Too Young or Just Too Unsure About Getting Tied Down?

Reader’s Question

I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I love my boyfriend, but I constantly worry that I may not always love him.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. We are young (he is 21 and I am 19). I tend to be a chronic worrier and over-analyzer and doubter in the first place, so it’s hard for me to be objective. But I have been having doubt and worries about how I feel about our relationship and whether it is really the one I want to be in forever. I worry that I will regret being tied down so young and that I will regret not experiencing more in life. I also worry that I will cheat later or be unhappy.

My boyfriend is a great guy who would do anything for me. He has been through so much with me (my father passing, my mother remarrying, my moving out, my not knowing what I want to do for school, an unplanned pregnancy). I have spoken to him about my concerns, and he understands and is willing to work on me with it. He has even said that if I want to, we can take a break from each other so I can be sure this is the relationship I really want. We have discussed this many times, but we have also discussed having a baby, and I am a little scared to do so with my sometimes having these worries.

I know I am young, and I can admit that. I have not been in many relationships, but I still recognize that he is a great guy. I did really love him once, but all these doubts are causing me to wonder if I still do and if I will in the future. I worry if it is normal to love someone yet still worry you may not always love them. I want to be with him forever, and I want to love him forever, but I don’t want to regret anything. I know that when you love someone you make sacrifices, and I’m more then willing to do that, but I’m so confused about my thoughts that it eats me up inside. I don’t know if I’m just scared of being so committed, and the more I think about it the more I think it may be true, and it really kills me because I know that I want to be with him. I just feel bad because I don’t want to have to convince myself that I love him; I just want to feel it.

Thank you so much for your opinion.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The “love” that nurtures a good relationship and keeps it together is not the same as the romantic “feeling” that inevitably wanes with time. But you are not only having doubts about the nature of your feelings, you are also questioning the wisdom of making a commitment so young and the possible ramifications of denying yourself a considerable degree of life experience. That’s another matter entirely. In order to make a genuine and lasting commitment, a person must be truly “free” to do so. Many a relationship has ended in hardship and pain because commitments were not really freely made.

You might want to visit with a counselor about these issues. You might learn that there are even more as yet uncovered reasons for your doubts and ambivalence. You also might want to give the notion of “taking a break” some serious consideration. Making major life-changing decisions such as having a baby and raising a child demand that we have full awareness about what we’re doing and make the decision unreservedly. You are right when you say that you are young. And you might also be correct that you’re a chronic worrier. But making the kind of commitment you’re contemplating requires you to be relatively aware of your feelings, sure of your purpose, and truly and freely willing to sacrifice all the “what ifs” over which you’ve been fretting.