Narcissistic or Just a Healthy Self-Image?

Reader’s Question

I have been reading several articles about narcissism and self-esteem, and I am a little bit confused.

I believe that I am an intelligent person. I have a good physical appearance, and I believe that I am capable of succeeding in any area I try. I am aware that there are some flaws in my character, and I’m trying to repair them. I believe in things that are logical, rational and well documented, and I am always critical and realistic about things not supported by logic and rationality. If someone proves me wrong about something, I’ll accept it.

I respect all people, and I believe that everyone has the ability to be successful in his life if he has passion and self-belief and works hard to make the dream come true. I respect everybody, but I don’t necessarily accept everyone’s opinion unless the facts support them. I have my morals, and I believe that my role is to become better in the arts I love and help the world become a better place. I like to be admired and respected, and I admire and respect the people who are good persons (want to help, are fair, respect others). I don’t respect the people who are agressive, selfish, etc. I want to help people who need help, and I don’t hate people who hate me for whatever reasons.

Sometimes, I think people who have low self-esteem say that people who are successful, good-looking, or confident are narcissistic. But I’m not sure this is true. I really believe that every human being that can overcome his limitations. Does that make me narcissistic?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Having a positive sense of self-worth does not necessarily make someone narcissistic, and knowing and being confident in one’s abilities is not the equivalent of being an egomaniac. It’s a question of balance. And even having some narcissistic tendencies does not mean someone has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Disturbances and disorders of personality occur when one’s personality traits are so intense, so pervasive, and so inflexible that they cause problems in interpersonal relations and distress for all those involved. The traits most associated with narcissism include “inflated” self-esteem, inordinate self-centeredness, a sense of entitlement that leads to callous disregard in relationships, and an excessive desire for recognition and adulation.

I have always found it helpful to distinguish between self-esteem and self-respect; I write about the difference in my books In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] and Disturbances of Character (in press), and I have written some articles for the main site blog which bear on this topic. Self-esteem is often enhanced by awareness of one’s natural gifts (e.g., intelligence, physical attractiveness, talent, etc.), whereas self-respect generally derives from how a person has used those gifts for the greater good. One way to judge whether you indeed have some narcissistic tendencies is to honestly evaluate what degree of importance you place on your natural gifts and whether you consider them the defining indicators of your worth. Persons of healthy character recognize and humbly accept their gifts but primarily derive their sense of self-worth from how they use those gifts to enrich the lives of all.