Miserable Attending A College I Didn’t Want

Reader’s Question

I’m a student in graduate school. Because I had limited choices about where I could attend, I had to choose a college that I did not really want. I’m really unhappy in my present circumstances. Every day, I say to myself, “Do I have to go this pathetic excuse for a college?” I would have to wait until next June to possibly change the college I go to, but I don’t think I can survive that long. I’ve made friends, but something does not seem right here. I’m miserable, and I don’t know why. I’d appreciate any advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You mentioned that your choices are very limited until next June. So, from a more objective vantage point, it would seem that your only rational course is to make the best of things for now. That might not be so easy, however. Some people tend to make more external “attributions” (about the causes of circumstances). That is, they focus on their environments as either the source of their discomfort or the reason for their happiness. Folks who make external attributions are much more vulnerable to feelings of despondency and depression when their environments don’t meet their expectations. The way to stay as happy as possible until you can make a change is to focus more internally. Even in your present situation, you can make decisions every day (e.g., what to do, where to go, who to be with, what kinds of thoughts and plans to entertain, etc.) that can improve the quality of your life. Besides, if you commit yourself to doing the very best you can where you are, you’re likely to earn the kinds of grades that will help you increase your options about what schools you might attend next June. You can even recognize the value of your effort and commend yourself for it, which is very important, although you might have some difficulty doing this at first, especially if you’re a person who tends to focus externally. But you can turn that around, even if it doesn’t come naturally for you.

Undoubtedly, you’ve heard the old saying: “It’s not your situation that matters but what you make of it.” There’s wisdom and truth in this adage. More importantly, however, there’s a lot of benefit to be derived in the long term from re-directing your attention from the external circumstances you find yourself in to the kinds of decisions you make, thus paving the way for finding greater contentment no matter what your situation might be at any given time.