Pregnant at 16, Now 31 and Grieving My Lost Youth

Reader’s Question

Should we hang on? We met as friends when I was 12 and he was 14. I had no feelings about him when I met him, but he knew at that moment I was the one for him. He was pretty persistent, and I started to like him. By 13 I was totally in love and we were boyfriend and girlfriend. At the age of 16 I got pregnant by him and by the time I was 17 we had a baby girl; he was 19. At 20 I got married to him. I really wanted to get married so we could be a family on our own. I loved him but most of the early magic that happens in relationships was over by this time. I kind of felt as if I was getting married because it was the next step and because I thought he was such a committed father and would take care of us. I moved from my parents’ home where I was totally dependent to a new home with my husband upon whom I was also dependent. We then had another girl when I was 21 and moved into a great house and made it our place. We were happy as a family.

After our second daughter I started a battle with depression that has never really gone away. I am now 31, and although I love my husband, l have this big feeling like I missed out on much of life like dating, enjoying college, living a single life, learning to be independent and make my own decisions, etc., and it’s left a hole in my heart. I didn’t get to do any of that stuff, and now that I’m married I’m not supposed to do any of it. I am not happy, and I stay in my room and watch TV or sleep. I am unresponsive to him and disrespectful at times. I’m a horrible wife to him, and I think he is almost at the end of how much crap he can take from me. I want all the excitement, passion, and romance I never had. I have pushed so far away from my husband emotionally that the last thing he wants to do is be romantic with me. We very rarely have sex. I want to be needed and desired by him, but I don’t feel like I am. I dream of other men just to feel all those feelings I want to feel. I’ve acted on them on a few occasions, although I haven’t gone so far as to have sexual intercourse with another man. My husband is totally committed to me and our family and he is not getting the same level of commitment from me. He is the man I want to be old with, but right now I feel like I need space to grow on my own and fill some of that hole. What can I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The issues you talk about are not at all uncommon for people who married and started a family long before they were really ready to do so. And it would seem that you are both excellent candidates for couples counseling. Your insight into matters already seems quite good. What you seem to lack is some direction about how to get some of your legitimate needs met, to take action to procure the opportunities you ought still to be able to have, and to make peace with and grieve the things that are probably lost. If you both love each other, you’ll both need to be part of the sorting out process. People who love each other strive to understand rather than condemn. With the right guidance, you might even find your relationship becoming stronger than ever. Each of you might do well to secure individual counseling in addition to participating in couples counseling. That way you can bring increased awareness and emotional preparedness into your joint efforts to keep your relationship from falling apart.