Between My Girlfriend and My Ex, It’s Too Much Pressure!

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Reader’s Question

I have a problem. I currently live with my ex-girlfriend whom I broke up with about a year ago. We have since moved on to committed relationships, and we remain best friends. However, my current girlfriend seems to resent the fact that we still hang out on occasion, and my ex gets annoyed with me spending almost all my free time with my girlfriend. It’s come to the point where I’m afraid of making any plans with either of them, out of intense fear of having one or the other angry with me. Suffice to say, I’m scared to death of making people mad at me. Until it happens, I get nervous, I start breathing heavily almost to the point of hyperventilation, I feel nauseous, and I can’t think straight or speak without a stutter. All of this happens before I even tell one of them my plans with the other! I need some sort of help!

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you suffer from anxiety, perhaps even from Panic Disorder (without Agoraphobia) more specifically. The stress experienced when you are faced with deciding what you want to do in relation to either your former girlfriend/roommate or your current girlfriend is causing you to feel panic at the mere thought of the decision making process. What may have begun as a mild irritation at being pressured by these two important women in your life has now spiraled to something along the lines of Panic Disorder. If left untreated, this kind of an anxiety disorder/panic disorder can worsen and Agoraphobia can develop. The reason for your feeling like this began subtly, as opposed to there having been a distinct event or trauma that could have resulted in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The development for Panic Disorder is such that it unfolds over a period of time. You state in your question that things are getting to a point where you are “afraid of making any plans with either of them, out of intense fear of having one or the other angry with [you]”. As you can see, there is a progression in your feelings of anxiety and unease around these two people in your life. The physical symptoms are very distinct for Panic Disorder and include shortness of breath, dizziness, racing thoughts, heart palpitations, and blurred vision, some of which you mention experiencing.

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The great news is that Panic Disorder can have a wonderfully positive prognosis. Through the use of the various antianxiety medications, coupled psychotherapy and relaxation techniques, sufferers can enjoy a liberation from this crushing dread! One of the best ways to learn how to deal with this disorder is through learning relaxation techniques. Meditation — guided meditations, to be exact — are great vehicles for delivering a tool to cope with this kind of panic. By learning deep breathing, and visualizations, you can teach yourself how to be able to withstand these kinds of stressors. Ask your medical doctor for a physical examination and an evaluation for possible psychotropic medications. Also, investing in some counseling with a trained psychotherapist is an important adjunct to the healing process of this disorder. Through therapy, you could uncover the reasons behind your anxiety, as well as detect various triggers that may exacerbate your tendency toward panic and anxiety. So, try to get in to see your physician, as well as have a few sessions with a qualified therapist to learn better coping skills and relaxation techniques.

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