My Boyfriend Ditches Me for Buddies and Pot

Reader’s Question

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, but I’m starting to wonder if I still should be. After I went away to college, the relationship became strained because we were apart. But he eventually moved to my new town and got a job there. Even though we’re living near each other again, it seems like he ignores me, especially when he’s with friends. He’s cancelled plans we made together just to hang out with them and even left me on my birthday to go play poker with some work buddies. I’ve also learned that whenever he was supposedly spending time with “family”, he was really hanging out and smoking pot with a mutual friend that I’ve always felt is a bad influence. Smoking is something he’s promised he would stop doing, but I found out he does it at least once or twice a month. I broke up with him about a month ago, keeping a platonic relationship with him, but now he says he wants me back. He keeps telling me he will be better and change and that I’m what really makes him happy.

I’m not sure I can really ever trust him again. Should I give him yet another chance?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have discovered that actions most often speak more loudly than words. You have also learned that bad habits don’t break easily. While no one can assess your situation for you or advise you whether you should maintain this relationship, there are some questions you might ask yourself to help make a decision:

What exactly are you looking for in this relationship? Are you looking for a long-term committed relationship that will eventually lead to marriage? If so, is this young man showing you the aspects of character that you want in a life partner? Do you have the sense that there’s a solid enough foundation of trust and mutual regard in this relationship to make it last?

People can and do change. But real change is never easy. And the mistake people often make is setting expectations too low when it comes to demonstrating sincerity and commitment. It’s easy for a person to find temporary “motivation” when their partner has had enough of their behavior and called things off. It’s another thing entirely when they’re willing to establish a track record of behavior that demonstrates the firmness of their commitment to change. Giving someone “another chance” is the easy part. Insisting that they uphold their end of things over sufficient time and with sufficient effort is the hard part. Even if your boyfriend fails to turn his behavior around, it’s sometimes hard to walk away because of all the time and energy you’ve put into the relationship to try and make it work.

So, you have some decisions to make. Hopefully, by answering some of the questions you need to ask yourself, you’ll determine the best course to take.