The Slot-Machine Syndrome: Invested 10 Years of My Life and Can’t Walk Away

Reader’s Question

I’m a 37-year-old father of two boys, age 3 and 4, and I am currently separated from my wife. We have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We have had some significant issues since the day we met.

I’m a Christian, she’s not. I am very affectionate, she’s not. She has been diagnosed with depression but is not following up on treatment. I believe she also shows signs of bipolar disorder, but she will not seek treatment for that. She has tried a number of medications, but they did not make her feel better. They did, however, appear to change her personality drastically.

The emotional part of our relationship has never been very fulfilling, and we have had open conversations about his all the way to fights and arguments. She has admitted that the problem is her and has always said that she would work on things, but she hasn’t.

My wife recently got involved in paranormal research. While doing this she apparently met another man and now has left me for him. She lied about the other man. I understand now that the relationship has never been fulfilling for me and that in the long run I’m now free but I can’t seem to get over that fact that I have begged and pleaded for her to open up to me for 10 years and just be my equal partner. She has now decided to give all that to another man. During our past fights I have told her to step up and be my wife or to step out and let me live a happy life. I guess she has done just that. I don’t really want her back. But I can’t seem to get past the fact that the other guy is in her life and around my kids and is apparently reaping the benefits that I have invested the past 10 years of my life for. What do you think I should do? Please don’t say simply let it go.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Okay. I won’t say it. But you still must do it. You are suffering from a syndrome I first introduced in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] that I call “The Slot-Machine Syndrome.” Anyone who has ever encountered one of these “one-armed bandits” knows how hard it can be to walk away from them, despite the fact that their sole purpose is to fleece you. What we really have trouble walking away from is not the “abuse” they give us, but from the “investment” we’ve made. To walk away with nothing to show but wounded pride for the effort is a real ego insult. But it pales in comparison to the damage that can be done if we stay and invest even more.

So be done with your investment of time, energy, and even mental labor. You’ll walk away much “richer” than if you let your wounded pride deplete all your emotional resources.