Every Single Event in My Childhood is Haunting Me Now

Reader’s Question

I’m 20 years old, and I’ve come to realize that I really need some help. I can’t go to my local psychiatrist because it is very expensive, and I am a student without much money.

I had a very normal life for some time — a very nice family with no fighting, and my parents loved each other and everything was just fine. Then, at the age of 11, we moved to other city. Even then, everything seemed to be just fine, but, apparently, my parents were just good at covering things up. So it came as a surprise when one day they told me that they got divorced. A few days later, my father moved away and I stayed with my mother and grandmother. My parents remained very good friends, so there was no fighting or anything, and he came to visit us a few times every month.

Three years after the divorce, my mother met another man and started dating him. But he lived a few thousand miles away. I supported my mom’s desire to be with him and eventually she left and I moved in with my father.

My father was a very hard working man, so I was often alone. I had some friends at school, but most of my free time was spent in front of the TV and PC, watching movies and playing games. My father had a lot of money, and I had just about everything I could want. Then one day, when I was searching for my keys, I found something strange in my father’s jacket that turned out to be cocaine. That’s when I realized that my father was taking drugs. I’ve never talked with him or anybody else about that.

I was feeling lonely because all of my “friends” had girlfriends, and I was I was a fat little boy who hadn’t found a girlfriend. I went to visit my mother for three months during my summer break. When I returned home, things had changed quite a bit. I wasn’t getting money as before, my father sold the apartment he had gotten, and it became clear he was spending everything on drugs and women. One day we didn’t have money even to buy food, and he had to call my grandmother for a loan so he could buy us something to eat.

My life got even worse when my dad told me “Son, here is a bus ticket, go to your grandmother’s and stay, I am scared for your life”. It turned out later that he owned some big money to some drug dealer. I moved in with my grandmother, lost a year at school, and spent the next half year locked in my room without any friends.

I eventually started going out with friends from school and for the first time of my life, had a girlfriend. Of course, she broke my heart. I fell into a depression, but I managed to get over it and eventually met another girl and have been with her for two years now.

My problem: I am starting to notice that I am not a normal person. I feel that every single event in my childhood is affecting me now, as an adult person. Here are some strange things in my head:

• When I’m walking alone, I get the feeling that everybody is watching me, laughing at me.
• When I look in the mirror, I think I’m a nice looking man but, as soon as I walk out of the house, I start thinking I’m fat, ugly, etc.
• I have some stupid imagination, like, “Imagine if I die, everybody will feel sorry for me”, or “I want to die, I hate my life, want to kill myself”.
• Every night I think how my girlfriend is cheating on me, even though she hasn’t given me any single reason to think that way in two years of our relationship.
• I am really possessive and don’t want my girlfriend with anyone else and think that I must look at every text message she receives, etc.

I know there’s something wrong, but I don’t have money to see someone about it. There are more crazy things I think and do, but it would take a lot time for me to write it all.

I am begging for some help. Tell me what I can do and if there’s a cure.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sure sounds like you’re experiencing some problems with both depression and paranoid ideation. And you have a history in which it appears the rug was suddenly pulled out from under you several times, just when you thought you were safe and secure. So, there seems much for you to “work through” in therapy.

Don’t let your lack of resources stop you. Your school should have a resident counselor who might be able to help. Also, your community is likely to have a mental health center that can provide you necessary therapy and medication if indicated. You have managed to survive and prosper despite a fairly traumatic emotional history. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Help is likely available to you somewhere. Leave no stone unturned until you find it.