Comments on: Are You Dating a Loser? http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/ Looking at life through the prism of psychology, philosophy, mental health and more. Originally created by counsellor, psychotherapist and philosopher Dr Greg Mulhauser, this blog is now the work of an international team of contributors. Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:20:56 +0000 hourly 1 By: Help for Son Trapped in Relationship http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/#comment-40184 Help for Son Trapped in Relationship Fri, 25 May 2007 10:33:02 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-40184 [...] family would also benefit from reading the discussions on “Losers” and “Stockholm Syndrome” available on Counselling Resource. Your son and your family [...] [...] family would also benefit from reading the discussions on “Losers” and “Stockholm Syndrome” available on Counselling Resource. Your son and your family [...]

]]> By: Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/#comment-40145 Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True Mon, 21 May 2007 17:05:07 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-40145 [...] the first discussion thread about The Loser, readers shared their reactions to the article and sought Dr Carver’s [...] [...] the first discussion thread about The Loser, readers shared their reactions to the article and sought Dr Carver’s [...]

]]> By: Managing Editor http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21689 Managing Editor Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:54:25 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21689 Hi folks, Many thanks to everyone who has posted their thoughts and feelings and questions about Dr Carver's article! We've now started a new discussion thread to accommodate even more feedback; please stop by there if you'd like to leave a question or comment for Dr Carver: <a href="http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/relationships/loser-more-replies/">More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers</a> All the best, Greg Hi folks,

Many thanks to everyone who has posted their thoughts and feelings and questions about Dr Carver’s article! We’ve now started a new discussion thread to accommodate even more feedback; please stop by there if you’d like to leave a question or comment for Dr Carver:

More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers

All the best,
Greg

]]> By: Joseph M Carver Ph.D. http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21687 Joseph M Carver Ph.D. Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:10:31 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21687 Dear Elle, The "Loser" I describe in my article can also be a parent, sibling, friend, etc. A parent with a severe personality disorder (Loser features) is very damaging to the children and spouse. Faced with a violent and controlling parent or spouse, people either detach for their own sanity (you), become an anxious wreck (mother), or adopt the characteristics of the abuser (your sibs). A group of "losers" creates a toxic family where there are no boundaries, a high tolerance for violence, drugs, and intimidation and a stance that you are either with-them or against-them. You are doing the right thing for you and your family, but it's difficult. By the way, when we come from a toxic family we often select friends who are personality disorders. Why? Their behavior is familiar to us. Keep on your path to health for your family. Dr. Carver Dear Elle, The “Loser” I describe in my article can also be a parent, sibling, friend, etc. A parent with a severe personality disorder (Loser features) is very damaging to the children and spouse. Faced with a violent and controlling parent or spouse, people either detach for their own sanity (you), become an anxious wreck (mother), or adopt the characteristics of the abuser (your sibs). A group of “losers” creates a toxic family where there are no boundaries, a high tolerance for violence, drugs, and intimidation and a stance that you are either with-them or against-them. You are doing the right thing for you and your family, but it’s difficult. By the way, when we come from a toxic family we often select friends who are personality disorders. Why? Their behavior is familiar to us.
Keep on your path to health for your family. Dr. Carver

