After an Affair, Is It Just Me, or Do I Have Grounds for Mistrust?

Reader’s Question

I’ve been with this girl for over 3 years. Two months ago, I proposed marriage to her. A couple of months before I proposed, I picked up on the fact that she always seemed preoccupied about something. She was also not as available to me as usual and was frequently late coming home. She had just bought a new car and was able to get around more than before and suggested to me that I was only struggling to deal with this change.

Three weeks ago, one of my friends approached me and told me that she was having an affair with someone else who lived down the road. It had been going on for awhile, and I was sure to eventually find out. I was shocked by the news, felt betrayed and lost trust. I confronted her about it, and she admitted to it. She said that it was a two-week thing and she stopped it because she didn’t want to hurt me. She also claimed they never had sex.

I’m still battling within myself as to whether or not I can ever trust her. My gut feeling is that she actually did sleep with this guy, and she is not telling me the truth. Last night, she lied about something, and although it was a very small issue, it fanned the fires of my mistrust. I love my fiancée and want to marry her, but I just can’t seem to trust her.

Is there something wrong with me, or do I have good cause to be so mistrusting?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are many forms of dishonesty. Telling half-truths, not telling the whole truth, and minimizing the seriousness of a behavior — for example, admitting engaging in another relationship but minimizing its significance by claiming it didn’t involve sex — are all forms of dishonesty and can be effective manipulation tactics.

When someone is manipulating us, our gut instinctively responds with concern, but because we lack objective evidence, we start mistrusting ourselves. In the end, that’s how we get manipulated. I talk about this at length in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK].

Trust cannot be built on deception and manipulation. Your gut is telling you that. Trust your gut. Your girlfriend (now fiancée), it seems, cannot be trusted.