My Parents Really Helped When I Needed Them, But Now I Need to Live My Life

Reader’s Question

I am 32 years old and a single mother. I am from a very strict southern religious family. I’m from New Orleans, LA, and after Hurricane Katrina I took the opportunity to move to Philadelphia to attend graduate school. In Philadelphia, I lived without my daughter (who is now age 9) because my parents thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to move her in the middle of the school year and also because there would be no family support. After graduate school, my parents told me it wouldn’t be a good idea to live in Philadelphia because my daughter would be depressed living in a strange city, so I moved back to New Orleans. Three years later, due to being “overqualified” for most of the jobs available in New Orleans, I found myself living at home and unemployed. I was finally offered a lucrative position in my field of interest out of state. My parents question my ability to retain employment and take care of my child out of state. I have always done what they wanted, and I am always depressed because I am not living the life I’ve done my best to make for myself. How do I respect my parents and their good intentions, but live for myself and trust myself to make the best decisions for me and for my child?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Actions speak much louder than words. And you already have a track record of personal accomplishment that speaks for itself. The only thing you haven’t yet done is to demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of taking on the additional responsibility of parenting your daughter and caring for her on your own. Despite the fact that your parents gave you several reasons not to take your daughter with you to school, it’s more likely that you also realized how difficult it would be to complete graduate training as a single mother. But now you have your advanced degree and a promising career. Life comes with no guarantees regarding job security or even family support. You have only to prove to yourself that you have the strength, commitment, talents, and resources to care for yourself and your child. And, in so doing, you will honor your parents and their support of you during times of need in ways far more powerful than mere words or intentions.

Your parents have likely bonded to your daughter much as they would another daughter of their own. So, it’s highly likely that they are finding it very hard to accept the notion that they might be separated from her. Try reassuring them that they will have regular and frequent contact and that you will not let the physical distance between you impair the relationship.