Comments on “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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146 Responses to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Cowgirl Annie10
Everything that Donna Johnson wrote on May 8, 2006 describes my son’s story. Except my son got this girl pregnant after dating her two months. He had just ended a relationship with another woman that he had dated for two years. The love of his life left him, and he meet this other girl. This other girl had baby from another man. My son loves children, and so he fell for this girl. He had told me after his relationship broke up with the love of his life, that he would never find another girl to love him. That is when he started up with this girl with a baby. Then this girl got pregnant by my son. While she had this 4 month old baby already. Clearly a careless girl, or very very clever.
She wanted out of her parents house, and away from her controlling mother. She found that my son was caring and liked her little baby. She trapped him. Before she even gave me and his father a chance, she was pulling our son away. Every chance we have made to make her feel comfortable, she would come up with nasty issues and lies to draw our son away from all of us. She would turn everything around as an attach on her. She was jealous of my other son’s girlfriend, and she would want all the attention when we were together. At Thanksgiving, I was accused of not holding her baby because I didn’t like the baby. It was one issue after another, one lie after another. I would reach out and try to work it out, and she would twist every kind gesture into a lie or make it appear as an attack on her.
She has finally won, and my son will no longer come around his family. There is not contact, and if I make an attempt to reach out, she takes over. She will not let him talk to us. It is an impossible situation.
I have cried every day or almost every day for a year. I have not seen my son or my granddaughter. My granddaughter will be a year next month. I haven’t seen her since she was two months old.She has sent ugly emails telling me my son wants nothing to do with me. She lies and tells me he is joining the navy, and we will never hear from him or see him as long as I live.
She has sent emails pretending to be my son to both my daughter and me. She has put some voodoo spell on my son, and he has sent hand written letters to both me and my daughter saying horrible things. He has left a Wanted Add up in a Wal-mart about me that said = Big Man Big Money Satisfaction Guaranteed if you know what I mean.= He put my phone number on the card. I ended up getting a phone call from some teenage boy, and the he wanted to know what it meant. Of course I had not idea what he was talking about. I went up to Wal-Mart and found the note, and took it down. But, first I took some pictures of it sitting up on the advertisement board. It was my son’s handwriting. I was crushed. I had sworn it would have been her handwriting, but it wasn’t. IT WAS MY SON!
I wanted to be a happy Grandma. My husband is broken up by this. My daughter is crushed. And my other son has moved on with his life, yet I know he is hurt. The two brothers are two years apart, and were always the He-Man and Skelator buddies. My three children were always so close and loving with one another. I don’t understand how this girl has pulled him away from all and any type of contact with his family.
My heart is broken, and it is difficult to understand all of this.
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9
Dear KC: Abusive adults often justify their behavior using their background, their family upbringing, or their culture. When certain behaviors are culturally determined, relationships can still work as both try to change their learned behaviors to benefit the relationship. The key factor here is that you feel abused, that the behavior is upsetting to you, and that his behavior is so obvious & severe that you are now socially restricted. All people have positive and negative traits. It sounds like you are having difficulty deciding if the good traits compensate for his abusive behavior. That’s a tough call. It may be important to consider how the relationship makes you feel. If it makes you feel bad, it’s probably unhealthy. Sadly, he may have no desire to change his behavior which tells us the behavior will continue to be abusive. Counseling may help you sort through your conflicted feelings about him and the relationship. Dr. Carver
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8
I wonder if I am making more of a situation than I need to, but I feel very uneasy in my relationship and I don’t know how to move on. I look forward to a new perspective. I met my partner six years ago. We got to know each other slowly then moved in together. I began to help him run his company which made sense culturally for him; being eastern european. Every now and again he would verbally abuse me (abuse?) I’m no longer sure what is normal…telling me lots of negative things about myself and saying that this is just normal in his culture and ‘expressive’. True? Perhaps. When we are with other people he without fail reacts badly because I am not giving him enough attention. Now I can no longer take him out to be with friends and family, in part because they have seen me upset so many times. I wonder have I done it all wrong? Painted a bad portrait of him and caused all this to happen. I know I too can be hateful at times by pointing out the negatives in his behaviour. I’m confused because in some respects he thoughtful and lovely, gentle and kind. But in other respects the exact opposite. My dilemma is that when i am away from him I cry and cry; I miss him dearly; I wish it to be different. I can’t see that anyone else could ever match him (in his good and bad!). And so I am totally stuck. How can I let it go but more than than how can I understand this and consciously understand it? Thanks if you can give me any insights.
