Necessary Discipline or Traumatic Experience?

Reader’s Question

When I was 6 years old, I threatened my mom with a kitchen knife. I didn’t have any real intentions to use it. I was tired and mad at her for some reason or another, and it just sort of happened. After she took the knife away from me, she told my father. My dad proceeded to throw me into his truck and drive me to some building he said was the “adoption agency.” I was absolutely terrified, especially when he made me get out and start walking toward the building because I “wasn’t his daughter anymore.” Shortly after I began walking toward the “adoption agency,” he told me to “thank my lucky stars” they were closed and to get back in the truck.

I’m 19 now, and I still have nightmares about the encounter. When I told my brother about it, he brushed it off and said I was being too sensitive. Would you consider that a fit punishment? I mean, I understand parents can freak out if their kid is violent because it can be an early sign of psychopathy, but I had never done anything like that before.

Your opinion, please.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Much has changed over the years with respect to parenting and discipline styles. And that’s largely because we know much more than we used to about the elements of good discipline.

Parents used to believe that whenever children did something really bad (e.g., dangerous or potentially life threatening), the only way to ensure that they might never do such a thing again was to “teach them a lesson they’d never forget.” Actually such thinking had a bit of merit in the sense that the more aversive an event is, the deeper an impression it makes. However, we now also know that such discipline methods also have the potential to traumatize a child, and children vary in their ability to “recover” from such trauma.

More than likely, your parents were terrified of the possibilities presented by your behavior and wanted to make a lasting impression on you. Certainly, especially in light of all we know today, the method chosen was not the best. It made an impression on you alright, but not just the impression that was probably desired. Hopefully, your relationship with both of your parents has proven over the years to be one of mutual trust and respect. If it has, perhaps you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive even though you might not forget. If your relationship is impaired in some way, perhaps this is one of the things that needs to be discussed and resolved.

Not only have times changed with respect to what we know about good and effective discipline, but also times have changed with respect to having good techniques available for ridding oneself of the scars of emotional trauma. It might be a good idea to consult with a counselor who specializes in trauma issues. The techniques used are relatively simple, straightforward, and effective, and they can help ameliorate the effects of your painful memories in a relatively short time.