Narcissistic Personality Disorder Husband is Using Our Kids

Reader’s Question

My husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I am currently divorcing him after a marriage of over 17 years of torment.

My kids are now teenagers, and my husband has started “using” them to do things that strictly benefit him. He rewards them with a little money for doing these things, effectively manipulating them.

As a divorcing mother, how and what do I do to protect my children from being hurt emotionally and maybe even financially now or in the future by this man? My husband is a superb con artist. On the one hand, kids want to trust him because he is their father, but on the other hand, he is not trustworthy and is manipulative, deceiving, and very unhealthy.

Thank you very much. Your help is highly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There is a lot you can do. You can “model” responsibility, respect, and genuine parental concern. You can demonstrate through your own actions how to conduct a mature and healthy relationship. What you cannot do, is to control your husband’s behavior or to completely insulate your children. And investing any emotional energy, time, or attention in areas over which you have no control will only lead you to feel angry, frustrated and depressed. I have written about this extensively in prior posts and in my book In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. Always invest your time and energy where you have power. Lead by example. Over their lifetimes, your children will be exposed to a wide variety of experiences and different personality styles. They will learn from all of these experiences. They might not fully appreciate the example you set as soon as you want them to, but they will notice and they will eventually learn what kinds of personalities can be trusted and what kinds cannot. Besides, showing them the better way is the only real power you have. So, do what you can and avoid the temptation to go where you have no power. That means focus on your relationship with your children and let their relationship with their father take its own, natural course.