles talk a lot about the effects of the abuser on the victims during the relationship.
My question is does the abuser still have any effects on the victims after the relationship ended?
Will the victim ever return to his/her normal self after 1 year apart from the abuser or will the vitims try to get back with the abuser again no mater how long apart they’ve been?
Victims often blame themselves for the bad relationship. How do you help the victims cope with what happened? What steps can be taken to help the victims heal?
Will the victim be able to have a normal relationship with someone else or will be victim become the abuser?
Thank you for your help.
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Jill92
I hope someone can help my family. I have a brother whom has been married to a narcissist for 20 years+! They have two children, one son 4, one daughter 11. The abuser has put him in a hopeless financial situation, though he’s been a very successful executive. He left her 5 months ago, but he never really left her? He’s had a sick attachment, constant phone calls, still gives her his entire paycheck, reports to her his every move, etc. He acts like a robot, is very depressed, is in serious jeopardy of losing his job…we’ve all tried to help him in every way we know how…but not matter who in the family it is, he only listens to the wife. He defends her and denies what is so obvious to all of us. He feels hopeless and is about to move back in with her. We know she will further isolate him, allow no contact with family, and we all seriously feel that she will cause his death, either intentionally or unintentionally, very soon. How do we help him? They go to counseling now, but she picks the counselor, tells him what he can say, etc. It’s unbelievable! My brother is not the same happy, ambitious, funny guy he used to be….he’s much more of a zombie! He will tell you how miserable he is, but if you offer solutions, he will change the subject? Would appreciate any advice you can send this way.
Wilmington, NC
Brother in Hickory -
91
Hi Mary,
You can use the same method to post a comment as you’ve just used to post your question — no need to join anything. :-)
All the best,
Greg
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