Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Make Inclusive Family Gatherings Impossible

Reader’s Question

I am the eldest daughter in a family of four siblings. I have a brother who is 56 and two sisters, one 52 and the other 47. My two sisters have been fighting with each other their entire lives. The youngest claims the older sister was cruel to her when they were growing up and has continually attacked her for a lack of thoughtfulness and kindness to our parents over the years. The youngest has had a co-dependent relationship with my parents since she was a teen, and my parents have taken advantage of her, expecting her to be their personal concierge and moderator in family matters. She has played that role over the years to the extreme. Two years ago, my middle sister, who is now a ten-year recovering alcoholic, decided to shut out the youngest — declaring that she never wanted to speak to her or see her ever again. Now it is impossible to have family gatherings with every sibling’s family under one roof. If the middle sister is in town, the younger sister is not welcome. I live 3,000 miles away and have tried to stay out of this conflict. But I have finally gotten to a point where I find this situation toxic and unbearable. I welcome your advice, comments and thoughts.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When a family dysfunctions, there will always be “temptations” to become entangled in various conflicts. You don’t have the power to heal your entire family, and nor should you sacrifice your own mental and emotional health in an attempt to do so. You indicate that the battle between your sisters has been raging for years. It is theirs to resolve. It is not your fault that you can’t experience the “ideal” family reunion, nor is it within your power to make such an event occur. To the best of your ability, maintain good and civil relations with all your family members, and don’t succumb to the temptation to cross boundaries or allow others to violate limits. Extend an open invitation to all those who want to maintain good relations with you.

It’s understandable that you find the situation in your family toxic. But only when your sisters find the situation they’ve created “unbearable” will thy have any motivation to change it.