Manipulation and Getting Distance from Someone Who Hurt You

Reader’s Question

I have found your website is to be unique source of wisdom on the blight of manipulative people. But there is a potential manipulator’s “defense” that has had me confused for some time.

In any relationship, particularly a partnership, if one party does something the other finds completely unacceptable (overstepping their personal boundaries or violating a core value), the natural and healthy response seems to be for the injured party to distance themselves (a little, or a lot, depending on how serious the behavior was). I have read about and have personally experienced situations in which this distancing takes place and the person who committed the injurious behavior will complain to the distancing partner: “You’re punishing me!” Even some books about manipulative people that I’ve read list the response of “withdrawing” as a manipulative tactic. So I can’t help but wonder: What is the reasonable response to a partner doing something so unacceptable? If one doesn’t distance themselves at all, they leave themselves open for hurt and set a problematic precedent with manipulators. But if they do distance themselves, they can be accused of being manipulative too. If distancing is the appropriate response, how can the offended partner know whether they are doing it for the “right reasons?” And when accused of just being manipulative yourself, how do you know objectively whether it is true? What is the difference between distancing for legitimate self-protection and manipulative withdrawal? I ask this because it is often such doubt which allows manipulative tactics to succeed.

Thank you for reading, and it would be fascinating to read your insights
on this.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Fantastic question — and one which can be answered quite straightforwardly. First, the very fact that you are so deliberative on this matter suggests a level of conscientiousness that disturbed characters don’t have. That is, you wouldn’t be so concerned about getting this “right” if you didn’t have a sound conscience (more than likely, a bit of an over-active one). This is something manipulators count on. They can’t use guilt as a tactic if you don’t have a susceptible conscience. Second, it’s almost impossible from a purely “objective” standpoint to judge whether manipulative intent is present. That’s one of the things that makes manipulation work. Only a person knows in their heart what their intentions are. Manipulators are great at fooling others about their intentions, whereas most of us are capable of fooling ourselves at least to some degree. Lastly, regardless of a person’s response to an injurious behavior, the only one responsible for the injury is the person who inflicts it. ALL BEHAVIOR HAS CONSEQUENCES. When you emotionally burn someone, the natural consequence is that the other person becomes mistrustful and engages in various forms of self-protection. It is a natural and logical consequence and nature’s way of providing “punishment.” The injured party is not to blame. Yet, good “neurotics” (with their over-active consciences) always want to be sure it isn’t to some degree their fault.

In your heart, you know whether your distancing was an act of self-preservation or whether you had an ulterior hope that “inflicting distance” as a “punishment” would successfully manipulate your partner into better behavior (at least for awhile). If it was, you can count on more hardship. That’s because unless the injuring party takes full responsibility for their conduct and makes a commitment to repair the damage and change course, they’ll engage in similar behavior again. Thinking that you’ll teach the other person a lesson is futile. Their actually learning a lesson by paying attention to the natural consequences of their actions is the only hope for the relationship to heal.

By the way, you used the term manipulator’s “defense” when describing their tendency to fault the injured party for “punishing” them. In fact, using guilt as a weapon is an OFFENSIVE power tactic. If you learn to distinguish an offense from a defense, you’ll be less likely to be manipulated again.