How Do You Convince Someone They Need Help?

Reader’s Question

My spouse seems to react in ways that are not normal. He tends to see enemies in a lot of people (who I can personally vouch mean no harm to him or who even want to help). He can’t take any kind of criticism or get any feedback without taking it as a personal attack.

He lacks warmth or good will, which makes it difficult for us to sustain friendships with other people (or even relationships with other family members), and it is really straining our relationship.

I think that my spouse needs psychological help, but even breaching this subject (by me, or our physician, etc.) provokes a hostile response. So, it’s clear he will not be a willing participant, at least at first.

Is there a way I can get him to at least try counseling?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Psychologists differentiate between two kinds of symptoms of psychological dysfunction. Ego-dystonic symptoms are those that the person finds unacceptable in character, either because they don’t like the symptoms or because the symptoms reflect on their self-image in a manner that’s distasteful to them. In contrast, ego-syntonic symptoms are those that the person is either so comfortable with that they don’t even recognize there’s a problem, or the symptoms reflect an aspect of their character that they find desirable.

Personality traits that are negative but nonetheless ego-syntonic to the person possessing them are often signs of a personality disturbance or personality disorder. And it’s virtually impossible to “convince” a person who doesn’t think they have a problem to seek counseling.

It’s an almost impossible task to convince someone that they have a problem and need to seek help. Rather than attempt to pressure your husband into anything, be open, honest, and direct about the behaviors he exhibits that concern you as well as the consequences those behavior appear to regularly invite into your lives. Be supportive and encouraging, indicating your willingness to be a part of a counseling effort, but be matter-of-fact and unyielding when it comes to the problem behaviors that need confronting. If, after a while of doing so, your husband doesn’t become open to the notion that he has a problem needing attention, you’ll have some choices you’ll need to consider about the future of your relationship.