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7
Dear Sarah, Each Loser behavior in my article is a risk factor - the more behaviors present - the higher the risk. Physical injury is a severe risk factor alone. As I mention in the Stockholm Syndrome (SS) article, victims are often sympathetic to their abusers but that sympathy doesn’t change their abuser’s behavior. As I mention in the Loser article, abusers will continue to hang on as long as you keep in contact with them. When you recontacted him, even to say it’s over, he viewed that as an opportunity to return full force…even wanting to move back in when both were physically injured.
In detaching from an abuser, we should forgive but not forget..forgive the anger and resentment you have and move on…but don’t forget that the individual is STILL an abuser. I may forgive a burglar…but I’ll buy a security system because I remember it can happen again.
You can’t fix your abusers problems…you can only improve your situation.
After all that’s happened, he’s ready to move with you again. He’s ready to start all over again, but it’s not a loving relationship he’s starting. It’s more of the same behavior and abuse. My sense is this relationship is dangerous for you. Dr. Carver -
Sarah Ward6
I was the victim of an controling abusive relationship for a year and it ended with us physically hurting each other. It started out great until we decide to move in with my parents.
He did have some of the similarities of a “loser” but not all. I guess my question to you is…Can it ever change if you decide to go back? I mean how do you know what to do if you love that person? I mean its almost like i want to help him, i know he has hurt me sooo bad but, i guess in my heart i don’t want him to be that way.When we parted i didnt have any contact for a month and then i broke down and started talking to him and telling him it was over, but he just won’t let go…and then we just recently saw each other for a day and night and it was so different and i knew it would be that way, but i just want to see him happy and actually get help. I mean i do care about him. I think it is possible to forgive, i mean thats in the bible. Is it bad that i want him to get help and that i wish things would be different. He wants soo much to start over, come move with me and do what ever i want to do. I don’t know. I know in my heart what happen was very wrong, but why can’t i move on and let go.
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[…] And here’s a discussion of guest contributor Dr. Joseph Carver’s article on Love and Stockholm Syndrom: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser. […]
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4
Your brother is in a difficult situation. He is clearly trapped but may not be completely ready to detach. I recommend that family and friends develop a contingency plan, much like you’ve attempted in the past. Many folks return to abusive & controlling relationships because they didn’t have the resources (money, place to live, support, etc.) to stay on their own. Family can have a “rescue fund” that can be provided once he makes the decision to leave. If he talks with you about detaching - encourage him to make an exit plan as I describe in my article. Leaving in a panic typically causes us to return. He will need to plan to leave. As you observed, Controllers and Abusers often bluff victims with vague legal threats. As family, providing the correct legal and social information helps the loved one make a clearer decision about their future. Keep in mind that your brother’s self-esteem and confidence have probably been destroyed. What may appear as a weakness of will-power may actually be incapacitating depression. If so, encourage individual mental health treatment. Hope this reply helps. Dr. Carver, also known as Itryta Help.
