Marriage Haunted by Spectre of Unhealthy Past Relationship

Reader’s Question

The relationship I was in before my marriage was a very unhealthy one. There were uncountable cheating episodes (on both sides), and there was constant heartache.

I am now in a healthy relationship with my husband, but I can’t help not constantly worrying that he is either cheating on me or thinking about cheating on me. He works late every night, so I constantly get thoughts in my head that he is running around behind my back while I’m at home with our son. I know the likelihood of my husband cheating on me is slim to none, but I still can’t stop thinking he might do it. This is ruining me and my marriage. He doesn’t understand why I always think these things, and I don’t know how to stop having all these horrible thoughts.

Please help me! I need to know how I can stop thinking this way before it breaks up my marriage.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are many reasons people struggle with obsessive thoughts. In your case, there are likely to be many factors contributing to your difficulties. First, you have prior experience being cheated on by your partner, which likely has helped engender a lack of trust in others. Second, you yourself have cheated within a relationship, possibly leading you to have a lack of trust in people generally and also possibly to “project” your own urges and impulses (even though you may not have acted on them) onto others. Third, your obsessiveness might be either a sign of some aspects of your personality needing some attention or a sign that you are experiencing some level of depression.

There are many effective therapies to help folks rid themselves of disturbing obsessive thoughts. Sometimes cognitive-behavioral therapy alone is sufficient, while at other times the use of medication might also be indicated. You can put the basic principles of treatment into play even without seeking formal help. You can do this by “rehearsing” the re-direction of your negative thoughts to more positive ones and reinforcing yourself for changing your obsessive thoughts and behaviors. You can also learn how to interrupt the vicious “cycle” of obsessions at its earliest stages, before you get yourself “worked up” into a frenzy.

Although you can use these strategies even without seeing a counselor, it would most likely be in your best interest to visit with a mental health professional who specializes not only in treating obsessions but also in helping people address relationship issues. When people enter and stay in destructive relationships, as you indicated you did before you married, there are generally psychological “issues” that need to be addressed. And even though you say you are now in a good marriage, you indicate that your symptoms threaten to “ruin” both you and the marriage. This suggests that there are still significant “issues” for you to work through in order to increase the likelihood that you have the resources to maintain a relationship that will be lasting and fulfilling. You did not mention whether you sought some counseling between the time you left your “very unhealthy” former relationship and when you got married. The factors that contribute to unhealthy relationships don’t usually disappear on their own. So, seek some help and don’t limit yourself to merely learning to rid your mind of the disturbing obsessions you’re having.