My Husband Says He Left Me For Someone Who Won’t Judge Him

Reader’s Question

My husband of 18 years has left me and our four children for another woman who is married and has children. I believe this is all due to mid-life crisis, although he disagrees. According to him, he left me because I did not make him happy, he never loved me, and I was keeping him from his greatness. He says he never felt safe with me, that I always judged him, and that it was always a fight with me about who was right and who was wrong.

Actually, I think I supported my husband the best I could. I stayed at home for 11 years to raise our kids, and I think he simply got tired of meeting his responsibilities to care for us financially. He says that I have been more like a fifth child. I also think my husband’s battle about what’s right and wrong is strictly internal, and he is blaming me because of the values I hold and the rightful expectations I have of him as a father and husband. His married girlfriend can have no expectations of him and because of this no internal battle is present and he feels “safe.” Besides, she is a woman who didn’t stay home with her children and has a career and is financially independent.

My question is really about our family and friends. Our main group of friends has taken my husband’s side in this whole thing, and my in-laws (mother, sister, brother) have also sided with him. They have actually made me out to be the bad guy because I won’t just go along and accept this new relationship. My husband has power and influence in the community, but I have to wonder where everyone’s ethics have gone. How can these people endorse an adulterous relationship (and even encourage it) over the family that my husband has abandoned? My brain cannot comprehend this, and it is a major hump that I am having difficulty getting over. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It is unclear to me what your question is. Is the question whether your friends and in-laws are “right” to take your husband’s side? Is your question whether you are “right” to see him as a person in mid-life crisis who just wants to shirk his responsibility instead of “accepting” that for various reasons, he doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Or is your question whether it’s “right” for people in your community to abandon what you believe to be all sense of decency and ethics by not being outraged over your husband’s abandonment of his family?

In any case, it would appear that whether you are in the right or wrong is a completely moot point. Your husband has left. If you’re distressed because the love of your life is gone and you want him back, that’s one thing. But if you’re distressed because your “brain” simply can’t comprehend how some people (e.g., your husband, his family, your friends) can behave so “wrongly,” that’s something else entirely.

My best advice to you would be to do as much honest soul-searching as possible about what has you concerned the most and to visit with a counselor to help flush out issues. Sometimes a lot of good and growth can come from the trials and ordeals of life, even if they seem so “wrong” at the time.