The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. This is just one aspect of Stockholm Syndrome, as described by our guest contributor, clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph M. Carver.
Stockholm Syndrome
Following on from his guest contribution Are You Dating a Loser?, Dr Carver’s article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser explores a situation that will be familiar to all too many people.
Part 1 of Dr Carver’s article describes the formation of bonds between victim and abuser, while Part 2 continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers a list of 14 suggestions for friends and family of victims.
The article introduces Stockholm Syndrome this way:
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!†Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!
Relationship Questions or Comments for Dr Carver?
As a special bonus, Dr Carver has generously offered to drop by now and again to answer any questions that may come up for readers who find that Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser sounds just a little too familiar.
So, fire up your keyboard if you’d like to put a relationship question to him, and leave your question in the comments section of this blog posting. We’ll let Dr Carver know when your questions or comments are posted, and he can take a look at them.
Other articles by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor
This article was last reviewed by on Monday, 6th March 2006.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/03/06/stockholm-syndrome/
176 Responses (Including 2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Susan171
Hi Wendy and Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your comments. But if I’m truthful, Yes, it was scary, but my daughter had totally given in anyway. She knew there was no way she would ever win against him. He is far too good. (at acting that is).
The list of things my daughter has endured in the last 13 years is enough to send anyone to a breakdown, her husband being just a part of it.
She is now not the same person. Don’t get me wrong, she looks the same, sounds the same, but is not the same. (not that I would expect her to be. Your life cannot be turned upside down, again and again and expect to come out of it unscathed).
She just doesn’t care anymore, it’s as though she has taken on a some of his traits and behaviors.
This sounds horrible I know, but she has become selfish, putting herself before everyone, even the children – so out of character.
If you had heard some of the things her daughter has said to her, and witnessed what she has done you might understand. It’s as though she is feeling scorned by the children. She feels that all the love she had for them meant nothing to them.
And for all the awful, selfish, deliberately hurtful things their father did, they loved him and appeared to hate her. It’s as though they liked being mistreated, because when their Mom removed them from the hurt and pain, they dumped their Mom and went back to him.
Does that make any sense to you?
And now she will let both the children do exactly what they like, there are no boundaries, because she is terrified they will leave her again.
I tell her that they didn’t go (I say they, because this is the second time she has gone through this) because she set boundaries, and didn’t love her. The went because they were manipulated, emotionally blackmailed and frightened. But she can’t or won’t see it.
I just do not know how to help any of them.
My daughter insists, she’s fine, even though everyone who knows and loves her knows otherwise.
The children are exactly the same as their mom, and insist they are fine as well.
Is this normal under the circumstances, and will it just improve with time?
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Ferit172
Dr Carver,
Im 33 and I am living in a foreign country(I lost my parents in a traffic accident 14years ago). I work as an expert. I met a lady(27 lost her father 14years ago) 2,5months ago.Our conversation made us to think more seriously about our future.The only problem was her relation at that time(the guy is french and 44).The relation was 7months old.She wasnt happy but wasnt sad either.But she said she would like to go on with me.Then I asked her to move all staff to me and leave him.3days before new year eve. she did.After her movement,her man sent too many sms,email,phone calls to invite her back.She couldnt avoid herself to answer them.And in the NY evening,she asked me to take back to him.I did.
I didnt reply any of her msgs after she left.She started the contact to me next day after leaving me.She continued 2-3days but I ignoreed her.But in one msg she said she applied to a psychologist.Then I started to help her as much as I could.I found this web page based on her comments about her man.And I understood my fault by putting pressure on her.
After psychologist visit,she understood that she wanted to go on with me.(psyc found some syptom with her but i donno exactly)Then we started our relation again.This time I didnt put any pressure on her not to repeat my fault.But she couldnt tell the truth to her man that she was with me and we had a sexual life this time.She always kept this as a secret(she assumes her man as a father of her).After second seperation from her man,the man continued to invite her back.After 2 weeks she left me again.I stopped all my contact to her not to effect her life more.
Before meeting me,the man didnt want to talk about future with her.The man offered group sex,critise her dressing and culture etc.(The lady ignores the realtionship of that man with prostitutes.)But after me,he started to talk about having baby.Then the lady left the flat second time and he offered marriage and everythnig to her.No group sex,no critisim about culture and dressing.
The lady never wants to take the responsibility of her action.She always tries to put the responsibility on others like “I wish one of his friend tells I left him and he shouldnt distrub me more.”.She said she got the responsibility of life in the age of 14 and she was very storng person before him.
When i met her,her man was abroad for 5weeks.they moved to a new flat with him and as soon as they moved,he left the country.So she set up the life in that flat by herself during 5weeks.I met her in the 3rd week.I guess she feels that this flat belongs to her.
During our start-up period,she tried to stop my relation 3-4 times.I was waiting on standby and she started the relation back again with me.
She cant talk to me on the phone near him.She scares although he knows that I am just a normal friend of him.
Now I really wonder what to do.Why is she contacting with me after she left me?Why does she want to go back to that man?Is it a game?
BR.Ferit
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Ferit172.1
one more comment:
while she was leaving me in the second time, i offered her to apply psychologist again. she refused strongly by stating that she was okay and not sick.
after second seperation, she continued to contact to me but i ignored her.
in one of her email, again she mentioned about psychologist application.
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Diana173
Please help I need good advice.
I was married to a controlling individual for 20 years before divorcing. My children were damaged by it. The elder is now engaged to a man I believe is a narcistic abuser and is blind to it. She thinks he is the sun and the moon, will follow his religion and politics though it violate all she used to be and that she will be a trophy wife. She thinks he will make her world a safe place. I think he does not like women, I think he tolerates me and speaks negatively about everything on the planet that is different from how he believes is the right way. I think he does not genuinly care about my daughters interests and they are dissolving as he underrates them. I think he sees her as maleable (she is) and a vessel for his children. I can’t say anything without her running it by him for approval and her telling me that I am projecting my “baggage”. What can be done to make her see that he is not who she thinks he is? Since she has been with him, her whole life has been about him and his success. I hate watching this. What can I do?
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Kathy kau174
is this bond hard to break and can it still be there if the victim see the person and still has feeling for the person
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