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Emma Fraid3
It finally came to me after my brother called my mom on monday while I was there; depressed ,after working 14 hours coming home to an filthy house hadn’t ate all day because he had no money; there was nothing to eat . My view had been “it’s his fault if he weren’t giving her control over his money he would have some” A serogate sister was visiting jumped up and handed me $100 and said stop and get him something to eat he can pay me back. So I drove like a maniac with the burgers and a digital camera because his wife had told me ” he was just being a drama queen there was food there he just didn’t want to cook” on previous occasions. I was tired of my mother being upset @ 72. When I arrived he was outside with his cell phone clearing the numbers and said “you better get out of here before X gets home she be mad I called you guys”.I said I don’t give an F and marched past with camera in hand to the frig where I found rotten hamburger dry cereal sat on top no milk,no bread. He wasn’t being a drama queen. After the 3rd time of him telling me I better get out of here I started to leave then I went back and asked him what does she do when she gets mad? He said she starts scream and yelling throwing things at me breaking dishes telling me she will divorce me and I will be paying alimony.I assurred him that they hadn’t been married long enough for her to get alimony(-5)he thanked me for the burgers again I left. He got paid, on Fiday he said there was 500 in the bank on Monday there was nothing in the account he stopped by at my moms house to eat. Of course I started in about him being stupid enough to give her his bank card he deserved it. Then I had to listen to him for a solid hour say how stupid he was and didn’t want to live.I called her daughter to see if there was an addiction that needed to be treated which she said no and reported to X.She was out of town I went an talked with him I thought he has finally had enough since they were soon to be homeless even with an income over 100,000 and moving for the 6th time. He was going to get a storage she was taking ther stuff to her daughters. I offerred to loan him money for a travel trailer. She came home on sunday and called to tell me that I needed to tell him I didn’t want to hear it when he was complaining about not wanting to live he was being a drama queen I told her that would never happen. She said I was to call her and tell her if he called saying such things. A week goes by he called my mom to give her his bank account numbers for me to deposit 700 so he can go buy a tent. I said no and told him I would rent him a campsite near his work, no he would figure something else out. I found a roomate ad and called him at work to tell him I would pay for the room if he wanted it and he could stay at my house this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. He did leave her once I moved him while he was at work 16hr days. She was on vacation talk about a better fence-after fetching him she quit her job and me and my mother were given instructions to call her if started talking about leaving again which I did. He is a pathological liar is there any hope for him to get out? I thought learning from mistakes requires honesty. Thanks, Emma Fraid she’ll know it’s me
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Donna’s situation as a concerned parent is very common when our son or daughter is with an individual I describe in my Loser article. As you discovered, the victim (her son) will defend the Loser and Controller to the point that they won’t talk to you about their life anymore. I would recommend using the strategies I outline in my article on Stockholm Syndrome - keeping a healthy distance, remaining in contact, yet not “approving” of the relationship.
You might also remember that parents often become emotionally overwhelmed by the stress of these situation. You may be experiencing a depression due to this situation. The crying spells and constant thinking about it will burn you out emotionally. You may want to consult your family physician about depressive symptoms. When our son or daughter is in a relationship with an abusive controller, we need to be as emotionally healthy as possible. Dr. Carver -
donna johnson1
i think my son is involved with a loser/abuser. Also, displays symptoms of the stockholm syndrome and cognitive dissonance. He is 28, she is 21. His former girlfriend had just called their three year relationship off. This 21 year old girl came into his life with this line, “I’m looking for someone to settle down with and have a baby because all my girlfriends are”. He kept on telling me things she said and did, almost like he wanted my response. when I told him she was too young, stay away, etc… he would laugh. His friends said he resisted her for a long time. she finally got to him. Right away she slept with him, was staying at his apartment night and day. She works where he works. little by little I was seeing things and hearing things to make me feel uncomfortable. His friends said she had a tough life, her father abandoned her, she was raped when younger, was in a two year physically abusive relationship, she was lazy, lost her license, not on any type of birth control, does not have any relationship with her family, no friends, no interests, dependent on others for her independence, etc… I tried to tell my son this is not the type of person you even consider dating and to end it. She knew my husband and I did not like her. My son bought a home and she was overnite everyday, told him she was sick of living out of bags and that either he let her move in or she was leaving him and also that your mother hated me(this was only after 3 months of dating).
They were apart for two months and they ended up back together. Since then, he is with her 24/7, does not stay at his house that he just bought, does not do anything with his friends, is neglecting his home, his self, etc… His friends have all but given up on him, they say he is not himself when he is with her. She screams and yells at him for no reason in public. This happens all the time. She is mean and moody. She is always near him. We cannot call him without her being there. I call him on his cell and he calls me on his breaks. He will not listen to reason, says she’s a nice girl, he’s talking about pressures. I am numb, I cry all the time, I am so afraid for my son. I’m afraid he will lose it one day with her. He is a wonderful son and person. He does everything for this girl at the expense of himself. She does absolutely nothing for him. How do I handle this? Can I say to him that my husband and I could never approve of this girl because she is using and abusing him, that we feel this is an unhealthy relationship, etc…but we will always love him and be there for him. Or do I have to welcome her into my family which I do not think I can do. Please help. I am terrified and this is causing so much pain in my husband’s and my life. Please help me.
Thanks, Donna
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