“The Mystery of Loving an Abuser” Comments, Page 10
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174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Antone
91The articles talk a lot about the effects of the abuser on the victims during the relationship.
My question is does the abuser still have any effects on the victims after the relationship ended?
Will the victim ever return to his/her normal self after 1 year apart from the abuser or will the vitims try to get back with the abuser again no mater how long apart they’ve been?
Victims often blame themselves for the bad relationship. How do you help the victims cope with what happened? What steps can be taken to help the victims heal?
Will the victim be able to have a normal relationship with someone else or will be victim become the abuser?
Thank you for your help.
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92
Hi Jill and Antone: Detaching from a Loser/Abuser can be difficult. The Stockholm Syndrome described in my article is actually a survival strategy from that abusive relationship. When the relationship ends, the victim must learn to live again very differently. Jill’s brother is detached for example, yet still living the same way. Losers and Abusers often selfishly interfere with the victim’s recovery. I’d recommend reading the article I’ve written called Identifying Losers in Relationships (on this website). As I mention in the article, Losers and Abusers always consider their ex-partners/victims on the “back burner” – still keeping contact and control of them although the relationship has ended. There is also an excellent discussion group on Losers on this website.
Victims of Losers/Abusers/Controllers can recover and have normal, healthy lifes. To do so, they need to understand the situation they have, detach from the Abuser, maintain no-contact forever, and rebuilt/recover their damaged self-esteem and self-confidence. Professional mental health intervention is often needed in this recovery process. The Loser discussion group contains stories of folks in various stages of their recovery – some just recently detached and dealing with the Loser contacts and others with many months since the detachment who are now experiencing their new-found sense of freedom and independence. Dr. Carver
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Madeline Roberts MSW
93I was “kicked out” of my long-time friend’s home yesterday (37 years!) because I witnessed his sadistic behavior toward his quadriplegic wife (she has MS–he has been her sole care giver for the past umpteen years).
His excuse was that I called him an “idiot.” That was just an excuse. Verbage. The REAL excuse was because I SAW Him sadistically throw her into a steaming hot shower-stick her poor clawed and withered left arm into the shower rail bar on the wall so violently (so that it would keep her body in place–while she was crying & moaning all the while–I do believe that she “went away” in a disassociative mental state at that time) that it took me 10 minutes to slowly wiggle it out (after his tantrum). He literally put a bruise about the size of a silver dollar on her arm.
As far as getting her legs in the shower–he told me in the MEANEST voice I have ever heard come out of his mouth, “You just have to pick up her legs and put them where YOU want them–THE HARDER the BETTER! Don’t pay any attention to what she says! She is going to complain!”
You may ask me, what my friend’s wife did to deserve such terrible treatment? She pooped. She pooped in her diaper. That’s it. No biggie, as far as I am concerned. I was gladly caring for her, with love & affection. I had been in the act of giving her a sponge bath when all of this UGLY scene took place.
My friend of 37 years had a sudden heart attack last Monday. Knowing that he is an only child, and the sole caregiver of his wife (they married in March of 1980–my husband & I married in May of 1980), I and several other friends jumped to their aid.
After he came home from the hospital on Saturday, with doctor’s orders to do no lifting, etc. I (because of my social work degree & home health work background) offered to assist them until they could get their home health care aides in place.
Now I am deeply depressed, especially after reading this Stockholm Syndrome article.
I believe he has been hurting her BADLY. She has DISLOCATED shoulders. Her feet are MANGLED. This couple has no children, and they are NOT poor.This man was the best man at my wedding 27 years ago. I thought he was my best male pal. I am truly STUNNED and SICKENED. I NEED HELP and Direction.
What should I do?
Can you advise me on this touchy situation, please?
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Amy
94When I was 5 years old I was molested by my older cousin. The sexual abuse continued until I was 8, at that point we were having intercourse. I moved out of state, at 15 I saw him again, he was 20. He again tried to coerce me into having sex. I was older, I told him no that I knew what he had done to me. I have gone through drug and alcohol addiction, poor relationships, you name it. I went to treatment 3 1/2 years ago and it was then that I told my family and I finally had a voice. In July I wanted closure, validation, an apology, I don’t know what I wanted, but I people searched my cousin and I called him. He apologized, tried to minimize, but more than anything I felt an immediate connection like nothing I have ever known. We met a month later and the relationship quickly turned sexual and I fell in love with him. He fell into love too. I recently told my mother who filled me in on Stockholm Syndrome. It has almost turned into an addiction in itself, waiting for calls, emails, etc. Please tell me your thoughts, anyone.
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Amy95
Oh, I am 31 now by the way. It had been 16 years when I called him.
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Amy96
Send her the link to this website. I am still looking for a book on the topic. I will check into it more and comment back.
