Comments on “Are You Dating a Loser?”
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82 Responses to “Are You Dating a Loser?”
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nigresh10
I identified with the “loser” in this article and have one question for you. I know that i was not in the abusive mode at all when i started this relationship but off late have been doing that. I have been suffering from Depression for sometime now and would like to know if the abuse is because of the depression? And how can i remedy.
Thanks.
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9
Jody brings up a valuable point. Losers and Abusers have often intimidated their families as well as their partners and children. That same two-hour temper tantrum used to control the spouse is often used or threatened against the Loser’s parents and family. In many situations, it’s not that they support the abuse…it’s that they say and do nothing out of fear for their own safety. They look away and allow it to happen. They are just as controlled and victimized as the Loser’s partner. If they question the Loser’s abusive behavior, they are verbally battered and called disloyal. Some families fearfully support the situation and actually take up a collection ($9,000.00 being the record so far) to give to the abused spouse, trying to get her to stay. In truth, they don’t want take care of the abuser and they know the Loser will focus on his/her family until their next victim is found.
It’s also important to remember that repairing our self-confidence is a major part of the recovery from an abusive relationship. When the relationship ends, it’s time for the recovery and emotional repair to begin. -
Jody8
This was a great article. I was married to “The Loser” for 6 years. Reading this article was like reading my own life than. You go in to this relationship with all that confidence that this wonderful person loves you and than one day you wake up and look in the mirror and before you knew it everyounce of dignity and self worth are gone.
“The Loser” drew me in charmingly, than began publically humilating me, with holding affection. insulting everything i did. I was never good enough. Other women were better than me. I deserved everything I got he said. He ended up physically assaulting me. I left him and now he is remarrying another woman much younger who like me has no relationship with her parents. It is a constant pattern with these people and they never want to admit anything was their doing. One thing that I would like to mention is for all the people out there who support abusive people. My ex-husband’s parents knew of his abuse towards me and they never said a word. The control he had over me, he had over them as well. Working his deceitful web to convince others to feel sory for him. If people condone this kind of behavior they are not helping the situation. I know he did not get help and he will abuse his next wife as he did me and his former girlfriends. My only hope is that when he does it that the people around him begin to realize that is not all these women faults but his own. -
7
Most Losers , Controllers, and Abusers don’t reveal their identity for several months - then slowly begin behaviors to first undermine your self-esteem, then control, isolate, and abuse you.
Over the past years, I’ve received hundreds of email asking your questions - Why me? Why did/do I stay? These questions prompted me to write “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”. The article is available on this website. We know that low self-esteem makes us a target for these individuals and after being their partner, depression and destroyed self-confidence oftens keeps us there.
When considering an exit plan, it’s helpful to seek counseling or professional help. These relationships produce depression which makes any healing process difficult. Treating the depression and esteem issues can make the exit successful and your next relationship healthier. -
6
This article is really powerful. I have known I’ve been dating a looser for over two years of our 3 year relationship but have been making excuses for and ‘understanding’ the causes of his bad behaviour all this time. What i dont understand is my behaviour, why do I attract this type of man into my life? (This is not the first) I havent been abused as a child, I had a loving (if a little emotionaly distant father) a loving mother (if a little conditional!)nothing too messed up or unusual they have been married for 39 years! My siblings all seem to have healthy loving relationships, I dont know where I am going wrong,I have learned from past experiences not to jump in too soon but this guy really had me fooled we were together almost a year and I was in love and totaly invested by the time the “loser” presented himself. My bigest fear is I will leave this relationship go through the pain and difficulties attached to the break up, which I know will be very hard as I have been trying for a year so far with very little success as he always “hooks” me back, then to discover the next man I fall for is another “loser”, is there no end to this cycle???
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5
My “Loser” article can be disturbing. Many read the article and realize they are in an abusive relationship, making it a disturbing “wake-up call”. Others realize they are behaving in ways that are abusive. The key is being able to recognize that these indicators ARE abusive and the more that are present - the more abusive the relationship.
As I mention in the article, people who are abusive always justify their behavior and have a sense of entitlement. It’s the “I’m abusive because of 1) past events, 2) past partners, 3) childhood, 4) etc. They always ask for forgiveness but only after the damage is done. The key is to obtain treatment intervention - not maintain a cycle of abuse-then-forgiveness in the relationship.
I also understand the frustration with the mental health system. PTSD, for example, oftens require more cognitive therapy than medication, making physicians hesitant to offer only meds for a treatment. We must often seek several treatment approaches - especially when our behavior, or that of our partner, threatens our relationships. -
Nicholas4
I was reading this article and found it totally disturbing. I would fit the loser category with my current girlfriend whom I love and adore very much, the only thing is we have educational differences and she is partially deaf. Sometimes I get angry, and so does she, but I take the role of FORGIVING people for their mistakes when they say they are SORRY after all aren’t we all capable of misreading or misjudging perceptions. I give you an example in my life. I three years ago was burgled and broke my hand. After that I became neurotic about losing things generally and as such began to blame my girlfriend for misplacing things in our one bedroom unit. After some venting of my frustration after losing or rather being a victim of an act of theft had probably had PTS. As such the doctors could not prescribe me certain medication to treat anxiety and as such I experience great anger and frustration at the mental health profession, regardless I can see where this article is pointed.
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3
The “Loser” I describe may be a partner, friend, sibling, parent, or neighbor. While I originally wrote the article regarding relationships, it became clear that many folks have this individual as a parent or friend. As a type of personality disorder, the Loser rarely sees a need for treatment as again, it’s never their fault. Those that do recognize their traits and decide to change, can be treated. I’ve often suggested that individuals who read about themselves in the article might print “The Loser” and take it to a qualified psychotherapist with an announcement like “This is Me! Help!” In friendships, we try not to enable (participate in manipulations) or support the Loser and his/her behavior toward others.
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Elizabeth2
Hi!
I was very intrigued in this idea of the relationship “loser”… While reading I found this information was more applicable to someone who is a friend and not my partner. Does the Loser profile only apply to a couple in a romantic relationship, or to overwhelming friendships too? I am in the early stages of becoming a counsellor myself and was wondering how an individual could actually help someone they love who is a “loser” instead of just trying to get away from them? Is there no way of resolving the Losers issues and making them better people and eventually better partners…?
Kind Regards
Elizabeth -
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I wanted to clarify the “Loser” label in my article. I had originally written the article for my patients. They then prompted me to post the article on the internet. After “The Loser” appeared on the internet, it was re-posted on several websites.
The “Loser” is actually a combination of personality disorders - typically narcissistic, antisocial and borderline personality. These characteristics can identify “losers” as well as verbal/physical abusers, controlling personalities, and manipulative individuals. While some have questioned by original label of “Loser” - I’ve received hundreds of email over the past few years from victims of these individuals who tell me the Loser label isn’t nasty enough. I decided to let it stand and let people make their own decision.
Just wanted to provide some clarification about the “Loser” label in the article.
Dr. Carver
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