What Makes Some People More Sociable? Is There a “Sociability Gene”?

Reader’s Question

After searching the web for hours and finding only one blog on the topic, I am writing for help about an issue that obviously has been understudied.

My husband and I are very social. He is somewhat more reserved, whereas I am very outgoing. We have been involved in many volunteer organizations, belong to a great church, have two teenage children who are very independent, and have many friends.

The problem is that although we have an active social life, I find that I do “most” of the inviting and organizing for events with our friends. I am not saying that we are never invited anywhere by anyone else, but most of the time I’m the one who takes the initiative.

I have had an internal struggle about this for years. I find myself asking if it is just the way of the world or if society has simply lost the art of hospitality. Then again I wonder if there isn’t something different about me. I wonder if my husband and I haven’t done something to turn people off. I don’t think there is anything out of the ordinary about us. We act the same way at other peoples’ homes as they act at ours. We aren’t big drinkers, and we prefer to have gatherings like BBQs. Our friends aren’t big drinkers either. My husband can be a little quiet at first, but he freely goes along with my suggestions of plans.

How can we become more “invitable?” How can we balance the scales a little? We are getting close to the “empty nest,” and I usually find myself on a Friday night wondering what we are going to do this weekend. No one has called — so who am I going to call?

Part of me says that most other people are sitting at home with nothing to do as well. And if we all did that and no one called, we’d be a pretty lonely society. I work out of my home, but I do have contact with people regularly. This week I had 3 nights of different volunteer activities. But here I am again on a Friday and a blank slate for this weekend.

I’d really appreciate your feedback.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re right about the lack of information about sociability. But there is some interesting research out there not only on sociability but also on the stresses and demands on people that impact their social life. So, hopefully my research into the subject can be of some use to you.

There is growing evidence that some people are naturally more outgoing and sociable than others. In fact, there may even be a “sociability gene.” One particular gene has been implicated in a rare syndrome that makes people unusually friendly and responsive, even to strangers. So, even though we largely learn the art of social grace, some of us might be naturally predisposed to need more interpersonal engagement.

There is also growing evidence that modern lifestyles are so energy-depleting that they negatively impact both the urge for and the ability to conduct meaningful interpersonal activities. This might explain why at the end of the day or week some people are content to be a “couch potato” as opposed to calling someone on the phone and arranging a get-together.

The thing that appears to be bothering you the most is the notion that there must be some negative aspects about you or your husband that prompt others not to initiate as much activity with you as you would like. It’s much more likely, however, that this notion is incorrect and that other reasons such as stress, biological differences with regard to the need for and urge for social involvement, etc. are more responsible for the fact that you take the lead in arranging gatherings. So, celebrate your unique place among your friends, enjoy your relationships, and don’t cast negative aspersions on yourself when others don’t display the same enthusiasm for socialization as you have.