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10/16ths
97I have a friend who I believe may be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in her marriage. She has been married just over two years. Things were fine and he was the perfect gentlemen when he was courting her. However, on their honeymoon he turned into himself. That being a controlling, manipulative and abusive person. He has verbally, sexually and physically abused her. He has only physically abused her once but once is more than enough. She is torn about leaving because she feels a connection to him. He is now on medication to control his temper but still sexually abuses her. He is constantly molesting her. She cannot even sleep through the night without waking to him groping her. She is committed to trying to make the marriage work because he is “trying”. She says things aren’t really “that bad” but she also feels sympathy towards him and is afraid of hurting him. They have a child together which complicates matters even worse.
My question is regarding sending her a link to your topic on Stockholm Syndrome. How should I go about this. Every time he does something bad towards her it’s as if her resolve to stay in the marriage grows stronger. Can you please be of some assistance?
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10/16ths98
Thanks Amy. Any help would be appreciated. I am concerned about pressuring her and pushing her more towards him.
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K Sue
99About a six weeks ago, I was injured by a student in class when I shook hands with him. He crushed my knuckles several times and dug into a nerve. It was a really weird form of completely unpredictable violence that has left a lot of people wondering if he is sociopathic (he’s 20). He was removed from my class and he was charged with battery.
After about 2 weeks, I got a letter of apology from him. He was asked to write this letter and it was not written soley by himself. However, after I got this letter, I started to get very depressed. I fantacized pouring out my soul to him about how much he had hurt me, and that somehow it would all make him into a better person because he would accept everything I had to say and would let me process everything I needed to process. I also started to be afraid that if I didn’t respond in some way, I’d be the cause for his downward spiral into something worse.
The words Stockholm Syndrome started running through my head not long after that. I started interpreting so many moments of my life in terms of his existance. It seems to me that I wanted to play out some sort of drama with him that I could not play out with my father. “Oh, please understand and feel my pain!”
As I processed this, I began to understand more about controlling behavior, and that I have to process my own feelings instead of getting lost in finding excuses for the controller. I have to say I have learned volumes from this experience (though there are probably still some aspects of it that are affecting me).
My life was not threatened (although after that incident, I had no idea if he would do something else), but I can just imagine that for some people, emotions bourne through the Stockholm Syndrome could even raise to the level or erotica or tap into intense childhood fantasy.
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bob
100I met a girl around 25 years ago when i was in my very early twenties at a local bar. During that period of my life, everything was a party, while I balanced a non-career type job and college studies. We became very close, spending an enormous amount of time with each other. Sex in our relationship was frequent, which I never experienced before to that degree. I was actually afraid for so many years. Anyway, we fell in love (or thought we were in love). I went over her house often and became close to her family, however, there was always a distance between her father and me. He shook my hand loosely (like a wet dish rag)and he had a full beard. He rarely talked. I actually thought he wasn’t aloud to get a word in edgewise, between his controlling wife and four daughters. But I never respected him and always felt he was hiding something. Anyway, one day my girlfriend told me she got an abortion and her friend took her there. I didn’t even know she was pregnant, nor did she tell me ahead of time or what her intentions were. She said her stomach was sore. I really didn’t know what to say or think. In all I was overwhelmed with guilt that it was my fault. I tried everything to keep her spirits up. She recovered and it was back to having fun, dining, drinking, laughing, etc. A few years later she called me and told me her house was robbed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She wanted me to come over and take a look at what the robbers had done. At the time I was working a part time job as a security guard and she thought (or played it) as if I had investigative experience. So I went to take a look, and couldn’t believe what I had seen. The whole house was turned upside down. The matresses were turned over, drawers were pulled out, clothes were strewn all over the place. A real crime scene. A few days later, she calls me and asks to talk to me. We talked and she dropped a bomb on me saying that she robbed her parents house. I could not believe her admittance. She said the Police are aware and so is her parents and family. Of course, I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, but at the time I still loved her and thought that she needed help. Her parents supposedly sent her to see a psychologist for therapy. I never really asked too many questions, because it bothered her. I assumed that she was treated and better. Remember, I was young, non-assuming, and ignorrant. Life went on and we began enjoying ourselves again. A few years later I asked her to marry me. I’ll never forget it. I had a ring custom made with the diamonds of another ring that I had found and no one claimed, clustered on the side of a nic diamond. I couldn’t afford a big diamond, but I was very proud of the ring. We came back to her mothers house and announced our plans. I didn’t ask her father for his daughters hand, because I was too embarrassed. Maybe that was wrong, but it didn’t really bother me too much. In any event, my future wife and her mother began discussing the wedding immediately, by the time I knew it I was getting married a year later. They set the date and everything without consulting me. I would have agreed anyway, because I didn’t