Whacky Relationships: Is There Such a Thing as Situational Craziness?

Reader’s Question

Is there such a thing as situational or circumstantial craziness? Let’s say that someone was involved in a difficult relationship characterized by jealousy, lies, detachment, bad communication, and then reacted to this situation in extreme ways (e.g., hacking into e-mails, pouring water on the computer, “investigating” to find the truth). Once out of the relationship and having rebuilt her life, she now shows none of these tendencies toward extreme or erratic behavior. She now realizes that instead of reacting as she did, she would have done better to simply leave her boyfriend as soon as his dishonesty became evident instead of making herself look like an unstable fool.

Of course, I am “the girl” I speak of, and all of the other pronouns I used were to hide my shame and regret for the way I behaved in this dysfunctional relationship. Obviously, I have been called crazy by others who witnessed my behavior during those days, and understandably so considering how out of character I was behaving.

Is it fair to say I am “crazy” overall, or can a case be made that a very unusual situation caused a breakdown of coping mechanisms?

Thank you in advance.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

One of the main reasons I wrote my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], is precisely the phenomenon you describe. Dealing with disturbed characters can make even the best of us feel and act “crazy.” This is because our gut tells us one thing about them, but our head won’t let us believe it. On top of that, for various reasons we become deeply invested in the relationship, making it hard to simply walk away.

Being in such a dysfunctional relationship is a lot like experiencing extreme trauma. And it’s even possible for persons who have been subjected to extreme trauma to actually experience a breakdown in all coping and to exhibit signs of psychosis. Most of the time, however, behavior and emotional regulation simply become erratic and out of character.

In addition to reckoning with the unique dysfunction in your prior relationship that made you feel crazy, you would also do well to examine what factors attracted you to the relationship in the first place and what types of distorted thinking kept you there for awhile when your gut was probably telling you there was trouble afoot. You might particularly want to examine whether you are particularly vulnerable to relationships with individuals who have certain problem personality characteristics. But don’t be too hard on yourself, even as you do this soul-searching. As I emphasize so importantly in my book, even the best and healthiest of us can be taken in by some characters who are very adept at hiding their true nature and manipulating the impressions we form of them. Encountering such people is like getting whiplash. You don’t fully realize what’s happened until the damage is already done. It can make you feel crazy.