I Hide in the Background, But I Do Want Someone to Notice Me

Reader’s Question

I’m a 21-year-old girl who can’t seem to have a relationship with any guy. Guys all seem to see me as a friend and nothing more. I’m not ugly or overweight. I don’t have any obvious deficiencies. I go to med school and have a normal social life, yet I’m the only one of my friends still unattached.

It sounds really lame, but I think the main reason is that flirting and small talk don’t come easily to me. When I meet someone for the first time, I don’t talk a lot, and I stay silent for fear I might say something stupid. I befriend girls easily, but guys just don’t seem attracted to me. Most of the time when I’m with my friends, I prefer to let them stand out while I blend with the background. If I do find a guy, I usually screw things up. I never fall in love. It’s rather depressing to watch all of your friends have normal relationships while you can’t.

Do you think you can help me figure out what is wrong with me? I’m a type C personality, so maybe that’s it.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s considerable debate about the validity and value of classifying people as Type A, B, C, or D personalities. Supposedly, the chief trait of the “Type C” personality is an orientation toward organization and details. “C” personalities are thought to be conscientious and perfectionistic, neat, and orderly. Although they don’t go for “hype” or flashinesss, they tend to be rather deep and sincere characters who want meaning in their relationships.

Whether or not you’re a Type C personality, you report some things that prompt a bigger question. You say you “never” fall in love, that “all” your friends but you are in successful relationships, and that there must be something “wrong” with you because unlike others, you “can’t” have the kind of relationship you want. Thinking and talking about yourself in such negative and self-condemnatory terms is certain to impact your actual self-esteem and is likely to send an implicit, subtle message to potential partners that you aren’t desirable. Thus, it might become a self-fulfilling prophesy that you won’t find the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, try focusing more on what you do have. Be kinder and more realistic in your self-appraisal. Relax a bit, not only in your judgments toward yourself but also toward others. Just because you want substance in your relationships doesn’t mean you can’t entertain some “small talk” as well. And you don’t have to do it “perfectly” in order to be “attractive.” If you relegate yourself to the background, you send the message you don’t want to be noticed, let alone appreciated. Be at ease with your personality, whatever it might be. And send the message that you’re a desirable person who wants to connect. You’re likely to get some very different results.