want to hurt her. During our engagement, I was working for her father in his business and getting paid under the table. Not a lot of money, but it was a job. I asked if he could pay me leaglly and take taxes out, so I could get some credit and prove a continued work history to maybe qualify for a mortgage on a house. He took taxes out,and reduced my take home pay, but when it came time to filing he didn’t give me a w-2. I asked and asked and never got it until I pressured him. He eneded up giving me a w-2 showing less taxes deducted than what he actually deducted from my pay. My trust and opinion of him diminished greatly. My perception of him from the first time I met him was confirmed. In any event, I didn’t let that stop me from marrying his daughter. So we got married and went on a honeymoon that my father gave us as a gift. I few weeks later, my wife tells me that she’s pregnant. I didn’t even get to enjoy my newlywed status. Her mother, (being the professed catholic that she is or made herself and everyone around her believe that she is) was actually counting the months from the expected due date backwards, to grill her daughter for having sex before she got married. Her mother is a control freek. She thinks she is right about everything and everyone (her whole family) just goes along with her to avoid confrontation (except me of course). So I asked my wide how she got pregnant if she was on the “pill” and she said her gynocologist told her that drinking orange juice negates the effects of the pill. I thought that was ludicrous and so did everyone else on my side of the family, but who were we to argue a doctors opinion. In the meantime, we purchased a house to move into that was basically a fixer-upper. I had had some carpentry experience and began work on this hosue as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. I wanted to make a nice home for our family. I took a week off in November to go hunting with my father, which i always did, and she stayed home pregnant. When I returned, we had Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. worked on the house. After Christmas, I began getting collection calls from credit card companies. My wife had run up credit cards way past the maximum limit. She was handling bills and I had no reason not to trust her with that task until I began getting numerous calls. I looked into it further and she could not prodcue bank statements, credit card bills, other bills, etc. She said they must have gotten lost in the mail or she threw them out by accident. She even blamed me for throwing out bills, whihc I know for a fact that I never did. Our credit got worse and I had to take out another loan on the house to refiance and consolidate our debt. I took over the bills at that time. Then my wife got more creative with her desire to get extra money. Over the next 18 years of marriage she has done the following: taken out numerous credit cards in my name, her name, or both without my knowledge, taken out home equity loans from subprime lenders (Houshold Finance, American General, Citifinancial)in my name, her name, or both. She intercepted mail and phone calls from collection agencies. She hid bills from me and never paid them. I switched to a Post Office box in my name only to try and get all the bills. She obtained a secondary key by charming the USPS employee. I found out and she handed over the key to me. She continued to intercept the mail by having it handed to her through the service window saying she “forgot her key”. She kited checks between checking accounts, and credit cards. She was responsible for having our car reposessed, our house went into foreclosure because she wasn’t mailing the payments that I gave her to mail, because she needed the money in the account to cover her hidden financial dealings, I was kicked out of the local bank and termed a “security risk”. She has forged my name on numerous occasions including the signing over of the car title to her name only so she could get another loan and use the car for collateral. She said she closed my sons (19 year old) bank account, because he lost his wallet with his ATM card. When in fact she used his account, forging his name and writing out bad checks. This activity led to forty bad checks being written out with over $1,750.00 in bank fees for overdrafts, non-sufficient funds, etc. in a three month period. I found out and froze the account before my son was about to get arrested. She has lied to me and deceived me for most of our marriage. This activity was constant and consitant. We have four kids together, the youngest being 10 through 19. I have continually threatened divorce and she would always apologize and say she was sorry. At one point she said she had a gambling problem and I took her to an outreach program. recently, however, she said she never had a gambling problem and that she just said that to shut me and my mother up. So where did all of the thousands of dollars go, she cannot explain. There is much more that she has done, but this is just a sampling. Oh, by the way she pawned her engagement ring that had meant so much to me (at least) the third year of our marriage. She also pawned her wedding ring and other jewelry. Long story short, I have been living with my mother for nearly 60 days. I filed for divorce, but feel guilty about the kids and her. I have been flip flopping for so long it is killing me. I was told today by a coworker that I am suffering form stockholm syndrom, which led me to your website. I am not sure if I am in love with her, feel sorry for her, accept her for waht she does while I keep bailing her out, which is really enabling her. What do I do. No one will tell me to get a divorce or stay home. I need answers or need to know how I can get answers. I really think it is time for me to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid and will most likely be jealous if she gets another partner. But she has blown my credit score down to 480. It has never really moved for the 19 years of marriage even when she said it will get better “wait seven years”. I waited seven years nearly three times in a row and its not happening. I analyze evrything she says and does. The trust just isn’t there anymore. She wants me to come over and have sex with her, but I feel (as much as I want to) that it is her way of trying to get me back home and not thinking clearly on what really needs to be done. Divorce or no divorce. I feel like I am the victim. Any suggestions?
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