PTSD and Domestic Violence: Establishing One’s Own Sense of Safety and Control

Reader’s Question

First of all, let me say thank you. This site has really been helpful to me in the process of healing myself. I’ve found myself in a somewhat tight spot now though, and need some input.

I’m presently jobless, homeless, and pregnant. But before I was any of the above, I went in to an EMDR specialist who told me I had a “big fat case of PTSD.” At the time, I felt the doctor was being a bit cocky, but I’ve recently realized that it wasn’t her that I was skeptical of but rather it was the thought that anything about life, me, the way I am and how I feel, could ever change. I don’t feel like the things that are wrong with me can be “fixed” — and when she implied that they could, I automatically felt resentment towards her and lost any shred of trust.

I’ve been struggling for a year now with my past, addictions, and self-destructive behaviours. I’m not “stupid” but I make really stupid choices. I’m 22 years old and have a BA in a computer related field. I have a lot going for me, but I’ve lost it all over stupid stuff. It seems the more I realize about myself that needs to change, the more screwed up everything becomes.

I was abused by various people from birth until I was 18. The only “constant” in my life was my mom. But her own abuse and her inability to protect herself is what I feel allowed my abuse to occur. I do love her very much. She’s the only one I ever had who remotely cared about me, even if she couldn’t do it “right.” But I am having a lot of resentment toward her because she denies my abuse. She doesn’t do this directly, but she skirts around issues when I try to address them and wants to pretend like nothing ever happened. Everything in my life has been one big secret. And now, even though I know it’s my life and choices that matter, I can’t seem to escape this “secret” life. I have no friends. I have been with one man since I was 15, and he’s been the only “good” and “semi-normal” thing in my life. I really do believe if it hadn’t been for him I would have killed myself a long time ago. On the other hand, I find myself pushing him away, making him into my abuser. I can’t even say what’s real and what’s not anymore as far as people and their intentions. It sometimes seems like everyone is bad or out to get me.

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression. I want to remain drug-free until I have the baby, but I’m really stressed out, and know I need help. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Trauma survivors can suffer a host of psychological problems, including PTSD, various anxiety and mood disturbances, and even personality dysfunction. Given the nature of abuse, difficulty trusting is always a big hurdle to overcome. The important thing to remember is that you always retain the right to act in your own best interest, even if the action you take turns out to be “wrong.” Provided you don’t berate yourself for the error, you can always learn from your mistakes.

EMDR, though controversial, is one of several tools that has been used to treat the symptoms of PTSD. There are several other generally-accepted techniques as well. What seems to be concerning you mostly, however, is the thought that someone else might take control and “fix” you, when all your life you have struggled to have a sense of safety and control of your own. It seems fairly clear that you could benefit from committing yourself to a course of therapy. But don’t be afraid to address your issues of trust, safety, and control right up front. A skilled and accepting therapist should be able not only to respect those issues but also to help you work through them.