Choosing Between Boyfriend and Ex-Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

I really need some advice before I end up making the wrong choice, so please help!

I think that I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend. We had some issues but nothing that big. Still, I met someone else while I was with my old boyfriend and after a while I moved in with him. Now, I’m very confused. My new man treats me very well, but something in me says it’s not right with him. There’s really nothing about him to complain about except that there is not much intimacy between us, and I don’t know what to do about that. We are both in our twenties and he should be a lot more active than he is with me.

I still have LOADS of feelings for my ex-boyfriend and I keep thinking of him. He was on his way to asking me to marry him when I got with my new man. Now, my old boyfriend wants me back, and I do not know what to do. I think about it night and day and just don’t want to make the wrong decision. If I go back with my old boyfriend, I worry that I’ll miss out on what my current boyfriend has to offer in the long run. Then again, I wonder if I wouldn’t be better off with the old boyfriend.

My current boyfriend is 2 years younger than I am, and my ex-boyfriend is 2 years older than I am.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You do not seem ready for a stable relationship, let alone marriage. And you do not seem to realize that your impulsive behavior is a significant factor in why you are so confused at this point. You ditched one boyfriend for another over what you acknowledge were minor matters. And you’ve shared intimacies with both without much forethought about the relationships you were in or the character of either boyfriend.

You said that any advice would be appreciated, so here goes. Slow down, and take the time to “think” about your life, your wants, your needs, and your hopes for a relationship. Take some additional time to reflect on your own character as well as the kind of character you want to have in a close companion. A life governed by the emotions and impulses of the moment is a life not managed at all. Your confusion is perfectly understandable, under the circumstances. It’s nature’s way of telling you that you’re not really sure where you’re going or what you’re doing in life. You need to think a lot more before you act. Once you stop barreling down a myriad of unmarked highways at 200 miles an hour, you won’t need anyone to tell you why you’re so lost and confused.