Is an Anxiety Disorder Keeping Me a Virgin?

Reader’s Question

I am a 22-year-old heterosexual male. I am also a virgin. I have never kissed, held hands (in a romantic way), or been in a relationship with a woman. This is not by choice. I have gone through all my schooling (high school and university) without coming close to entering a romantic relationship with anyone. I have many friends (almost all male) and an active social life. And I would dearly like to experience the emotions and physicality of sex and/or a relationship but haven’t yet done so.

When I’m out in a club, pub, or bar with friends, I never express my interest in a woman, even if I’m attracted to her. And when a woman signals that she’s attracted to me, I become paralyzed into non-action. When I am introduced to a single woman I do not become a stuttering or stumbling idiot. Rather, I get internally anxious, not to the point of a panic attack, but anxious nonetheless. So, the introductions never lead to anything. I confess I have never asked a woman out on a date, not so much because I fear rejection but rather because I fear success. I feel like I am deliberately yet unintentionally sabotage any chance of future encounters so that I will not have to deal with my anxious feelings. I feel as though I am missing out on a fundamental human experience. Giving and receiving love seems to validate so many people’s existence.

I don’t know how I’ve allowed this to happen. In every other aspect of my life I feel utterly average or “normal”. I’m not a genius, but I’m not a dunce. I’m not rich, but I’m not poor. I’m not a model, but I’m not ugly, either. Nor am I abnormal. I’m just “involuntarily celibate”.

Do I have some kind of social avoidance or anxiety disorder? If so, should I seek help, and from whom? What can I do to resolve this?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A. Anxiety tends to create vicious cycles. Anxiety produces symptoms that are disturbing. A fearful response and desire to avoid the symptoms only intensifies and prolongs anxiety. What people generally want to avoid is not the situations that make them uncomfortable, but the symptoms they don’t want to endure.

Counseling with a mental health practitioner skilled in cognitive-behavioral and other anxiety management techniques would probably be a great idea. One thing you can do even before doing that would be to deliberately and steadily become increasingly comfortable with the idea of enduring your anxiety symptoms and exposing yourself to anxiety-evoking situations systematically and incrementally. For example, you might plan on approaching only one woman at a pub and for no other purpose other than to introduce yourself and then to disengage. You might even prepare yourself for the level of anxiety this might produce (e.g., palms sweating, feelings of tension, etc.). You can then “rehearse” this behavior a few nights until you no longer experience any distress doing it. Then, you might move on to the next step of approaching a woman and engaging in two minutes of conversation before disengaging, and doing this a couple of times until you experience no anxiety doing that, etc.

Because you indicate that you actually do socialize, it does not appear that you would qualify for a social anxiety disorder of any kind. You are probably somewhat correct in your self-assessment that “success” at any advanced stage of securing a relationship might only bring you increased anxiety because of your lack of familiarity with the situations in which you might find yourself. But take heart. With slow, steady “exposure” to the situations you become anxious in now, you’ll not only lose your anxiety but also increase your self-confidence and relationship-building skills.