Mother-in-Law Lies and Hurts Others When She Doesn’t Get Her Way

Reader’s Question

I have been with my husband for over 7 years. My mother-in-law has always been extremely controlling and manipulative, and she is only getting worse as time goes on. She tries to control EVERYTHING in everyone’s life. I always knew that she was like that but never realized until recently that when you didn’t do exactly as she tells you to do she can be done with you altogether.

My husband is in the military. He recently received an email stating that he was a disgrace to his family and his country. This is a man who just served a tour in Iraq. The whole thing stemmed from the fact that he wanted to spend a few days with me alone.

My husband’s mother has always told lies, spread rumors, and said many hurtful things about everyone I know, including my family, me, and even my husband. Recently all her lies to other family members have started to add up. But she can still do damage. I would like to have a relationship, but she keeps trying to hurt me and anyone who has any kind of association with me. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When people try to placate a manipulator just to avoid the mischief they can make, they only help perpetuate the pattern. You have to set and enforce limits on the kind of behavior you will tolerate. You cannot control what another person does, but you can set some firm conditions about having a relationship with them.

Aggressive personalities do what they think they need to do to get their way. They only change their behavior when it becomes abundantly clear that their strategies are not working. Think things through carefully, and then make it clear what the “terms of engagement” are for a relationship with you and your husband. The rest is up to her.