]]> By: Elle http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21605 Elle Sun, 26 Nov 2006 04:33:20 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21605 I decided this year to cut all contact with my father whom was involving my teenage son in drug taking as he did with me when i was 17. I learnt how to spot abusers early and at 21 met and married a lovely, gentle stable man who has supported me through 2 post natal depressions, we have been together for 21 yrs now. My father has a very violent history,at 74 he still uses drugs and laughs & boasts about the man he nearly killed when he was 60. What has sent me to the edge has been the reaction of my 3 siblings who said i was crazy and had lost the plot for making this desicion which i celarly said was about protecting my children. My brother who i thought was sensible has said that he wants no contact with me unless i reconcile with my Father. One of my sisters is an alchoholic and the other takes drugs and sees this as normal. Both have had violent partners and friends. My mother is a nervous wreck still, after many years of abuse by my father and i have been helping her to detach from the constant manipulation and guilt trips my siblings play to 'rope us back in' and pretend that we can all get along, that it is our duty to all get together for parties and functions. This family has no boundries and after reading your article it sounds like all my siblings are in the 'loser' category. Its hard hard work! i still get pulled back sometimes and cry and weep and fear for my sisters adn thier children. Even though I have created a much healthier family for myself, i find that i still attract freinds who are like my extended family also, but i am working hard to end this cycle of manipulating relationships. I have so much self esteem to rebuild. I decided this year to cut all contact with my father whom was involving my teenage son in drug taking as he did with me when i was 17. I learnt how to spot abusers early and at 21 met and married a lovely, gentle stable man who has supported me through 2 post natal depressions, we have been together for 21 yrs now. My father has a very violent history,at 74 he still uses drugs and laughs & boasts about the man he nearly killed when he was 60. What has sent me to the edge has been the reaction of my 3 siblings who said i was crazy and had lost the plot for making this desicion which i celarly said was about protecting my children. My brother who i thought was sensible has said that he wants no contact with me unless i reconcile with my Father. One of my sisters is an alchoholic and the other takes drugs and sees this as normal. Both have had violent partners and friends. My mother is a nervous wreck still, after many years of abuse by my father and i have been helping her to detach from the constant manipulation and guilt trips my siblings play to ‘rope us back in’ and pretend that we can all get along, that it is our duty to all get together for parties and functions. This family has no boundries and after reading your article it sounds like all my siblings are in the ‘loser’ category. Its hard hard work! i still get pulled back sometimes and cry and weep and fear for my sisters adn thier children. Even though I have created a much healthier family for myself, i find that i still attract freinds who are like my extended family also, but i am working hard to end this cycle of manipulating relationships. I have so much self esteem to rebuild.

]]> By: Joseph M Carver Ph.D. http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21356 Joseph M Carver Ph.D. Tue, 21 Nov 2006 16:01:31 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21356 Dear Michelle & James: The Christian Bible says "Let your light shine before men". When we're in an abusive and controlling relationship - our inner and outer light begins to dim. We don't smile, sing, laugh as much, or make eye contact. Those who love us see our light is going out but it takes a while before we notice it. I once had a patient walk to the office in a snow storm. Asked why, she said "I just noticed I'm walking with my head up. I wanted to enjoy the view." Bad relationships change is in many ways, some very subtle. As Michelle observed, recovery is also a time to redesign or customize your life. Detach from negative friends, repair damage to yourself and others, and build a stronger personality. Consider it an adventure rather than a difficult task. I'd also mention that the appreciation of readers keep me writing. Many thanks. Dr. Carver Dear Michelle & James: The Christian Bible says “Let your light shine before men”. When we’re in an abusive and controlling relationship – our inner and outer light begins to dim. We don’t smile, sing, laugh as much, or make eye contact. Those who love us see our light is going out but it takes a while before we notice it. I once had a patient walk to the office in a snow storm. Asked why, she said “I just noticed I’m walking with my head up. I wanted to enjoy the view.” Bad relationships change is in many ways, some very subtle.
As Michelle observed, recovery is also a time to redesign or customize your life. Detach from negative friends, repair damage to yourself and others, and build a stronger personality. Consider it an adventure rather than a difficult task.
I’d also mention that the appreciation of readers keep me writing. Many thanks. Dr. Carver

]]> By: James http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21303 James Tue, 21 Nov 2006 01:57:33 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21303 Michelle, I too feel better! Dr. Carver, I smile more, feel better about myself. My relationship with my children is improving. The change in me is a miracle. I never knew that life could be so good! Dr Carver, I will tell other people who might be in a relationship like this about your web site. I know it will help them. Michelle, I too feel better! Dr. Carver, I smile more, feel better about myself. My relationship with my children is improving. The change in me is a miracle. I never knew that life could be so good! Dr Carver, I will tell other people who might be in a relationship like this about your web site. I know it will help them.

