Love Addiction? Is Depression the Reason My Ex-Boyfriend Won’t Connect With Me?

Reader’s Question

I am a 30-year-old woman who had to break up with my 38-year-old ex because of his depression. I’m almost certain he had almost all the symptoms of depression, but I am not sure if he had a confirmed professional diagnosis.

We began dating after chatting for two weeks on the internet. His depression symptoms began appearing 4 months ago. I was the first to ask for a breakup because I had suffered so much from his distant and chilly behaviors: not calling me, escaping, not introducing me to friends, etc. I regretted my decision 2 hours later, but he firmly refused to take me back. Since then I learned about depression and have been trying several ways to re-connect: asking him to meet me, showing him supportiveness, discussing the possibility of marriage (sincerely) with him, etc. His attitude never changed. he kept saying he just wanted to be friends, and giving no replies to my offers of support. First he said he was too guilty to take advantage of me, then claimed he didn’t really have feelings for me. He finally told me to see a psychologist because I have all the symptoms of a love addiction.

I was hurt and agreed to quit contacting him. But now I want to support him as a friend. He still chats online, but he never replies to my overtures. Occasionally, he will reply but never to speak about himself or about us.

I think he’s also suffering from a highly stressful career (police). He’s had relationship problems for a very long time. He’s nice, good looking, but never married. He rushed in and out of cohabitation with a single mother. He is distant and not warm even when he likes a girlfriend. During the times he was chilly with me, he was flirting with other women online.

I cared about this man but I really don’t know what to do. I sincerely need your help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This man has sent you many messages that he does not want to be involved with you on the level you seek. You attribute this to his having depression and a highly stressful career. He keeps sending you messages to leave his life but you keep wanting back in or at least to “support” him as a friend.

He may or may not be correct in suggesting that you have a “love addiction.” But one thing is clear, you’re far more wrapped up in him than could possibly be healthy for you. Take his advice. Visit with a psychologist or counselor. Rather than look to this man (or anyone else for that matter) for emotional satisfaction, and rather than cast his treatment of you as necessarily the result of depression, thank your lucky stars he’s not willing to take advantage of your apparent neediness and distorted thinking. And get to the bottom of this tendency in counseling. The next man you meet might be much more willing to take advantage. You might then come to know what depression is first hand.

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