I Feel Guilty About Finally Standing Up to My Abusive Dad

Reader’s Question

I am desperate and in need of guidance. I’m 20 years old and come from a broken home. My father is an abusive narcissist and has caused much pain and suffering to my family. Since problems in his business increased (the bank freezing his account) he has become more abusive. He treats my mother like crap. They have no real marriage and fight all the time, all because he always wants more money from her to prop up his dying business.

My mum has always stood up for us and has refused to sell the assets we still have (gotten through inheritance) in order to protect my sister and myself and preserve our financial future. On many occasions she has asked us whether we would consider selling our belongings and give the money to him for the sake of peace, but I have always refused — not because of the money but because I know it would not really change anything.

Even though we live under the same roof, I have not communicated with my father normally in two years. At most I will greet him when he enters the house, but that’s about it. I simply can’t stand him because of the pain he has caused my mother and me.

Since my earliest memories, my parents have fought. There were many times my dad tried to hit mum, and I stepped in front of her to protect her. My sister doesn’t cope, so she pretends like it’s not real. She speaks to him like he hasn’t done anything wrong even though she sees him for what he is. Tonight they fought again, and when he went to strike at my mother I again jumped in front to protect her. When I tried to restrain him, he hit me in the face and made numerous attempts to strike at her and threaten her. I finally told him that I hated him, that he’s dead to me, and ordered him to leave the house for good.

I really need help. We just don’t know what to do. Mum has always supported us, but I know she doesn’t cope very well and is being eaten away inside over all that’s happened. My sister isn’t coping well either. I am so frustrated and confused. I don’t regret standing in front of mum in the slightest and would do it 100 times over to protect her. But it seems like I have to have the emotional strength for the whole family because despite his cruelty, my mother and sister are not handling things well with him gone.

I’d like to know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. I don’t ever want to see my dad again. How do I deal with all this emotional pain?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Abuse affects the entire family. One of the most devastating effects is that family members subjected to it experience a phenomenon called “learned helplessness” as a result of doing everything they can only to realize that nothing seems to change the abuser’s behavior. Appeasement and keeping secrets are common, but as you seem to know well they are not the solutions.

Your deep emotional ambivalence most likely stems from the fact that you don’t truly hate your father so much as you lament his behavior. You also want your mom and sister to be happy, but you’re probably feeling some unwarranted guilt right now for setting a limit with your dad.

The entire family needs to heal. There are counselors who specialize in supporting and helping to empower abuse victims. It’s absolutely imperative that the limit be enforced with your dad that no abusive conduct can be tolerated. Treatment is available to your father as well, and it is absolutely essential that he demonstrate not only a willingness to seek it but also a firm commitment to a violence-free lifestyle before regaining physical access to his family. As far as a “light at the end of the tunnel” is concerned, there is cause for hope. But there can be no possible change if the cycle of abuse is perpetuated by the “enabling” behaviors of the victims.

Remember, you’re not the reason your dad can’t be trusted in the house. His abusive behavior is the reason. And you’re not the reason for the ambivalent feelings your mother and sister are experiencing. Their years of being subjected to the cycle of abuse perpetrated by your father created a psychological syndrome and made them feel helpless. Now that they have to stand on their own, they’re understandably anxious. In time and with proper intervention, they will heal. The ultimate sabotage would be to let unwarranted guilt and insecurity get the better of you all and to re-invite the cycle of abuse into your lives.