Abusive Stepchildren Manipulating Their Father and Damaging Our Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have read your book In Sheep’s Clothing and found it a very valuable guide to understanding and dealing with two of my stepchildren. One of them threatened to kill me four years ago, and he never backed down, apologized for his actions, or sought counseling. As a result, he is not allowed to come to our house.

But now his sister, a young woman in her mid-twenties, has been persecuting me. Last Spring she was verbally abusive to me and manipulated her father (my partner) into doing some really inappropriate things that damaged our relationship. I have been avoiding her since her verbal abuse last Spring, but I just learned that she attacked her brother last weekend and slapped him a few times. I have long thought that this young woman was capable of violence, and now it seems that I have proof. I am afraid of her because I know that she hates me and would like to break up my relationship with her father.

What would be an appropriate way to prevent her from attacking me physically? I would like to ban her from the house also. She has taunted me to do just that but I don’t want to hurt my partner any more than is necessary. He is already very sad that his relationship with his son (the one who threatened to kill me) is so bad. On the other hand, I don’t want her to attack me. After the death threat, I developed PTSD, and I am very sensitive to violence.

I would appreciate any suggestions on how to handle this disturbing situation.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

First of all, I’m glad you found my book to be a valuable guide in dealing with aggressive or covertly-aggressive characters. There are a few principles I outline in the book that bear some repeating. Certainly, you have both the right and responsibility to set a firm limit when it comes to violence or threats of violence. Such behavior simply cannot be tolerated. But it’s also important to hold each person accountable for their own behavior. You state that your daughter-in-law manipulated your husband into doing inappropriate things that damaged your relationship (although you did not mention exactly what those inappropriate behaviors were). The responsibility for any truly “inappropriate” behaviors that your partner engaged in belongs solely to him. And I would hope that you would hold him to the same standard as your stepson when it comes to acknowledging, apologizing for, and correcting inappropriate behavior. That said, it appears odd that you feel a desire to protect him from any hurt he might experience if you set a limit with your stepdaughter.

While it’s impossible to judge your situation accurately, suffice it to say that sometimes it’s less anxiety-evoking to project all our suspicion and animosity on those with whom we already have a substantial bone to pick. But your stepchildren were not raised in a vacuum, and whatever troubling behavior your partner engaged in was not “caused” by them. My suspicion is that there’s probably a lot more to this story. Perhaps it’s time for you to take a fresh and hopefully more objective view of your entire situation. Set your limits, naturally. But strive to be as honest as you can with yourself about the nature of your circumstances and the reasons for them.