Since My Father Left, My Brother’s Become a Terror

Reader’s Question

I am a 16-year-old girl and I have a brother who is 13. He’s becoming really aggressive these days. He’s always shouting at me and my mother and shows a lot of anger and beats on me. He also does whatever he wants and hangs out with older boys. My father left the house six months ago, and we think that’s the main reason he’s been turning into a very different and mean person of late. I’m worried, because it’s beginning to get dangerous now with all of his anger and aggression. I hope you’ll be able to give some suggestions very soon because my family really needs help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When a parent leaves the family, it can be very upsetting to children. Every child has their own way of dealing with the stress. From what you say, your brother has developed much anger and aggressiveness. Sometimes, such anger is an indicator of a developing depression, and many times that anger is “displaced” toward others who appear to be relatively safe targets.

It’s very important that two things happen. First, it’s important for your brother and the rest of the family to get the professional help necessary to deal more effectively with the stress of your situation. Second, it’s of utmost importance that parental authority be re-established in your home. This will not be easy because when young people experience a breach of trust with their parents, they become much less inclined to submit themselves to parental authority and guidance. But re-establishing such authority and control is essential. One very firm limit that must be established would necessarily involve no tolerance on the issue of physical violence and other forms of abuse (e.g., verbal or emotional abuse). Beating on you and going on verbal tirades are simply unacceptable behaviors, no matter what emotional distress might be prompting them.

You haven’t given any information about the circumstances that existed in your home prior to your dad’s departure. So, there’s no way to tell what kind of problems were brewing before he left. And the degree to which your brother’s behavior can be solely attributed to your father leaving can’t be easily determined either. That’s why it’s so important for your mother to do her best to set and enforce limits and to demonstrate her commitment and trustworthiness. And in order to accurately assess your family’s situation and your brother’s behavior, it’s also important that your mother seek out and secure the professional help the family might need.