Homosexual Fantasy, Sexual Addiction, Or What?

Reader’s Question

I recently discovered that my boyfriend was reading “casual sex” postings on craigslist. These listings were for another male to perform sex acts. There were e-mails that he had sent as well as received, and he had even e-mailed a photo of his genitals.

When I confronted my boyfriend about these things, he claimed he was just entertaining a fantasy and he had not actually done anything and would not have done anything. But I feel sick inside. My feeling is that reading the online posters he was reading would entertain a fantasy, but in replying and actually sending a photo there was intent. Am I right about this or am I worrying too much?

My boyfriend also told me he wouldn’t do such a thing again because he loved me and did not want to lose me. But a week later I saw the history on the computer and realized he’d been looking at similar online posters, again. I confronted him again and have not seen evidence of such activity since my last confrontation.

My boyfriend and I actually have a great sex life. We’ve been together several years and I never would have dreamed he’d do such a thing. Does his behavior necessarily indicate homosexual tendencies? Is this more of a sexual addiction? By the way, he just turned 60, and I don’t know if this is related. I need some insight.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Engaging in homosexual acts and entertaining homosexual fantasies do not necessarily mean that someone has a homosexual “preference” with respect to sexual orientation. Nonetheless, there certainly appears more to your boyfriend’s sexuality than he has been willing to confide to you over the several years you’ve been together. And it is a complete cop-out and manipulation to trivialize things and try to convince you that he “didn’t do anything” when in fact he did “do” some things (even after being confronted once) that were right to elicit your suspicion and concern.

Rather than your taking on the mental and emotional burden of trying to figure out whether there’s even more to the story or a possible “addiction” at work here, put the burden where it belongs: on him. Relationships not founded on trust and genuine intimacy are destined to fail. Both of you are entitled to know just who it is you are involved with. You might even want to solicit the assistance of a counselor, not only to have a professional facilitate the process of mutual discovery, but also to help provide a more objective assessment of the character of your relationship.