The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. This is just one aspect of Stockholm Syndrome, as described by our guest contributor, clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph M. Carver.
Stockholm Syndrome
Following on from his guest contribution Are You Dating a Loser?, Dr Carver’s article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser explores a situation that will be familiar to all too many people.
Part 1 of Dr Carver’s article describes the formation of bonds between victim and abuser, while Part 2 continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers a list of 14 suggestions for friends and family of victims.
The article introduces Stockholm Syndrome this way:
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!
Relationship Questions or Comments for Dr Carver?
As a special bonus, Dr Carver has generously offered to drop by now and again to answer any questions that may come up for readers who find that Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser sounds just a little too familiar.
So, fire up your keyboard if you’d like to put a relationship question to him, and leave your question in the comments section of this blog posting. We’ll let Dr Carver know when your questions or comments are posted, and he can take a look at them.
174 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”
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Diana
171Please help I need good advice.
I was married to a controlling individual for 20 years before divorcing. My children were damaged by it. The elder is now engaged to a man I believe is a narcistic abuser and is blind to it. She thinks he is the sun and the moon, will follow his religion and politics though it violate all she used to be and that she will be a trophy wife. She thinks he will make her world a safe place. I think he does not like women, I think he tolerates me and speaks negatively about everything on the planet that is different from how he believes is the right way. I think he does not genuinly care about my daughters interests and they are dissolving as he underrates them. I think he sees her as maleable (she is) and a vessel for his children. I can’t say anything without her running it by him for approval and her telling me that I am projecting my “baggage”. What can be done to make her see that he is not who she thinks he is? Since she has been with him, her whole life has been about him and his success. I hate watching this. What can I do? -
Kathy kau
172is this bond hard to break and can it still be there if the victim see the person and still has feeling for the person
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