Suspicions Confirmed: Now My Husband Says He Can’t Leave His Girlfriend Just Yet

Reader’s Question

I am from India and have been married for 8 years. My husband and I had a marriage based on love as opposed to an arranged marriage. I have to work some distance away but I make sure to travel to be with him very frequently.

My problem is that for the last 5 years my husband has been cheating on me with other girls. I had always suspected this because he hid things from me many times. But I always had my doubts because I never had clear evidence. Whenever I would share my concerns, he would say that he’d never do it again and then complain that it bothered him that I didn’t trust him. Yet, I know he must have cheated again because I found out about it from several sources.

I have slowly been showing my apprehension about ever living with this man. Nonetheless, I have been giving him chances to prove himself. After several weeks of trying to work things out, he finally told me that he’s not comfortable with me anymore and is considering leaving me forever. When I tried to discuss matters with him he told me something I had always suspected. He said he had an affair with someone who got pregnant but had an abortion because of some infection. Then he said he had always come back to me because he really needed my help. He said that he’d really like to work things out between us, but he can’t simply leave this other girl because she is too emotionally attached to him just now.

I don’t know what to do, and I would appreciate any suggestions.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Not only does this man not appear ready to keep a commitment to you, but he also seems to be willing to play on your sympathies. You have confirmation of what you have always suspected, and you have had ample time to learn what kind of person he is. You probably need to do some sincere soul-searching not only about your own attitudes toward marriage and a committed life together but also about what kinds of limits and boundaries you want to establish for an intimate relationship with someone else. If you don’t think you’re capable of doing this soul-searching honestly or on your own, perhaps it would be wise to seek out a counselor.

Marriage has always had the potential to produce great fruits in the lives of those who understand the meaning and power of commitment, trust, fidelity, and mutual respect. But it’s not an enterprise to be entertained or entered into lightly. Although certain customs vary from culture to culture (e.g., “arranged” vs. “love” marriage, the acceptability of sexual relations outside marriage, etc.), no marriage can sustain itself without the partners sharing core values and trusting one another.