Abusive Father Wants to Scare Me Out of Marrying

Reader’s Question

I am 28 years old and have an abusive father. He has had anger management issues for as long as I can remember and has been extremely controlling of my mother and me. His outbursts have typically been limited to destruction of physical property, but he has on occasion been physical with my mother and has made threats of extreme physical violence.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, and we are considering marriage, but I just broke the news of our relationship to my parents last month. Because my boyfriend is a divorcee with a young child, both my parents disapprove and refuse to meet him. My father has threatened to do anything in his power to make sure we do not stay together. His threats have included threats of violence, even to the point of naming the weapons he would use. I am used to his behavior. It’s for the purpose of making me fear for my boyfriend’s life, as well as the safety of my mother, though I can never be sure they are empty threats. This is how he has always controlled us.

For the time being and just to appease his anger, I told my father that I’m no longer seeing my boyfriend (which is not true). My father has driven 2 hours to my place of work during the workday to check for himself and has no qualms about showing up unannounced. He also knows where my boyfriend works, and at this rate, both of us are constantly looking over our shoulders. We want to try to ease things in with my mother first, but fear that she will not be able to hide her knowledge about our relationship from my father. Despite the years of abuse from my dad, my mom does not consider divorce from him an option. Also, although my boyfriend and I feel that we can eventually get through to my mother once she sees how happy we are, we know that she would object to our relationship simply because she fears my father’s violent temper and threats.

My father has a pattern of threatening violence to get what he wants, and there is no reasoning with him. I know that as soon as he finds out that we are still seeing each other, he will initiate a physical confrontation, and I am deeply afraid of the outcome. I also fear for my mother’s safety, since she still lives with my father. Breaking up with my boyfriend is not an option I am entertaining. At the same time, I do not want to become estranged from my mother and fear for the lives and safety of everyone involved. I am at a loss as to what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s understandable that you would try to “manipulate” the situation by appeasement and deception, time should have demonstrated to you by now that there is no safe or reliable way to “control” the behavior of someone who doesn’t respect limits or boundaries. You cannot let the irresponsible party set the terms of engagement. You must set all the terms yourself. You cannot control your mother’s life either. She has made her choices. Some of those choices have no doubt been driven by her fear of the possible repercussions of attempting to take control over her own life.

Making verbal threats of serious harm to someone is not only wrong, it’s a crime. You need to form a serious and viable safety and protection plan for yourself (as does your boyfriend and mother) and to lay down strict limits and boundaries for any kind of interaction between you and your father (as well as your mother as long as she is involved with him). You must also put yourself and your welfare above everything, even your desire to maintain a relationship with your mother. And you probably need legal protection also (e.g., restraining order against unannounced and unwanted visitation, etc). It’s always desirable to have as much distance as possible between yourself and someone who has the potential to do great harm.

It’s very common for victims of abuse to experience the illusion of control when they entertain games of appeasement, acquiescence, and information withholding, etc. In the end, however, it’s the victims who end up controlled. Besides, entertaining the notion that playing such games actually makes one safer could end up being a deadly mistake.