Boyfriend Lonely Despite Having a Ton of Friends: What’s Wrong With Him?

Reader’s Question

I came across your website quite by accident but decided to give this forum a try because I really need the help.

I have a boyfriend that I’ve been with for 2 years, which is a long time considering that I am only 16. Over the past 4 months he has become extremely depressed. He has began to cut himself and occasionally talks to me about suicide. I don’t know what is wrong with him. I’ve tried reasoning with him and tried to get him to tell me what’s making him so depressed, but honestly it seems like he doesn’t even know for sure. He almost makes it sound like he’s lonely even though he has me. He has a great family and gets good grades. He has tons of friends, has me for a girlfriend, has his own band, and is sponsored in snowboarding, so he has every reason to be happy.

What’s wrong with him? I don’t understand how he can be so unhappy or feel so lonely. He has also reverted to doing some drugs. He doesn’t think I know but I do. He’s using marijuana and alcohol at least once a week now. Can you give me an opinion about what might be wrong so I’ll know where to begin helping him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Thoughts and talk of suicide and feelings of “emptiness” that resemble “loneliness” are some of the manifestations of a clinical depression. Some depression sufferers attempt to self-regulate or “self-medicate” their mood through the use of alcohol or other drugs. But such drug use also has the power to worsen depression.

There is often no rhyme or reason to depression. It is not simply “caused” by one’s circumstances but rather by an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. Fortunately, there are effective treatments available for it.

The best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to encourage him to seek professional help. If he is a minor and his parents or guardians are not fully aware of the seriousness of his problems (e.g., his talk of self-harm), they should be informed.

Sometimes chronic feelings of loneliness that persist despite every reason to feel loved by and connected to others is a sign of other psychological problems that can occur either with or separate from bouts of depression. Some individuals carry with them “secrets” about deep wounds or emotional trauma that cause them to feel alone in the world despite having friends and family ready to reach out to them. Still others struggle with personality traits that predispose them to such chronic feelings as well as depressive episodes. Only a comprehensive assessment by a mental health professional can help determine the true nature of the problems your friend is experiencing. Show him how much you care by encouraging him to seek help.