]]> By: Michelle http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21263 Michelle Mon, 20 Nov 2006 18:42:15 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21263 Thank you so much. I read your article about memory files and it's been helping too. Sometimes, I forget to do some of the techniques, but I'm getting there. Certain older triggers are definitely being reworked. People are starting to get the point that I don't want to talk about my past experiences with the ex. I have a couple that I talk to with my concerns (my SO mainly, my mother second). The people who continually try to talk about things or say things that make me feel uncomfortable repeatedly I have been distancing from my life (by my own choice now and not from someone else telling me I should). Some, I'm dropping most (if not all) contact with for a period of time, as they are not helping my situation... and I've already talked to them about how certain things they said did hurt. If I've learned nothing else from my experience these past years and especially these past months, I have learned what friendship really is. Thank you again. I look forward to reading more of your answers to the people who post here and hope to see more articles by you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. I read your article about memory files and it’s been helping too. Sometimes, I forget to do some of the techniques, but I’m getting there. Certain older triggers are definitely being reworked.

People are starting to get the point that I don’t want to talk about my past experiences with the ex. I have a couple that I talk to with my concerns (my SO mainly, my mother second). The people who continually try to talk about things or say things that make me feel uncomfortable repeatedly I have been distancing from my life (by my own choice now and not from someone else telling me I should). Some, I’m dropping most (if not all) contact with for a period of time, as they are not helping my situation… and I’ve already talked to them about how certain things they said did hurt. If I’ve learned nothing else from my experience these past years and especially these past months, I have learned what friendship really is.

Thank you again. I look forward to reading more of your answers to the people who post here and hope to see more articles by you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

]]> By: Joseph M Carver Ph.D. http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21261 Joseph M Carver Ph.D. Mon, 20 Nov 2006 18:19:42 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21261 Dear Michelle, Welcome back to smiling! As you know, there is life after the end of a relationship with a Loser. You'll find that most of your true friends were keeping their distance, like guardian angels, and waiting for you to return. For your total recovery, however, you want to disconnect yourself from any interest in his life. When people ask about your past relationship with the Loser - create a "press release" - a small paragraph that says the same thing (without personal information) to everyone. It doesn't matter what he does now, only what you are doing with your new life. You may have difficulty with the triggers, called "emotional memory", as that occurs to anyone who has been in an emotionally traumatic experience. I have a handout on my website at www.drjoecarver.com to help manage those events. Keep smiling and looking ahead...don't look back. Congrats on your recovery. Dr. Carver Dear Michelle, Welcome back to smiling! As you know, there is life after the end of a relationship with a Loser. You’ll find that most of your true friends were keeping their distance, like guardian angels, and waiting for you to return. For your total recovery, however, you want to disconnect yourself from any interest in his life. When people ask about your past relationship with the Loser – create a “press release” – a small paragraph that says the same thing (without personal information) to everyone. It doesn’t matter what he does now, only what you are doing with your new life.
You may have difficulty with the triggers, called “emotional memory”, as that occurs to anyone who has been in an emotionally traumatic experience. I have a handout on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com to help manage those events. Keep smiling and looking ahead…don’t look back. Congrats on your recovery. Dr. Carver

]]> By: Michelle http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/02/10/relationship-losers/comment-page-8/#comment-21260 Michelle Mon, 20 Nov 2006 17:55:49 +0000 http://counsellingresource.com/features/archives/2006/applied/relationship-losers/#comment-21260 "My SO thinks he would, as I would." Sorry, that meant to read that "My SO thinks he would, and I believe the same." “My SO thinks he would, as I would.”

Sorry, that meant to read that “My SO thinks he would, and I believe the same.”

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