Is My Girlfriend Bipolar Like Her Mother and Brother?

Reader’s Question

I’m a guy and have a girlfriend who is 20 years old. We met about four months ago and became very close friends. Her mother and brother, who is one year older, are both bipolar. She just had her first child three weeks ago. She has been through a lot in her young life — from abusive relationships to dealing with a mom who doesn’t want anything to do with the family or her new grandchild and who left her dad. I think all this has really messed with her and caused her to be depressed. She isn’t working and can’t support her child. That’s where I come in. For the last three months we have talked daily, and I have actually supported her by paying her bills. Her family is poor and could not provide much help.

The last two times we were together we had a great time and actually made plans to do something together the next day. In both cases it never came about. The first time her mom came home drunk and stayed drunk for two days before leaving again. This depressed her a lot, and I didn’t hear from her for days. We saw each other again last Saturday and had a great time and were supposed to get together the next day, but that didn’t happen either. In fact after an initial text from her Sunday afternoon, I never heard from her again until Tuesday night when she texted me that she was extremely tired and that the baby was keeping her up all night and that she hadn’t talked to anyone but her dad. Since then she hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts and actually hung up on me when I called from a number she probably did’t recognize.

My question is whether extreme fatigue and possible depression could be causing this bipolar-like behavior; should I be worried that she is bipolar like her mother and brother and just doesn’t know it? I also wonder should I just relax and give her time to adjust since she just had the baby 3 weeks ago?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course, it’s not possible to give you accurate advice or counsel based on just the information you provide, but some things seem abundantly clear:

• There is a lot of dysfunction in the family of this girl you’ve met.
• The girl herself has been less than appropriate in her behavior with you.
• You have given financial and emotional support to a family you barely know and to a woman who has made no commitment to you.
• You appear to want to understand the possible emotional or biochemical underpinnings of this woman’s behavior as opposed to judging the behavior itself and whether or not it is wise for you to get more involved than you already are.

My suggestion: search your own heart and examine your motives for your continued involvement in a situation with such a high potential for heartache. There is a high likelihood that your financial and emotional support, as well-intentioned as it might have been, has only “enabled” the dysfunction of this family. I do think you’d do well to take a step back and give things some time, but not just for the purpose of giving your girlfriend time to adjust to her baby. Rather, use the time to carefully consider what is drawing you to the situation in which you find yourself, the kind of relationship you’re looking for, and the kind of extended family of which you’d like to be a part.